Difficult chlldhood, abusive relationships with parents, how to disclose with new men?

[chemicalworld]

Hi all,

I have undergone a lot of counselling over the last few years, which have helped me to become aware of how my childhood has affected my relationships through the years. I feel now in a good place to have a healthy relationship but struggle with knowing what to disclose and when.

I am not ashamed of my past, it has shaped me into the person I am today and there are positives to the negatives. I am open with friends about this and they have supported me and been there for me over the years. I am very lucky to have a wonderful network of friends.

I am now 37, and would love the chance to settle down and meet someone properly.

The abuse has not been of a sexual or violent nature, I just had a distant relationship with my Dad and my Mum relied on me emotionally as she has been suicidal and depressed for much of her life. It has been that way since I was 11 and it did have a profound effect on me.

I am generally a humourous, kind person with many interests but I struggle a bit with what and how to disclose as I guess I fear that people will run a mile if I do.

Any help or advice?

Can I ask why you feel you need to disclose it to people? (asked in a nice tone!)

Good question. I guess because I feel it makes sense of the pattern of my life. It has taken me a long time to work out myself, and I suppose I feel the need to 'excuse' the fact that i've not been married or have children. Perhaps I shouldn't feel like that but I do, it has made up a big part of who I am. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and it is still something that I am now very aware of for my own welbeing.

I wouldn't disclose to someone immediately, but I also don't want to feel like it is something to feel ashamed of, because actually, I am very proud of the fact I have come this far and have had so many realisations which have helped me get to this point.

You don't have to disclose anything you don't want to.
Just enjoy anything for what it is to begin with.
When things get serious then you can tackle this IF you want to.

I definitely don't think it's anything to be ashamed of but I don't necessarily think it's something you need to urgently sit down and disclose either.

Naturally as a relationship progresses overtime you tend to learn more about each other's pasts, family etc. It's over time. After 7 years I'm still learning about my other half childhood and family.

Personally, I wouldn't make it a sit down discussion but as and when you feel comfortable and the time feels right, speak about bits and pieces.

You shouldn't also feel like you need to 'excuse' why you haven't been married or had children, it is what it is and the direction your life has gone in, and that's that. It's not a reflection on who you are as a person.

I always go with saying enough that you don't lie, but not necessarily telling the whole truth. So you say you're not close to your parents. If asked why, just a vague "Oh we're very different people I guess".

I was in a similar situation to you albeit a few years ago now but I had something that happened to me when I was much younger and I always disclosed it when starting new relationships and friendships as I felt it important for that person to know that about me.

However, I then decided I was getting upset each time I was bringing it up so I decided I wasn't going to disclose it anymore as I felt it was something I had overcome and didn't want to keep bringing it up.

And you know what? I felt so much better because of it, it wasn't hanging over my head all the time and as relationships developed they got to know me and love me for the person I am and I realised it made no difference whether they knew this big thing about me or not, and over the years that thing has now become almost insignificant in my life.

I'm rambling (sleep deprived) but basically what I'm saying is maybe you don't have to disclose this any more and just feel content that you have dealt with it and it no longer defines you.

Thank you so much, your responses make sense to me. My relationships have been with people who know me well, and so ive not had to disclose. I think that was part of my attraction to my ex, because he just knew and it was ok.

Now, I want to get out and meet someone new, and to build something new and it feels nerve wracking to do and i've been unsure about what's normal and how much I should disclose etc. Ideally I want a relationship with someone who understands me and accepts me, so it is important to me that they know at some point.

Elmo, I have been in a process for some time and I think in some ways I still am, but I accept myself now and don't want to feel like I have to feel bad about my life having not gone the way I would have hoped. I feel in a better place to do this now so I hope that soon I can feel the way you do.

Thank you x

I agree, leave the past in the past. (Easier said than done.)

As you get closer to someone it will come out in a conversation, probably when the time is right and like you said you have nothing to be ashamed of, you've dealt with it and moved on. That's all they need to know.
I had similar as a child. Dad was the worst, Mum used me as an emotional crutch. I've dealt with it. It's in the past. Nothing more to discuss. Now is now.