Am I unreasonable to expect some help?

[estobi1]

Argh!!! I feel like I am going mad! I feel like I am getting very little support from my dh and I am permanently tired and cross.

I do all of the housework,the gardening washing and ironing, most of the childcare and I work part time in a very stressful job. Occasionally he might wipe up and he is good at picking my dd up from nursery and shoving her in front of the tv with a mcdonalds so that she doesn't cry (she is two!). Sorry for the sarcasm but I am so p*ed off!

I get up with my dd, I bath her every night and put her to bed. He will bath her but will almost drown her so she goes wild if I send him up to bath her. If I ask for more help I will be told that I am nagging as he has a very demanding full time job and is doing a masters degree so he doesn't have a lot of time to spare.

One thing that is good is that if the house is not tidy he doesn't care and he will happily get a take away

However, I am 4.5 months pg with our second child I have not been well and I feel like the house is permanently a mess and that I always come bottom of the pile. I am constantly chasing round behing a toddler and a messy man and never winning -Is this modern motherhood?

The other thing is that he doesn't value our home. I keep seeing other people's husband's who help with tasks such as decorating, gardening or spending money on furniture to make the house nice and my dh is just not interested - everything will be too expensive or we can't afford it but I feel so resentful about the lack of interest in the home. We went on holiday with another couple recently and the man was interested in his duaghter and shared the childcare 50/50, washed up and tidied up after himself. I get up to a house full of mess every morning and if I mention it I just get sighed at or told to stop going on.

I apprreciate that a lot of this is nesting and hornmones but if I read another thread re morning sickness where people suggest that their dh brings them a ciup of tea or a ginger biscuit in bed I will cry (mine of course is having his usual lay in).

I am sorry to rant but I feel that I have married a teenage boy. Please could others rant and let me know that they are in the same boat so that I feel better! Please don't suggest that I try talking gently to him as been there done that. Suggestions to stranggle the b*gger would be far more appropriate!!!

You need to sort this asap as the situation and the resentment you feel is only going to be 10 times once when you have 2 children.
Sorry that sounds pessimistic and probably is not the advice you want.
But you need to make it clear that he needs to change, he needs to help you around the house.
He also needs to spend a lot more time with his child because once you have the new baby and are feeding all the time, or recovering from the birth, then he is goig to have to be in charge a lot more, he'll have to put her to bed, bath her. It sounds a bit that you like to be incontrol of everything so you have to let him bath her his way etc otherwise he'll always have the excuse 'I can't do it' because that's probably what you tell him.

God i feel for you. My dh is quite good we also have a dd who's 18 months and i'm 25 weeks preg with dd2. I've been quite lucky with not being sick this time. If i were you i'd tell him to sort it the f**k out and go out somewhere. With or without dd. Maybe go for swim to get away and relax? But then i'm quite a direct person and dh sometimes feels the brunt!

Good advice Compo.

When my DD was born he was very emotionally unwell and ended up in hospital for a month. I took on the role of sole carer as I had to be and I don't think that has ever changed. He has up and down times and I find it difficult to live with.

I do want things to be different and when the new baby comes, you are right I will need a lot more help - may be I can't ask for it in the right way. I just can't ever seem to get through to him in which ever way I try. The mess thing has been a problem for 10 years and never resolved so I guess I have given up. But you are right the resentment is eating me up to bursting point and I just want to walk out.

I think party of the problem is that I hate confrontation as soes he and therefore I will brsuh things away rather than saying just how much soemthing is upsetting me.

I also think that I am being a martyr to myself which is not good and can't be nice to live with

Brushing things under the carpet will get you no where and if anything make things worse. I think you need to take a big gulp and make the first move to sorting it out. Sorry if thats not that helpful but unless you do your go round and round in circles.

Of course you're not, we'd all like a partner who actually shared the load. To take the pressure off, can you afford a cleaner? Maybe get one in, instead of a take-away?

Communicating is definitely the key to change - you know him best, what would make him muck in more? And meantime, have you got family and friends that can give you a break?

Do you cook and clean for him? do you wash his clothes too? Why dont you stop and just tell him you cant manage everything so you are just doing what you can?
and dont give in stick to your gums or yau will be a doormat for the rest of your life and really resent him.

Sorry am going to be miserable I think this is how all my problems started I didn't say anything/sort it out/give him ultimatum - just got more pissed off and resenful till I could barely talk to him didn't want to shag him and really just ignored him - being a tosser of a man he just went elsewhere for sex and affection
I do think with hindsight if we had just managed to talk to each other about what was bothering us (me same as you) him lack of affection/not making him feel wanted (HUH!) we might not have made it but we might not have ended up in such a horrible mess as we are now - TALK to him go to relate if necc but sort it out before it gets worse ....

I feel like this with my dp, i think you may need to put your foot down! good luck