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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me off!

20 replies

onemoresmartie · 18/09/2018 13:00

Hi everyone

If anyone knows me from previous threads I have split with my partner now and I need to fight the urge to contact him.
I drove over 100 miles to him and he was horrible on Sunday so we ended it I gave him his keys back and he told me to block him on everything which I did do on Sunday and he has also blocked me on WhatsApp...which I wasn't expecting
He hasn't ever blocked me before so it's always left the option there to contact him
I am worried about him because I still care about him, he is in debt and has been getting death threats after a fight last weekend
Any words of advice or gentle shakes? 😞

OP posts:

daybydaybdbdbd · 18/09/2018 13:03

Have you considered putting together a list of things you can do when you get the urge to contact him?

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 18/09/2018 13:10

What kind of list? To be fair I am at work through the day so I need to make myself concentrate but it's so hard
I think I'm most hurt because he doesn't care to know how I am

OP posts:

crappyday2018 · 18/09/2018 13:36

What would contacting him achieve? If you don't want to get back to him you are being unfair by contacting him. If he is in debt, that is his problem to sort out not yours. If he is getting into fights at weekends, that is his problem not yours.
I have often been tempted to contact my ex too, then I remind myself that it will open a can of worms and possibly put me back to square 1 again.
Keep reminding yourself why you split up!

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 18/09/2018 14:11

It's just so hard not knowing how he is but he obviously doesn't care how I am
I'm struggling not to ring him from another landline to ask him why he's blocked me but I need to stay strong
He will have probably moved on and I need to do the same

OP posts:

blueangel1 · 18/09/2018 14:13

OP, he has blocked you because he doesn't want anything to do with you. I know that's a tough way of putting it, but that's how it is.

If he doesn't care about you, he's not worth having and you deserve someone better than him.

crappyday2018 · 18/09/2018 14:16

And what happens if you find out he's not alright?? what are you going to do then? Its really best you don't know.

daybydaybdbdbd · 18/09/2018 14:16

I mean things you could do instead of calling him. When you say "I'm struggling not to ring him from another landline to ask him why he's blocked me but I need to stay strong", I think you'd probably agree that calling him is like a compulsion? You feel like you can't resist doing it, rather than that you think it's going to take you anywhere you want to go?

If you're at work then obviously you're not going to be able to get away with painting your nails, repotting your pot plants or making a batch of cupcakes, but these are the sorts of things I'm thinking of. Actual productive things that you could do with your hands to give you a different focus.

blueangel1 · 18/09/2018 14:18

I've looked back at your last thread about him; it's sounds as though he has issues with gambling and has stolen money off you. You're well rid, even though it might not feel like it at the moment.

dancingintherain1111 · 18/09/2018 14:20

Someone on here gave advice to text or email yourself with what you want to say to him.

I've done exactly that over the last two days whilst trying to deal with my stbxh and I've found it really helped, made me feel better and get a bit of anger / upset out at the same time.

I am keeping the draft emails I have written so in the fullness of time, I can look back at them and see how far I've come - hopefully!

RoseyOldCrow · 18/09/2018 14:24

Gentle shake? OK, here goes...

Give him some space. Now. He will be alright; you aren't his solution to everything.
You're better than this, keep your dignity.

(You also sound very lovely! 💐)

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 18/09/2018 14:57

Thank you roseyold
I have been too lovely I think and it's the way I am, I think he bets on me reaching out to him but I would be more upset I think as he wouldn't be very nice
We were apart a year and he came back for us to be together so I guess I hold a lot of guilt
I was miserable and the lying, gambling and drug and alcohol addictions are too much for me to live with and try and get a handle on.
I desperately hate being single

OP posts:

RoseyOldCrow · 18/09/2018 22:39

Totes understand how you feel about being single, but frankly if he game gift-wrapped with a bouquet of gold roses & infinite chocolates, single would be the better option!
There are many more people who would appreciate & care for you, those are the ones you need in your life. Separate your identity from your ex and enjoy your new self!

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 19/09/2018 11:52

Thank you
I've been really struggling and I'm only 3 days in...is it important to maintain no contact or should I ring him to stop me worrying?

OP posts:

chemicalworld · 19/09/2018 11:56

Don't call him. What are you worried about?

Herewegoagainx1000 · 19/09/2018 12:00

It is far better to be single than with the wrong man and from the sound of it he is the wrong man.

Do not waste your time worrying about something you cannot change.

If you call him you will only open up the line of communication and for what reason??

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 19/09/2018 12:04

I just want to know he is okay, I'm worried because he had death threats Late part of last week and I'm wondering if he will stick around or move to another part of the country again
He has a habit of moving around quite a lot

It's hard to not know after speaking to someone every day to not knowing how they are

He hasn't tried to reach out to me so I would assume he doesn't care how I am so I know I shouldn't care either but it's so hard

OP posts:

BalloonDinosaur · 19/09/2018 12:07

I've been in a similar situation in the past OP, and I promise you, it gets easier. It's awful feeling like he doesn't care, or desperately wanting to know that he's ok, and what's going on with him, but you need to remain NC.

He has made it clear that is what he wants, and you caving in and contacting him will only make you feel worse in the long run.

The longer you go without speaking to him, the easier it will get. Good luck

chemicalworld · 19/09/2018 12:07

You cannot worry about him anymore. It seems like you both reached the end of your tether with the relationship and now you both need time and space to sort out your own lives. It is hard, but these decisions have to be his.

If you are worried about him properly, just ask someone he knows if they can check on him. It isn't up to you any more.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 19/09/2018 12:29

The thing is we separated before for a year and got back together and I just can't deal with not knowing he is okay
It's bad and it consumes my thoughts
It isn't normal I know it

OP posts:

whatwillbewillbe03 · 19/09/2018 13:10

It is normal to care about someone and for you to worrying BUT there is really not much you can do either way.

Each passing day will get easier try and distract yourself from your thoughts with work/book/film eventually you will find you don't think about it soo much.

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