Lying husband

[Jayneeco]

Hi
I have no one to talk to about my situation
I’m 53 married 7 years
I had a lovely life with my husband but it’s all a sham
We rent a gorgeous house £1500 a month and had s call in May from landlord saying we’d mussed 3 months psymrnts. My husband pays and every month I ask have you paid rent and assured me he has. I was fuming as we had no way of paying back quickly but luckily landlord rd agreed an extra £500 a month to clear debt. I was mortified I got divorced 12 years ago and fought my way back from serious debt to be now pretty much debt free. I brought 3 sons on my own during this time and they are all adults
My husband now is kidding the extra psymrnts and we still owe 2k

Since then lists of my husband debt had been exposed and he assured me he’s paying monthly what he owes but letter today say different I’m fuming he’d kying to me yet again
I have a reasonable income and can’t see a future with this lying man who lies to me yo my face
I’ve got no savings my 23 yr old son at home and my two gorgeous dogs. I won’t be able to afford anything half decent and probably won’t be able to rent with my dogs who I’ve had 9 years
I could cry constantly he’s ruining my life but how can I continue
My boys are so wrapped up in their own lives they hardly ever text me if I’m ok. I’ve always hidden how I feel and have given them everything to help them out I guess a detriment to myself

I feel embarrassed at 53 I have nothing

I feel for you massively, my STBXH lied about finances and rung up massive debt which he still won't take responsibility for.

You need to leave him, I've rented with three dogs before - it is possible.

You need to focus on yourself, your kids and your dogs and drop this dead weight - he is only dragging you down and will continue to do so.

Why are you not BOTH looking at bills. Why did you not know for 3 months. Maybe he is struggling with the responsibility of all this and can't cope with the pressure.

This was me. My husband left it 'all to me'. It's simply not fair for joint expenses and joint costs for two people to all be put on one person. Man or woman. The rent debt is both of yours. Take JOINT ownership of all bills. It's the point of marriage. Sit down with him and tell him you want to know exactly what's owed. Look at your income (I'm presuming you earn as well) and his, debts. Make a budget that is checked on by both of you. Leaving one person to 'do' bills is not fair.

I also hope your 23 yr old son is contributing equally to the rent.

@offtocornwall Why are you not BOTH looking at bills. Why did you not know for 3 months. Maybe he is struggling with the responsibility of all this and can't cope with the pressure

Ahh, I didn't realise it's ok for men to lie through their teeth whilst looking you in the eye. Pressure my arse!

I pay all the other household bills and he is earning over 6k a month so that part is his responsibility
When you find out he had a 20k loan with the bank and closed the account with a fake address in France I think I’m entitled to be annoyed

He pays one bill I pay the rest

I couldn't stay married to a man like this, OP. It's a terrifying thought that your rent isn't being paid.

What's he spending his money on? Is he a gambler? Do you have any shared accounts?

I think it's time your 23 year old son moved out, particularly if he isn't even civil towards you (or is that just the other DC?)

Are you in London? That seems like a really high rent to me.

Of course I brought my children up to be responsible
When you unearth 40k with of debt which he’s made arrangements to pay back and then still can’t stick to it it’s pretty bad. I’ve been bailing him out each month to pay stuff and he’s been keeping the money and lying he’s paid what he had to each month

My 23 yr old is my lifeline st the moment he himself had Been through a tough time and I don’t want him knowing what’s going on

So if he's been keeping the money, what's he spending it on? I would want to see his online banking to see exactly what's going on here.

Can you afford to rent on your own (in a cheaper place)?

Is he really earning £6K a month? Have you seen proof of this? It seems odd that he wouldn't have bought a property if he was earning such a lot.

He won’t let me see his account

Yes he earns that much but when you live with a compulsive liar how can you tell what is real and what’s not
I ask where his money goes he replies it just gets spent

Fuck off Joe66 . Until you have had ALL the financial responsibility for a household foisted on your shoulders 'because you're better at this stuff' (for that - read I am shit with money so will unilaterally decide YOU can do it, then if anything gets fucked up I have someone to blame) then you know nothing. This isn't a gender issue no matter how much you wish to make it one. I was the one in this particular position and I am very much the woman. I also lied to my DH because I couldn't admit I couldn't cope.

It doesn't matter what bills or who pays. The ONLY way is a joint account where all bills come out of. That way both parties have equal access to the knowledge of what has and hasn't been paid and makes it their business to know. So even if you are not actually paying OP, you can see if it has been paid iyswim.? He can also do the same with the bills you pay. That way the RESPONSIBILITY of joint bills is under the joint control of you both. Not just one. Regardless of who is paying.

Op, can you take over the rent as well, with him giving you the money. At least you'll know it's paid. In the meantime you can consider whether the relationship is salvageable. Is bankruptcy for him an option? It will deal with the debt issues in one swoop. However you need to clear the rent arrears as if you included them in the bankruptcy they would fall to be your sole responsibility. Depending upon what his income and expenditure is on essentials, he could also face an income payment order. All of it is irrelevant if he won't grow up and deal with his debt. The other issue, is be careful with your own credit rating. As you have an association with him financially with the joint tenancy you could find your credit rating reduced as a consequence. Unlikely at this stage, but you should probably keep a monthly check on it via experian, which is free.

Projecting much offto?

The DH only pays the rent. Surely that's not very stressful if you live somewhere you can afford? Just set up a standing order and forget about it.

I couldn't live with someone without full financial disclosure. I'd need to see everything. But not everyone does that.

offtocornwall the worst possible thing for OP to do would be to have a joint account with her partner. There will then be a definite financial association and her credit rating will take a hit. This could be devastating for OP if she decides to separate and needs to rent a property in her sole name. And the point is you should be able to trust your partner when they say they have paid a bill whatever their gender. The point being ops partner has lied through his teeth. And this isn't about you offtocornwall it's about OP.

I luckily have nothing in joint name with him

Agree with @Joe66

Absolutely do not open any joints accounts with him; it will mean his rating will increase and yours will reduce. Why won't he show you bank statements? I'm sorry OP if that's the case I think there is more going on here. I would tell him you want to see his accounts or you'll walk. You cannot build a solution or a relationship if you don't have the full picture.

He is putting you through an awful lot and by not showing you his bank statements is choosing to put you through this. He needs to be honest.