Anyone else?

[SamanthaP1]

Hi, does anyone else sometimes feel a bit resentful how DH can just get up and go whenever they like? For instance they can go off and pay golf on a Sunday morning or play football on a Wednesday night without having to think about DD? Already knowing that they will be looked after. It isn't like I partially want to do anything at these times, but I feel like it is taken for granted.

Sorry that is meant to say particularly, not partially

Every damn day 🙃🙃

We have two nights out a week each, the other three nights we stay in together. Sounds kinda rigid, but that way we both know it's fair, and we can choose what we use our nights for. Maybe something along those lines would be helpful?

It would be helpful if we knew what times he would be back from work and what days he works from home, most of the time, we won't know until that week and it can change, so its a pain!

I'm a DH and a SAHP to our DS6 and can't ever imagine just taking off and assuming DW will just automatically take over, that's not on. Yes we both get to do our own things but they're planned well in advance.
For me, his behaviour is out of order.

TBH I think you should be asking for advice from people who either don't feel resentful or don't let their DH do this.

Best thing I can say is that you are being taken for granted and he is taking you for granted if you haven't had a discussion about how you jointly manage parenting and set aside time for yourselves, together or apart.

I personally don't think that amount of time to yourself is selfish in a marriage or partnership. Provided he sends his other spare time with his children and with you. Unless there is an issue of additional parenting or care needs.

But I do think you need to decide this between yourselves because every one is different and we all have different needs, as individuals and families. So if i assumed I could go to the Gym 4 time a week without discussing it with OH then I am taking him for granted. However if we have discussed and agreed the arrangement then it is ok.

I find it tough, because I would never want to stop him doing what he wants to do, I just find it irritating recently that he goes out and it is not like I can just get up and go and do my own thing. I suppose I have only been a Mother for 2 years and we are both still adapting to things, but I just have to adapt a hell of a lot more than he does, because of his job etc.

I'm sure there are loads of women in your situation.
But no, DH was very good like that.
Of course we both had hobbies and both had to dial them back because we had less time.
He basically quit some hobbies when we had kids, because he didn't have time to do them.
Now the kids are older, he does go out 2 evenings a week doing hobbies, but then I do as well (well, I do my hobbies during the day, but I have time to do them).
You should be able to get up and do your thing too. Or if the kids are too young and take up too much time, he should sacrifice some of his time for them.

It does irritate me sometimes, especially on weekdays. However on the weekends if I suddenly said to him that I fancied going for a coffee with a friend and I was leaving in the next 10 minutes he would be fine with that too!

Why can’t you go out? If he is there then he can look after his child.

The best thing to do is sit down together and work out how you are going to manage your spare time in a way that is fair. Flexibility isn’t working for you, so you need to know for definite when you can have time for yourself and when you have couple time. He will have to work around it and agree it with his manager and team. It’s doable even in the most unpredictable job. Maybe not 100% of the time but certainly 90% of the time. If he has to work on your night, tell him to organise child care if he needs to.

His job is not an excuse just an issue to manage.

No, thankfully my DH is a proper involved parent, we always make sure the other is free to look after the kids if we want to go do something like that (or did they're teens now so there's not really "babysitting to be done anymore)

We used to do what moreteapenguin does buy found the rigidity stifling - it also wasn’t conjusive to my DH working patterns (he works away a lot so messes with any kind of structure like that).

But I’m answer to your question, nope, doesn’t happen here. I have 2 evenings a week that I commit to exercise but always make sure it’s ok with DH in advance, and DH will always ask me if he wants to make plans of an evening. It’s pretty fair in this household.

I agree with other PP, just do to your DH what he does to you, make plans and go out, he can’t complain.

I fucking hate it....but if I say anything I'm the bad bitch who won't let him do anything may be projecting here 😂 with an up and coming 3 day bender planned for his mates bday

I know this feeling all too well. My DH used to work all day and then get in, eat and then go out and do something every night with not so much as considering that somebody (me) would be here to look after my DD. Everything in the relationship suffered. I used to spend my evenings reading romance novels and frustrating myself.

I also used to make out that he just missed the solo sexy time because he was out too. I would lie on the sofa like I’d just finished when he got in. This actually worked for a short time. Ultimately we had to just talk about it.