my relationship is crap and i'm all confused and don't know what to do, is anyone willing to try and advise me???

[cheeryface]

i have been with my partner for 13 years. i was 17 when we got together and had my boys shortly after.

it's always been up and down. we don't see eye to eye on lots of things. i try to push aside the things about him i don't like because sometimes they are trivial things and things that really irritate me and i would really like to be be happy with him, but soemtimes i can't keep my mouth shut.

thing is, whereas at one time we would row over our differences, now we just keep one another at arms length. there is polite converstion and the normal family things going on but i just feel really really lonely.

He works alot, when he gets home from work he often has to do more work on the computer. He is never interested in having a bit of a chit chat, it's dead obvious i am boring him so now i always have my nose in a book in the evenings.

sex has been a major problem for years as i feel uncomfortable doing it with him. i never feel in the mood and i think it might be because i don't feel emotionally understood by him if you know what i mean.

i have told him all this stuff but somehow he misconstrues everything i say.

He has been distant and huffy with me all week because i got shirty with him about swearing in front of the children when he is on the phone. Friday night, comes in from work and gives me a hug. Oh good i think maybe things might improve a bit. later on i try to chat abot my day and he's dead ignorant to i buggered off upstairs to watch big brother, annoyed again.

saturday, i get annoyed again because i am having to pick up after him all the time. So, i have spent another lonely weekend hardly speaking etc.

my friend thinks i should call it a day. but, i know i can't do it to the kids and can't cope on my own anyway as the boys are really difficult and i also suffer from anxirty.

i just don't know what to do.

thanx if you hae read all this.

Oh dear.

Sorry to hear things aren't going well. Me and my DP often find that when we are at home we never really talk, very happy in each others company, but uite solitary as well. However as soon as we go out for a walk, or even better a nice meal, we find that our conversation is great.

Maybe try spending some time away from the house together.

Even a picnic with some nice food or a meal?

Best of luck though!

Hi

I would say just go ahead and start bulding a nice life for yourself. You don't have to actually leave to do this. Just take up hobbies and interests that you enjoy, treat yourself kindly and nicely making you the focus of your mind rather than your relationship.

My bet is that once your DH see's you 'having a life', smiling and being happy, he will become interested and will actually want to share it with you

Sounds like the end of the road to me.

You CAN do this alone, your children will be happy and fine, because YOU will be happy. Whats the point in staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids, when they are older they not thank you for it anyway.

You can do it, i did 2 months ago, and i have challenging children, no money and big anxiety problems too.

they MAY not thank you for it

thanx timeforme, that sounds like a good idea.

He has hobbies such as fishing, bmx bike riding etc that the boys love to do aswell and he does often take them one or both of them along.

i suppose i have become a bit of a control freak and done everything for my kids and nothing for me.

when they do go off i find i'm at a loss as to what i could do and spend the time ironing or cleaning! my partner is currently bike riding with the youngest and i haven't even been furthur than the garden all weekend!

think i'm a bit lost really.
i would love to be a strong confident independent woman with a gorgeous looking, kind , caring, gentle man.......maybe i ask too much

but fear being alone and illness among other things and although i can't stand him alot of the time i panick if he may have to go away for work or anything.

i feel i can't win because if i split from him then i will be in a different but still horrible situation i think.

You are not asking too much at all! i felt (sometimes still do feel) pretty mch the same way as you with very similar probelms. Things have improved no end here since I relaxed my control over the house, the kids, the rabbit and took time for myself. A few months ago I was planning to leave, now, I can't remember the last time i felt so happy and content.

It's all down to me making *myself happy though, and not relying on DP to do that for me. In turn, he is far happier too.

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose but a lot to gain

Feel free to CAT me if you need a 'friend' x

i think you need to sort yourself out. take your dh out of the equation for the minute - don't expect him to make you happy. just do it for a trial period. get your anxiety attacks sorted - go to the gp for help with that. think about what you'd like to do with your time and take up a couple of hobbies, preferably one that gets you out.

see how you feel after a month or two and then decide. i don't think your relationship is over. i think you're in a bad place, and i think you need to get out of it before you can start to think about relationships with other people.

