I am shocked when I hear other dads-to-be saying they are really looking forward to their child being born. I’ve even heard other dads saying they enjoyed ‘the adventure of the pregnancy’! I’ve heard other dads-to-be say when they found out their wife was pregnant it was the happiest day of their life. What?!
I’ve read online about fears/concerns that other fathers-to-be have had. Reasons such as; money issues, changing nappies, being a good dad, will the baby love me? etc. I do not have these concerns. The main reason I am not looking forward to it is because of my wife. I think she is going to make my life and her life a living hell.
She is very emotionally unstable. I have informed her that getting really stressed or screaming and shouting is not good for the baby. She won’t listen. We can be in a 5* luxury hotel in an amazing part of the world and she can still be super stressed and angry for days and make it her mission to spoil the holiday. In everyday life she cannot handle small problems or adversity.
A challenging email from a client, an argument with a colleague; losing a bus pass (she said this was the worst thing that ever happened to her), she gets angry, feels sorry for herself, cries, blames me, blames the world, hates the world, but takes no responsibility. She was in therapy for a while to help with these things but then stopped.
After one particular hard day at work she had, I tried to put things into perspective. I told her about I book I was reading, a true story about a US Marine, whose typical deployment would be; friends getting killed, not eating for days, getting seriously injured, the savage heat, the fear that today could be his last, and so on. She then told me how her office job was harder than the US Marines. She was being 100% serious. I am not joking. You cannot reason with someone like that.
I fear that when she is tired, after she has given birth, during the first few months (or years) the above behaviour is going to be even more extreme. God forbid we have any issues or the pregnancy doesn’t go 100% as expected. I want to be there for her but she does not make it easy for me because she makes no effort with me.
For example, for her birthday in the morning I got her a cake, sang happy birthday, made her breakfast. I got her a few small presents all wrapped up, it took me hours to find a great place to take her for a romantic weekend away, but I found somewhere amazing which wasn’t cheap. I wrote and printed out the things we would do on our weekend away. I also organized all her friends to come to her birthday meal, I got her (another) cake and we all sang happy birthday and she had a great time.
For my birthday recently she got me a valentines card and wrote happy birthday in it. I told her about something I wanted, she ordered it using my credit card, we then sent it back as I didn’t like it. She then forgot to get me anything else. I had to remind her a few weeks later that perhaps she should get me something. She told me off, cried then felt sorry for herself – then ordered it – but I felt guilty for reminding her. On the evening of my birthday, we were on holiday and we met up with her family from the area and went out for a meal. I felt really silly because I was thinking ‘I hope they don’t have a cake for me and sing happy birthday! How embarrassing!’(but really hoping they would lol). She and her family didn’t get a cake or anything, no one even said happy birthday. At the end of the day I thanked her for a nice birthday, she looked at me shocked, I think at some point during the day she forgot it was my birthday. Lol.
Lastly I’ve read that it is good when the baby is born that the parents stick to a routine, for the baby’s sake. I have no faith that she will not be able to do this. She is late for work almost every day. She sometimes doesn’t shower for 2 days. She says she will go to the gym but rarely does. If she works from home, she will sleep all day (even before she was pregnant). She says she will eat healthy but does not. She says she will do her morning yoga to help with aches and pains, she never does. She talks a good game but does nothing. I can see no way that my wife will wash every day, eat meals every day, go out and get fresh air each day etc. The result of which will make her feel worse toward a downward spiral.
I cannot talk to my wife about the above issues. If I try and suggest therapy, or that she could make more of an effort in our relationship, or if I try and mention about keeping a routine she will go mad at me, cry, I’ll say sorry, she will then feel sorry for herself and then all will be forgot.
I am here to support her. To do everything I can to help her during this pregnancy and birth. Carrying a baby and giving birth is no small feat, I know this. I will try my best to be strong for her, to love her no matter what. To take it on the chin if she goes crazy at me for no reason, during the ups and downs. I can do all of that and try my hardest and be strong for her. But deep down, the result is I am really not looking forward to having a kid. In the short term at least I see nothing but misery, constant negativity, a dark time where the relationship will be suffocated, how I will be walking on egg shells, how I will have to use every ounce to try and stay strong FOR US, how she will be sleeping all day, going days without washing or leaving the house and feeling sorry for herself.
I am generally a very positive optimistic person, but I am not in control of my wife’s behaviour. I just think some people prefer to be unhappy.
When people say to me ‘congratulations’ or ‘you must be excited’ I honestly do not know what they are talking about.