Please help. I’m grieving and my partner isn’t being supportive

[Greatpretender]

My younger sister died five weeks ago in an accident. I have been in a daze since then and me and my family are all devastated.

My partner seems to be losing patience with me. He was reasonably supportive at the beginning but has stopped asking how I am to the point where I’m putting on a front and pretending I’m ok. All he does is come to me with his problems. I’m signed off work at the moment so he calls me from work up to six times a day to moan about one thing or another.

This afternoon he called to whine about his boss (ive heard the same thing Day in Day out for the past week) and in the end I snapped. He took it personally and said I’m hard work at the moment. I know my mood is a bit up and down but the reason I snapped is because I am sick to the back teeth of hearing about the same non issue. He basically has problems with other colleagues at every place he works - it’s never his fault of course, he’s always victimised according to him and he ends up moving on quite often - but I just don’t have the headspace for this right now.

To make matters worse he always calls his mum for a second opinion after he’s vented to me. I’ve heard her answer the phone to him before and she sounded exasperated and said: ‘for God’s sake what now?’ so she obviously goes through the same as me.

Also now that I’m off work he’s been calling in sick quite often which annoys me as he’s self employed. Then he’ll moan that he’s short of money bangs head against wall He’s also supposed to be saving up for a deposit so we can move in together (he still lives at home) but the way he’s going it’s not going to happen. We’re both mid thirties for context so it’s not as if he’s an immature teenager.

My question is: am I being unreasonable to break up with him? Or am I just not thinking straight following the bereavement?

So many red flags, I've lost count! It's only a few weeks since your sister died and already he's bored and impatient. It'll take you a long longer than this to get over it.
He moans a lot.
He runs to his mum when he wants to vent.
He's always calling in "sick"
He can't get on with people.
He can't hold a job down.
Get out now, and run as fast as you can, OP.

I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine you're just running on auto pilot and just getting up is a struggle. When I had something similar happen a very wise person told me that the way someone reacts when you are in crisis is who they are. I'd imagine you won't have the strength right now but please consider if you need this man in your life

At any other time, it would be a yes! Of course, dump his ass.

At a time like this, when you have something so monumentally awful to cope with, I would say don't even bother to dump him. Just disengage and dont waste any more of your breath or head space dealing with his pathetic problems. Use your energy looking after your family and YOU, the only people that matter right now.

Don't pick up the phone, don't answer the door other than to tell him to get to fuck. He is being unbelievably selfish.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. You've shown unbelievable tolerance and strength trying to act like you're OK. You are too good for him.

Flowers and hugs for you

Hi OP, I'm grieving in a way at the moment - close family member been given a few months to live.

I'm very conscious of my mental state at the moment and not reacting emotionally / out of character so completely get how you are feeling.

But... I would not be rushing in to move in with this guy. You're not married, you don't have kids so you can still walk away. I would cool off him for a bit, ask him not to phone you during the day as it's not helping you right now and then re-assess once you feel that you have a clear head.

OP you have the patience of an actual saint!

What an overgrown twat of a manchild he is.

I’m so sorry about your sister, you deserve to be supported and listened to.

I was in a bubble of grief for an entire year after my Mum died, him expecting you to give a shiny shite about irrelevant crap after 5 weeks is spectacularly selfish!

If you’re feeling up to it, get rid.

You deserve some meaningful and genuine RL support.

So sorry for your loss op.

That is a devastating blow and I am so sorry you are having to wipe the tears of a petulant man toddler who is so self absorbed and selfish he cannot bear the focus to be on you instead of him.

Even when you need him most and need his empathy at least, he is telling you loud and clear not to rely or depend on him if it's not about him

His selfishness and lack of compassion and empathy is astonishing.

But you know where you stand.

He has done you a massive favour.

Smile sweetly and let him fade out of your life and focus on you and only you.

Then when you are ready, you would be best to learn a good lesson from this and that is never form a relationship with such a selfish person again.

Look out for the red flag bunting.

This one is draped in it.

It was his time to step up and make you feel loved and supported. Instead, he’s calling you 6x a day to talk about himself.

There’s no excuse or justification for that kind of twat. You deserve better.

Gosh I’m crying my eyes out here. I’m so touched by all of the lovely responses. It means a lot that people have taken the time to reach out to a stranger.