I don't think your relationship is over either, it's just entering a different phase. Now its time to get to know you again, outside the role of wife and mother. Embrace it, it's quite a nice phase

thankyou, i really do appreciate it

Your welcome. Hope you are living up to your MN name today! x

i tried to talk to him last night, as he was giving off the impression that he wanted things to be o.k (had put his arm on my back in bed the night before)

but, after explaining to him that spending all night at the pc working and playing made me feel ignored that maybe he could spend an hour NOT on it he said he actually doesn't want to be bothered listening or chatting with me as it IS actually boring and he doesn't care about it, he would rather i got on with my thing and he got with his

he tried to say it was my doing that things were this way,but, it's him who never says thanx when i give him a meal or says goodnight when he goes to bed etc etc etc and gradually i have begun to behave in a similar way.

so, now it seems like we have split up but we are still in the same house!

i feel like someone died.

Cheeryface, i met my hubby when i was 17 and he was 26. We were inseparable but after nearly 9 yrs of marriage and much water under the bridge, i feel the same as you do.

Although when i protest he generally gee's up a bit and then after a couple of months falls back in to the same routine.

I know leaving and the thought of leaving is hard, i have considered it many a time, but we all deserve love and affection, and life is too short to live without it.

My DH is away a lot sometimes with work and i feel lonely too in the relationship. Don't accept this as it is because it will only make you more unhappy.

Either tell him, you need to improve the relationship or that is really it. Don't wast your life on this man when there are plenty of other out there who could make you happy.

My DH is generally loving but does slip and i give him a huge Kick up the Jackseat. After an argument the other day i actually had flowers delivered to work.

Life is too short and you are worth more

Depending on the age of your children, kids get over it and when they have grown up then what? Do you work?? My job is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

i have a couple of houses that i clean, just pin money really.
we aren't married (although i have referred to him as dh on mn as i feel married)

he pays for everything and the house is in his name only, he bought it 2 months before we met.

You do need to start thinking about you and getting a life, but don't put up with this nonense.

Hurt as it may,

You need to think what you want out oflife and how you can get it. If you are about 30 now you are very young- if you had your kids around 20, you haven't really lived- scuse me if that sounds preachy, but I didn't have my kids til i was in my 30s and I felt too young then!

What about going to college- training for a career - deciding what you want out of life. What have YOU got to offer your partner? Do you have an interesting day that you can talk about- or is it empty apart from the kids? It might be harsh, but if you want people to be interested in you, you have to be interesting.

It sounds tome as if you both got together too young, got responsibilites at an age when most people are still at college or university and have now grown apart. It happens. Why not go to couple counselling and see if that helps? As you've got kids, you owe it to them to try everything to make this work, before you give it up.

One more point- you need to take legal advice about the living arrangements you have- if you split up, you will get nothing, as you aren't a joint owner of the house. Why have you nver aksed for that- and what does it say about his commitment to you and the kids if you aren't really equals in the relationship? You need to do some sorting out - fast!

I think communication's a huge issue. Going to bed angry/watching TV while upset will only make things worse. It sounds like he's being selfish/ungrateful etc but really men are simple creatures and like the easy life.

Have you told him how unhappy you are? Does he know that you are even considering leaving? From what I've heard men always play the 'I'm shocked, don't know why she left, we were all fine' when they are finally booted out.

Once I was really unhappy over something dh did and we went away from the house while kids were at school (so no hiding at pc) and I asked him, do you still love me, how could you do that etc, and he was really shocked to hear it.

At least if he comes out and says he wants you together still etc there must be some hope.

glynn that is it i think, i am 31 now.

i have asked to have my name put on the mortgage but it is a few hundred pounds to do it and he doesn't want / or says we can't afford to spend it.

a few years ago every time we rowed he would tell me to leave HIS house, and then say he didn't mean it a few days later. then i told him that the next time he said it i would be off. hasn't said it since.

i just don't know what i want to do. i have no confidence any more, the thought of going to college terrifies me. i have gone from living with mum and dad to living with him and the kids.
i haven't lived.

cheeryface- try to take this all one step at a time. Talk to him again about putting the house in your name. If he won't, go to a solicitor- most offer a free session- and ask what your rights are and what you'd get if you split up. If this mandoes not really want commitment, then you have to ask if he is the right person for you and your children.
Phone your local college and ask for a prospectus- see what courses there are for September- many colleges have a creche and you can do part time courses. Don't be scared- I used to teach in college and everyone is nervous initially, but you will soon make friends. You CAN do all these things- just push yourself a bit to get there!