Please can someone tell me they’ve been through this and it gets easier?

[Sleepyladybird]

That’s it really. First serious relationship/breakup, unhealthy relationship for a lot of the duration, but now it’s over I feel horrific.

We have 1 DC who has NC with ex (his choice.) He dropped us both because he met someone else earlier this year. I only found out that was the reason a few weeks ago.

I feel heartbroken, angry, depressed, empty, cautiously optimistic then the cycle continues. When I found out about the OW and how long it had been going on, ex gaslighted/denied and other typical narc defence mechanisms. I didn’t buy the excuses, and he chose her.

The bit which is destroying me is our lovely DD who he’s completely abandoned, emotionally and financially. Sometimes I feel like I’m making some progress and then I look at her (they look very similar) and my heart breaks a little bit that he’s decided we aren’t worth even staying in contact with.

He treated me awfully a lot of the time but even that knowledge doesn’t comfort me. He’s also very vocal about how in love he is with OW (they’re now in a very public relationship) and he’s always been completely inactive on social media before they went public. We have a lot of mutual friends, and I suspect he has been feeding one of them things to say to me - trying to spread a seed of doubt about the credibility of his love/relationship for her, probably because he wants to keep me on the back burner or as back up sex. Which does wonders for my self esteem I know he has no good intentions towards me or DD.

I truly never felt the way I did about him, I know it sounds naive and childish. And now it’s like they are living the life I thought we had in our future - apparently DC are on the cards already.

I just want to hear if anyone else has been though horrible heartbreak - with DC involved especially because it feels like I will never have closure. I’ve tried being angry at myself to try and snap out of it - being so pathetic over someone who would treat me and DD like this - but it’s failed miserably, the pain is very deep and I’m not sure how to process it with the lack of closure.

Sorry for the sad rant. It’s definitely one of those nights.. just want some hope that I will recover from this and the sadness and hurt won’t last.

This must be very recent op. My heart hurts for you and DD. Such a dreadful situation.

I don't have direct experience but I can speak as someone who has suffered trauma at the end of a marriage. I left my ex after a straw that broke the camel's back. Even though I initiated it (in a sense - though he did force my hand), it still took me six months not to feel very deep pain every day.

Now three years on I am feeling much better. I have moments of anger and grief over the marriage but I'm dramatically happier. I feel moments of genuine joy now. I didn't really have that during the marriage tbh.

Long winded way of saying, it's going to take you a year or two at least to really feel you've come back to the land of the living. It is a hard apprenticeship, this grief thing. It feels like you're dying and in a way, you are. The old you is dying and a new you is being born. It hurts like fuck. But you've got to let it happen.

My best advice:
Write down how you feel every day
Do something every day that feels good - even just a very simple thing
Remind yourself that it is ok to hurt, pain can't kill you, pain passes if you let it run its course
Avoid drinking or indulging in drugs
Talk to someone who you trust, this can include MN!
Get sleep (over the counter sleep aids were necessary for me for the first year tbh)
Get your calories in (milkshakes saved me)
Exercise for five mins a day.

If you can do those things you will get better quicker than you imagine.

I could say many things about your ex but I won't. He's not the important person here. You and DD are. You are going to be ok. Stay close to us here at MN and you will make it through.

Oh. And get CMS on the bastard if you haven't already done so. Your DD has a legal right to his financial support .

Sending you love and light.

Donkey, what a lovely uplifting message x