Am I obliged to tell ex if my and DS sleep overnight away from home?

[sittingonacornflake]

Just that really.

ExP barely sees DS (EBF 7mo) but has told me he feels I ought to tell him if me and DS aren't spending a night at home 'in case of an emergency'. This has come up because we are staying at my DMs tonight (5 minutes up the road).

If it was the other way around I can totally appreciate that I'd be desperate to know where DS is at all times and would hate the thought of him sleeping somewhere else and me not knowing. However, exP doesn't really see DS and doesn't know where we are when out and about in the day. I'm just not sure why night times are any different - DS is EBF so will always be with me.

I just don't want to feel I have to report my movements to an ex, I want to feel I can have some degree of privacy. But I also don't want to do the wrong thing if it's normal to tell exPs this kind of thing.

Has anyone got any experience of this?

He doesn’t have to know, but you have to accept that once he’s able to have his DS on overnights that you won’t know (or be “entitled” to know) where they are.

Absolutely not. Do not start this, it's a ridiculous precedent and very controlling.

@Changedname3456 this is what I'm worried about. If I don't tell him now will I shoot myself in the foot in the future if he has DS over night and then won't tell me where he is.

I was wondering whether we should agree that whilst he's EBF and sleeping with me I don't need to tell him (unless we're actually going away somewhere properly on a trip) but when he's old enough to have a sleepover somewhere without me I'll make sure ex knows?

Is the reason he's not seeing baby so often because you're EBF?

I wouldn't. How will he know you are not at home? Does he check up on you?

You both have to accept that the other is a competent parent and fit to make the right choices for your son. That means that, unless you’re taking your son out of the country or considering a permanent move miles away from him, it’s none of your exbf’s business where the two of you are.

Equally you have to accept the same. You shouldn’t “need” to know where your son is, when with his father. If he’s not a competent parent then he shouldn’t be having unsupervised access (when that time comes, of course).

As an aside, I appreciate the benefits of BF but it’s pretty limiting to your ex’s ability to bond and look after his/your son. At what age do you intend to change that and introduce overnights?

Sorry not wanting to drip feed (hadn't thought of the relevance) but it is ex's choice not to see DS much. He's just had a week off and I repeatedly offered him contact every single day and he only saw him 1 day for 45 minutes at my house. It was 1 of the reasons we split - he didn't parent at all.

(So yes I will be worried about over nights if that time does ever come).

@Olivo I don't know. But my house is in a very prominent position and it would be easy to tell if I'm in just by looking at the house (which can be seen from many different places) as lights would be on.

It's non of his buiness.. def don't start this as it will only get worse as he gets older.

In an emergency you will call him, doesn't matter where you are if that happens unless you're many miles away surely?

Don't tell him. it is control and nothing else.

If you have a mobile you are always contactable in an emergency.

If it is 'your' emergency I am sure you will contact him if you need to about DC.

@GummyGoddess that's what I was thinking but didn't know if I was missing something. Surely it would be a call to say 'meet at the hospital'. I can't think of an emergency situation where we would be staying in the house.

Bollocks is this about your ex knowing the whereabouts of his ‘beloved’ child (the one he declines to see).

This is about maintaining some control over you and knowing if / when you’re seeing someone else.

Tell him nothing. He’s unlikely to ever have him overnight if he can’t spend longer than 45 mins with him, isn’t he?

None of his business.

It also wouldn't actually be your business if he had contact and stayed away. As long as he is not an unsafe person, then no court would order otherwise.
And there is no reason he would "need" to know if you both have mobiles.

Theres no need to tell him, he just wants to know where you are of a night time. Set some lights up on a timer and give him no information at all.

Tell him to jog on and it's nothing to do with him. From your posts it sounds like he will lose interest in his son soon enough.

It would be interesting (but not very) to know what kind of emergency he felt he would actually be able to help with. I doubt he has thought this through in any depth.

Agree with PPs.
It's none of his business and a control tactic.

No you are not obligated. This kind of request is nothing more than controlling. I dont even think most people do it in order to control you personally, rather it seems the go to line when someones trying to grasp over what control they can whilst the rest of their life goes out of their control,whether their actions are the cause of not because if they had a lot of or total control before to go from that to nothing is even more profound for them than for someone whos been forcing themselves to cope with a lack of control for years anyway.

My children live with their dads. Dd with hers and my sons with theirs (private arrangement, my mental health simply means their dads are better placed to meet their needs. Depending on my mental health i have up to 50/50 care of them. We work it out between ourselves).

I never ask them crap like this. Theyre just as much our kids parents as i am. If i didnt trust them completely they wouldnt have my children living with them for a start. If he cant trust you to be five minutes down the road with the child without endagering them to the point you need him on standby for emergencies, why on earth hasnt he raised concerns elsewhere? What on earth is going to happen there that isnt a possibility every day of the week?

You technically cant expect the same from him, however, if it helps, the fact he does no parenting in my opinion justifies your feelings more. Me and my kids dads have been there the whole time. Theyve never let our kids down as parents. You dont have anything like that to provide you with a feeling of security. He needs to commit to building a secure partnership as a parent with you for that to happen.

Could you reassure him that somebody would always know where you are in case of emergency? For example, your mother? That might be a good route in case of an actual emergency and to show goodwill to him.

Do you think he will really be an involved enough parent to want overnights etc in future?

Just agree that you will and carry on regardless

And shut your curtains!

Thank you all for the the responses. I feel very confident that I can push back on this now!!