Extramarrital crush

[confusled]

DH and I have been together for a little over 10 years, we have one school aged child. I'm a SAHP. Being a bit vague here as I don't want to be outed... Not sure why I'm posting, maybe just to get it off my chest?

I've developed a crush; through a project this guy and I have been spending quite a lot of time together lately. We've known each other nearly 2 years, and have been close in that time, but something changed not long back. He doesn't talk about himself a lot, but really opened up to me recently, and it seemed to trigger "feelings" and I don't think they're one sided. We're both quite touchy feely people (not just with each other) but I find myself wanting to be close to him a lot, and suddenly hugging goodbye seems very important! We went out for a drink together not long back - it wasn't meant to be just the two of us but that's how it ended up - (both our spouses were aware, and we both know each other's spouses a bit) and talked for hours. It was the most relaxed I'd been for ages.

We're friends, and I don't want that to change. We would be a train wreck of a couple, and I've no illusions that he's this "perfect" guy - I'm very aware of his faults!

I know the right thing to do would be to cut contact for a bit, and wait for this to blow over, but as I mentioned, we're working together on a project which means seeing a lot of each other over the next few months, and it's not something either of us can walk away from. Thing is, I've found myself smiling each time I get a message from him, and I've caught him looking at me then quickly looking away so I kind of get the feeling that this isn't one sided, which makes it all the more dangerous, I guess?

My marriage isn't amazing, but it's not awful - usual stresses about finances, general day to day life etc. DH isn't a great Dad lately (not abusive or anything, just distant) and I find myself questioning whether we'd still be together if I had the money/opportunity to leave. Not that I'd want to be wit this guy if I did leave!

As much as I get a buzz from being around this guy, I don't want to sleep with him (sounds like a line, but I've given it a lot of thought and I definitely don't) - I think it's more an emotional/affectionate attachment?

Any tips on how to break free from this a bit? I've stopped messaging him unless it's urgent project related, and I'm trying to keep my mind off him, while also trying harder to bring some affection back into my marriage, but it's hard when I get butterflies when I know I'm going to see him. Oddly, I'm usually fine once we're around each other - maybe it's all just in my head?!

PLEASE stop this NOW. I am in the same position as you but much further down the line. I would give anything to go back in time and stop myself. You have no idea of the heartache this will cause if you let it go any further - I’m not talking about your DH’s heartache or the other guy’s wife, I’m talking about yours.

Yes, nip it in the bud. Speaking as the wife who has just found out about a crush. DH has shown me all the texts that were starting to overstep boundaries and has cut contact with his friend but still the repercussions go on. Even the smallest break of faith is hurtful. I've met people over the years that I could have crushed on, we all do but it's the reaction that matters. Sounds like you're on the ball but keep it up, it is not worth the heart ache. Currently reading Recovering from the affair by Lee Baucom. Has a good chapter on debunking the infatuation part.

My husband could have written your post. They look forward to their “goid morning” and “goidbye” hug every day. Revolting.

The destruction this mutual infatuation has caused in our marriage is irreversible. If he is still oblivious and you want to work on fixing it, stop now. Stop contact that is not strictly professional.

I don't think your DH is distant, I think you are, projecting, you're distant?

If you're revealing thoughts and feelings to each other, I believe this is an emotional affair.

Google 'affair chemicals'. They're very addictive. I'd personally pass the project over to somebody else in order to protect my marriage.

Yes, husband also said I was distant, I wasn't I felt him pull away. He also started to tell me off for shouting at him. Eldest child had to step in and point out I wasn't shouting at all. Things were only bad for 4 weeks and he DID stop it but as I said before the repercussions on our entire family are badand on going.

Then you know what to do! The question is, are you willing to do it?

Keep work as work, stop going out together and stop messaging! I have been there, we all know what a crush is like, you need to pull away or risk a lot of damage to numerous people.

DH is distant - we barely spend any time together even though we're in the same house, I can't really be more specific without being too obvious. We spend evenings in different rooms, barely speaking. I've tried to make time for us, and suggest we spend more time together, but his stuff seems to take precedence - I'm not claiming to be blameless here, but I do feel like I'm tired of being the only one who seems to makes an effort. He has very little patience with our child, and is reluctant to spend any time with them either, which is an ongoing point of contention.

The project isn't a work thing (again can't be more specific) and isn't something I can step away from or pass to someone else until it's finished, and neither can he.

I've resisted the urge to message tonight, and will keep doing so. We've always had a "banter", but there's nothing we've said to one another that I haven't felt I could share with DH, and often do tell him all of our conversations. I've not deleted messages, or felt the need to. Since things changed recently I have purposefully not let the conversations become like they were before because I don't want to cross any boundaries into flirting or anything that could be misconstrued as flirting.

We haven't spoken about our relationships really with one another, no more so than I do with other friends, but we do talk about personal things that I don't think he'd speak about with other people. I'm generally an open book, so I wouldn't consider many topics off the table with people I get on with?

I know I need to find a way of dealing with it, but I genuinely can't avoid being around him for at least the next 2 months. I sort of feel like coldly shutting him out just as he's managing to open up about stuff wouldn't be great for his mental health as he doesn't talk to anyone about it - I care about him as a friend, and wouldn't want to hurt him. Do I talk to him about it? Explain why I need to step away?

OP I'm sorry, this isn't going to be easy to extricate yourself from, but I think you need to.

I think this relationship is on a trajectory towards a full blown emotional affair, or physical affair. It's difficult when something is enjoyable, but with each shared conversation, the intimacy will grow, and you'll suddenly be unable to walk away.

Nothing needs to be done cold turkey, but please look after your emotions. There is a chance you could lose both your OM and your husband if this escalated. Make your moves wisely and mindfully.

Good luck.

Your justifications sound just like my husband’s... you are in an emotional affair and im complete denial.

I can only wish you luck like the PP and hope for the best. It doesn’t look like you’re happy in your marriage...