As some people have said, I don’t have the strength to break up with him right now but will fade him out instead. I feel like he’s ridden roughshod over me at the worst time in my life and that’s not acceptable.

I’ve been quite hurt by his family’s reaction too. I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a while and they haven’t once asked how I am or said they’re thinking of me. I’ve seen them twice since my sister died and they just sat around talking about themselves as they always do. Not one person asked how I was doing. My boyfriend said that after I went round to his mums they all discussed how much weight I’ve lost since the bereavement and how I can’t afford to
Lose anymore. Didn’t really need to hear that to be honest.

dancing I am very sorry that you are going through such an awful time

I lost my brother suddenly just over 3 weeks ago. My dh has been nothing short of amazing though he is grieving as well. I would not have the head space to put up with this OP. 5:weeks is nothing. I too am still dazed and confused and off work.
He needs to support you or disappear.

So sorry for your loss

Oh you poor lamb. Your "boyfriend" and his family are total wankers. Please put them to the back of your mind, you'll find support elsewhere, and of course here.

I lost my younger brother too. I know the pain and I'm so sorry you're feeling this now. Do you have other friends you can chat with? I would also recommend speaking with a grief counsellor if you can, I don't know what services are offered in the UK though.

Please don't try and run away from your grief - even if you can't speak to anyone in real life, the Bereavement forum here is incredible. I remember posting a lot when we lost my brother. Just knowing I was sharing my experience with others who had also suffered immense loss made me feel that much less alone.

I wish you some peace in your grief OP

I'm so sorry for your loss namechangedyetagain and so sorry that your grief is so new and raw, both you and OP.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both xx

So sorry you've lost your sister op and in such a tragic way. You've had a traumatic shock and have barely began to process it all.

It's not surprising that your partner is unsupportive given his family have shown you no sympathy. They sound self absorbed as does your partner. People like that can only focus on themselves.

As pp said, disengage from him. Ignore his whiny calls. If you must respond just say things like 'I'm sure you'll sort it out'. He's really not worth more than that.

On another note, are you getting support to help you deal with your sister's sudden death?

Big hugs x

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister - what a dreadful, shocking loss.

You are 100% justified in fading out this selfish manchild. Thank heavens you're not actually living together.

Sorry about your sister.

But you need to leave this man. He’s a twat, he’s shown his true colours. Run a mile!

I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister.

As to your DP. Step away. On so many levels.

Thank you all for your kind words. My sister was only 19 and I am just numb to be honest, it has been such a huge shock and I feel bereft.

doing I’ve just started grief counselling which is helping. I’m lucky that I have some fantastic friends around me who have been very supportive.

It's so awful what happened to your poor sister. I'm so sorry for you and your family.

Regarding your boyfriend, he really isn't a good person for you. (Not sure who he would be good for, mind.) He's selfish, childish and immature. His family don't care for you in the way you deserve. Now might be a good time to think about your life, in the light of the loss of your sister, and live it the best way possible, ie without him.

And don't answer the phone to him when he's working. He'll get fired one of these days and you don't need to hear him whining on.

Hugs.
Sisters are so special.
Keep up the grief counselling.
Be with your family.

It's been no time at all.
Just take your time through this very difficult time and put yourself first x

Is he worth the effort? I don't think so. I think you can do much better.

YANBU

I'm so sorry for your loss

I cried everyday when my Nan died and my DH was my rock. He didn't judge me, gave me a cuddle when I needed it and he supported me and my DF when it happened.

Your partner is not good enough for you, you deserve better. You have every right to grieve in whatever way you need to and he's a bastard for making you feel any form of guilt for your pain. I hope you don't have children with this man as he's a man child and selfish. Not the qualities you need in a partner. You need to be selfish now to get through the next day, next week, the next year as first year is the hardest when you loose someone as it's always the first time without the person you lost. If you have no appetite eat little & often, you do need to look after yourself but that's for your own strength not because his family commented.

I really don't think that you are going to build a good life with this man. He is self-absorbed and selfish, lazy and cannot get on with people suggesting there are problems at the interpersonal level. Get out while you can.
I am sorry for your loss, you must still be really shocked and devastated.
Look after yourself!