sister, brother in law and their newborn

[TheSheepofWallSt]

I'm going to try keep this really brief - I think I'm maybe panicking unnecessarily, but it's hard for me to know, due to childhood abuse which has left me completely unable to trust men.

Ive never liked my sister's DP; I didn't like him 15 years ago when he hit on me at a party. I liked him less when my sister married him 5 years ago. I REALLY don't like him since my nephew was born 5 days ago.

This man is patronising, bossy and gauche in the extreme - although he thinks he's very worldly (his career in agriculture and bioscience has required lots of intl travel). He's the sort of man who took a knife out of my hand when I was carving meat 'let me take that before you hurt yourself'; chivvies my sister unwillingly out of the door when she's visiting family if he's bored/ hungry/ tired... you get the picture. He makes my neck hairs rise up.

My nephew was born 5 days ago - and was a bit mucus-y/ his breathing was a bit rough just for a short time when born and my sister had some blood pressure issues that resolved, but still needed monitoring. A few hours after the baby was born, my BIL was asking the midwife to discharge them so they could leave. He was told to roundly fuck off by the midwife.

So he invited his entire family - 6 of them, including very elderly, care-intensive, deaf grandparents, - to the bedside without asking my sister - she was totally overwhelmed. She got out of bed so that there was room for people to sit.

I would love to see the baby - but I remember what it was like myself, and have said I'll come when she wants me - but not sooner. I don't want to interrupt this special family time. I haven't been asked yet - which is fine, I assume that means they want space...

Except they've taken the baby 130 miles each way, to a 50th party for his family today. They're overnighting. My sister is 5 days pp and still hasn't properly established breastfeeding. I have a feeling they're taking this trip because he wants to show the baby off - he's that sort of person. Backslapping, Alpha male, pints-all-round-boys, sort of person.

I'm so worried about my sister, about my nephew doing that trip so soon, and just generally about the family dynamic - but genuinely cant tell if this is my own trauma colouring my judgement, or if there's a reason he gives me the FoF reaction?

For full disclosure - I am in therapy for PTSD, PNA, triggered by excessive attachment to my own son, and also had antenatal depression, so I really dontt know what to think....

Can anyone help me navigate this without upsetting my sister? I can't say anything, can I? I'm the older by 10 years, and am a LP to a 2 year old - she'll think Im being the bossy older sister, when really I'm just terrified she's falling into an abusive relationship, just like our DM was in. I'm so scared for her, and love her so much .... not that we ever say that to each other....

Help greatly appreciated.

Oh dear.
It sounds as if your instincts are spot on.
But there isn’t much you can do, which must be so excruciating.
Presumably your sister was affected by her childhood just as you were, so she is likely to be susceptible to abusive men.
Have she ever talked to you about issues with him?
Have you ever tentatively raised your concerns?

DS doesn't really remember (or at least not actively) - she was 4 when her father and our mother separated - although she has huge anxiety issues that she's never really explored psychiatrically.

When we were much younger we had a huge row, and I told her about all the times I'd hid her under her bed when she was a baby, because I was scared her father would hurt us to get at our mother. It was an unkind thing to do - but she accused me of fantasising to drive a wedge between her and her father. My DM corroborated the story, but my sister and I didnt ever fully repair our own relationship after that.

My sister is hugely private and has never said anything about her relationships - she will openly bollock him / sigh at him/ moan about his moods - so she isn't subjugated in that way - but I fear his kind of abuse is insidious - she's controlled and doesn't realise it.

I've told her she mustn't ever ever keep it quiet if he hurts her, or she thinks he's gas lighting (I didnt use that word) and just said that I was worried because they live so far away ( 100 miles or so). She just said 'I will' and left it at that.

Ugh I feel sick with worry...

Im desperate to see them partly so I can take him to one side and let him know I'm fucking watching him

except Im not am I... or I am watching him, but all I'll get from here is glimpses...

All you can do is be there for her... maybe spend a bit more time with her if possible, help out where you can and build a relationship with her and hopefully she’ll start to confide in you more and you can help her. She won’t thank you if you go in ‘all guns blazing’ around her dh

@blue

This is the trouble... I offered to go as soon as the baby was born, but she was fine with DM.
I told her I'd go as soon as she was ready to see us... she hasn't yet called.
I've offered to use some of my annual leave to go and stay when her dp goes back to work in a couple of weeks, to help ease her in to being alone with the baby.... it was brushed off...

It's so frustrating....

I know from experience that sisterly relationships can be fraught with childhood tensions....I would say focus on being the best support you can be and also doing the thing you said you don't often do - tell her how much you love her! If her relationship with her DP becomes problematic she will feel more comfortable coming to you if she feels you are not anxiously judging her choices. Keep being there even if you feel hurt she's not accepting offers of support. And tell her ASAP how much you are looking forward to seeing both her and the baby. Tell her more.

It looks like your intense concern for her isn't welcomed. Perhaps she feels undermined by it?

She's made her choice here, there really isn't much you can do. You really must keep very quiet your own opinions about him and their relationship. It's essentially none of your business and she won't thank you for it.

He may or may not be an abuser - but that's for her to find out. The best thing you can do is be available to her in a totally non-judgemental way. If she gets a whiff you disapprove she may cut you out.

She's an adult now and you have to let her make her mistakes. You appear to be overinvested, which won't be welcome.

It's no doubt triggering for you, which is understandable and excruciating for you. But there's still no place for you to interfere unless you feel she/baby is physically in danger.

I would send semi-regular supportive text messages so she knows you are there for her when if she needs you.

Maybe ask how your nephew is, how he is sleeping, how she is feeling... that kind of thing. Just to keep that communication flowing.

Are you close? Because while your intentions are good, she may just not want your help. My sister and I get on fine, but I wouldn't want her coming to stay etc at any point, much less after birth.

You may not like her partner, but it sounds like she does. Nothing you have said sounds abusive...just thoughtless.

You do sound extremely anxious and although it comes from a place of love and concern I agree with PP that your sister might find it very stressful and critical. You need to make sure that when you do contact or visit her that you don’t express your worries in any way.

I totally hear what you’re all saying - and haven’t (nor wouldn’t) say it to my sister. DM is there and is quite worried too, but says she can’t talk about it until she’s home in case my sister overhears. We were texting a little last night and she says that my sister is adjusting marvellously, but she’s afraid that her DH “seems to think the baby is a toy” ... I don’t know what to infer from that, except I’ve seen him with my own son, and his default setting is “wind up merchant” . My son is very very sunny and quite wild, but he becomes very sullen when BIL is around.

I know you’re all right, and much of this is likely my own internal issues, but my instincts are screaming out that something isn’t okay - which regardless of the reason (him or my past trauma) is proving quite difficult for me to ignore.

Of course I won’t say anything to my sister- especially not when she’s so vulnerable

Just be there for her. Her husband sounds like a dick but maybe he has hidden qualities. I'd take the annual leave and go and support her in a month or so when she's less overwhelmed. It's a tricky one.

I'd just get in touch and say that youd love to meet the Baby and just to let you know when it's convenient.

And as your Mum is there can you get her to discreetly message letwhen the husband isn't around so that you can ring and be sure to get your sister when she can talk freely??

I'm with Catastic. He sounds like a dick but there isn't a lot you can do.