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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with sister

7 replies

lunatunes · 18/09/2018 14:39

I have always had a difficult relationship with my sister. She's 5 years older and has always tried to boss me about and manipulate me. In the past when I have stuck up for myself she's gone absolutely mental. She completely over reacts to the slightest thing. In the past when I've questioned something she's done just in general conversation she's taken it completely the wrong way and gone mad making something that was just a question into a huge row.

She's so sarcastic with everything she says to me. She will be over the top nice being fake and say something like that's a nice top when I'm wearing something really old just to make people look at what I'm wearing.

Her husband has started now aswel and the last couple of times we've gone for family meals every time I've spoken he's tried to make me look stupid.

They do it in such a way that if I ever said anything they would say they were being nice/having a laugh. The latest thing was this weekend, it was a family occasion and I had bought a gift for my parents which had gotten left at my ds house. She bought it along and made a point of telling my husband that they had chucked it on the floor in the car and it had been rolling round everywhere. Ds then made a big song and dance in front of everyone saying ooh look what lunas bought you better open it now because Luna has bought that. Bil then starts telling my dh that what I've bought is shit and he hates it. I didn't hear this and dh didn't want to ruin the occasion by telling me there so I found out later.

This was at the end of a day full of snide remarks and little digs all done really slyly. I honestly don't know what I have done to her. She has been like this forever. I'm done with her now, we will never get on. I feel like there has always been something with her where for whatever reason she doesn't like me.

In the past we have fallen out and not spoken for a period of time but this was years ago and was over her behaviour and how she treats people. I don't think she ever got over this and I think she holds a massive grudge still even though she acts like she doesn't care. If this was the only thing I would put it down to this but she has been like this since childhood. How would other people deal with this?

OP posts:
whynot93 · 18/09/2018 14:46

She's jealous.. plain and simple. Do a bit of reverse phycology on her and be over nice when she compliments you on a item of clothing.. oh really you like this old thing.. you need to get on trend 😆 sod em, your so better than that 🙌

lunatunes · 18/09/2018 14:53

I wish I could think of saying something like that quick enough! It's usually half an hour later when I think damn I wish I'd of said that lol. I'm hoping to just avoid her from now on as it's doing my head in and I don't think she'll ever change.

OP posts:
WhatWouldJackReacherDo · 18/09/2018 16:58

My sympathies - my sister is very similar. I doubt it's anything you've done but as whynot says, it's just down to jealousy.

Like yours, my sister seems to take great delight in trying to hurt me and is also very manipulative. When I was young she was brilliant at pushing my buttons - she knew exactly how to goad me and would say something horrible, often with a sickly smile so that she could pretend to anyone else around that she wasn't really being horrible or could pretend that she was just joking. I usually ended up exploding and then my parents would tell me off as they seemed oblivious to what she was doing.

She still acts this way despite our advancing years. I find the easiest way to deal with it is just to avoid her as much as possible. When I have to be around her I try not to react to her slights at all and if I do I try to respond rather than react and just answer her in as bland a way as possible. This means that she often makes herself look stupid in front of other people because her behaviour then stands out for what it is (rather than people seeing me stamping my foot shouting 'but she started it'!). This works better for me than trying to come up with a quick witted response as she'll always come back 100 times worse.

But be warned if you try this and she finds her usual tactics don't get the reaction she wants from you she might start to escalate her behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2018 16:59

I would cut contact completely and permanently, and I suggest you do the same. Just because she's your sister does not mean she deserves a place in your life.

LuckyAmy1986 · 18/09/2018 17:17

You don’t need to be around people that make you feel like shit, sister or not.

lunatunes · 18/09/2018 22:13

Whatwould your sister sounds exactly like mine! When we were kids ds would pinch me whilst smiling and looking the other way so anyone looking wouldn't realise what she was doing and even now she will be completely vile whilst smiling and saying it in a sing song voice so she can pass it off as a joke if anyone's listening.

One of her favourite tactics used to be saying things which she knew would push my buttons then when I reacted she would say look at you, you need to calm down and make out like I was losing my temper over nothing.

It's sad isn't it that family can treat you this way. I honestly feel like nothing I could ever say or do would be right for her and I'm sick of trying to get along with her. I definitely think going no contact is the right way to go.

OP posts:
whynot93 · 19/09/2018 06:00

I spent years baffled by my sisters constant pot stirring and snide comments. It's cause life long damage to me! It is a form of bullying, she turned both my brothers against me at some point in my 20's then my parents passed away .. we all drifted in our separate ways and I came to the realisation that she was the person making me so miserable! I cut all ties, moved on, traveled the world with my career, got married, had children and only once I was confident she could hurt me no more did I allow her into my life again. Shes still jealous (god knows why) one of my brothers (he's now 50) admits her lies were believed by him and he's sad that things turned out the way they did. Me.. couldn't care less!

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's ok to step back and take care of yourself. I remember the mental head f*ck it caused me .. just by turning my back on her for a while made me stronger, this may be the only way for you right now. We are still in contact but now on my terms, maybe see her twice a year. Sadly we can't choose our family💐

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