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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"Mutual" friend getting a bit too close to DH .......

11 replies

sandyballs · 23/08/2004 14:38

interested to hear views on this - whether I'm a sad paranoid old cow or justifiably concerned!

Basically, a close friend of my DH split with his girlfriend a few months ago - we stayed in touch with her as well as him as we had become quite close, holidaying together etc etc. She is still in love with ex and hopes to get back with him, she says, but he has someone else now.

She pops in to see us now and then for a drink and I have noticed how "animated" she seems to be when chatting to DH and how quiet she is when I am in the room - I shrugged it off, thinking i was being silly. However, a couple of Saturdays ago we were in a pub with her and some other friends - she had a little cry about her ex and, as usual, cried on DH's shoulder and had a hug, then she went off home in a cab. I borrowed DH's mobile to phone our own cab and a text message came through from her to him saying "I love you, xxx". I stormed back into the pub to show DH and he pleaded ignorance, saying he didn't know why she had sent it, assuring me she was probably just being friendly! I looked at his other messages and there weren't any from her. DH rang her the next day and asked her why she had sent it to him, she just laughed and said she always sends everyone loving text messages when she's a bit drunk and she hoped she hadn't offended me - by the way, she didn't send me a message on my phone!

Anyway, I forgot about it, until last night when DH casually mentioned that he had received about 8 text messages from her one afternoon last week. He showed them to me and they were mostly about her ex, but also very complimentary about DH and flattering, signing off with a big love and xx.

I just think this is all wrong - you don't send messages like that to friends hubbies do you! Particularly when she knew that the first message had upset me!

Warning bells are ringing - I don't think DH has done anything, or even intends to, but I can see he is hugely flattered by her attention and it scares me. It doesn't bloody help that she is in her 20's, long legged and olive skinned, while I, post babies, am about a stone overweight, and covered in stress-induced eczema!!

Sorry this is so long and boring but I needed to get it off my chest.

Add a Message

OP posts:

Blu · 23/08/2004 14:43

Oh, poor thing - it sounds as if she's making a terrible fool of herself.

Sandyballs - I can see why you are anxious, except that you lovely DH is being very oen with you, phoned to ask why she had texted him, and is telling you about the other texts.

Would he ask her to stop it - before she gets really out of hand and makes a really regrettable fool of herself?

Lorien · 23/08/2004 14:48

Hi Sandyballs, I don't think you are at all a sad paranoid cow. If I were you I would also have alarm bells ringing all over the place. Do you feel up to ringing the girl and telling her that you Dh showed you the messages and you are upset about them?
What does your DH think? He is obviously a little concerned or he wouldn't have shown you the messages.
Thinking of you, Lorien

beachyhead · 23/08/2004 14:55

Very good advice Blu - I wouldn't worry as he is showing you all the texts, but I think he should tell her this is 'inappropriate' as our US cousins would say. I would also call her bluff slightly by chumming up to her - I've done this recently as a female acquaintance started getting v. flirty with my dh. I've now joined her campaign to find her one of her own - and am trying to make it that she regards me as the friend first and not him...

fabarooney · 23/08/2004 15:01

I think you are right to be concerned. The fact that your dh is her ex's best mate means that he is a way to get at the ex.

Tell your dh that, although you understand that he may be flattered by her attentions, this is making you feel uncomfortable and you would like him to make it clear to this woman that she should not carry on texting him. Always have a "diary conflict" whenever she suggests getting together (you and dh).

Mosschops30 · 23/08/2004 15:24

Message withdrawn

bran · 23/08/2004 15:28

Ooops! I posted on the 'where has it gone' thread. Basically agree with what everyone else has said.

Motherdearest · 23/08/2004 15:52

I think it's important that you don't let this become yours and DH's problem, thereby creating an issue between you both. He's doing all the right things at the moment - showing you texts etc. and I think it's only natural that he's flattered.

I'm not sure I could make a friend of someone like that as suggested earlier though! In your shoes, I'd nickname her 'bunny boiler' and talk to DH like she's someone to be pitied but maybe avoided.

Roobie · 23/08/2004 16:06

Difficult one this..... if she is a real friend of you both then she may ultimately welcome a halt being put on her rather strange behaviour before she makes a real fool of herself. As he seems to have her ear more than you I would suggest it is up to your dh to do the honourable thing and put a stop to her nonsense before it gets out of hand. I would come up with a way of doing it so she can 'save face' and resume normal relations with all concerned.

Original poster

sandyballs · 23/08/2004 16:54

Thanks everyone for your replies. Glad it's not just me being paranoid! It really is strange behaviour isn't it! I'm going to speak to DH tonight and ask him to tell her to stop sending him messages. I do trust him (I think!), but he's only human and its natural to be flattered by attention from a good looking girl isn't it.
Particularly when home life is so manic at the moment and we don't have that much time for one another with extremely lively 3 year old twins.
It's made me think that we need to start putting each other first now and then.

OP posts:

ChicPea · 23/08/2004 22:13

Her communications with your DH are inappropriate and thoroughly agree with other MN'ers postings. I would be tempted to send her a text from DH mobile saying "Here is (your name)'s mobile number, probably better to keep in touch with her" or something like that.
Whenever a female friend has started ringing my DH, he now (after many conversations) sees it as inappropriate, he can see that they are making it clear to him that they are interested and he tells them to ring me. Even if they are married and are making arrangements for the four or six of us to meet for dinner, he still refers them to me.
Good luck.

kalex · 23/08/2004 22:24

Sandyballs

Take this as a good sign, you trust him and he is showing you the mesages. Tell her to "go away". She is jealous of the relationship you have got and wants the same thing

But also realise that you probably don't pay each other enough attention and cook him a really special meal, book a babysitter and go out.

Turn this to your advantage, you have both been neglecting each othe, make you BOTH realise how lucky you are to have each other.

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