This is more just me venting but it is something that gnaws at me and I bet DH is sick of hearing it - I am too!
It's about friendships. Right now I am in a good place. I have a good tight group of friends from various locations, work, hobbies etc. But it dawned on me that I might have fuck all if it wasn't for DH.
I made friends and had intense friendships but I am in contact with hardly any of them. Even when we were friends it was always me phoning and arranging things. We did fall out once and I did try to make it right but it dawned on me that it was still all me. Also most of the time my calls would go straight to voicemail and were never returned So I didn't phone them and wanted to see what would happen - 12 years later no calls.
Also ,I have had friends with a wide range of opinions - I thought we got on and respected our different opinions. Sometimes there said or did things I wasn't happy with but I'm not perfect. It was only when I saw comments on my status on Facebook practically dripping with contempt that it dawned on me I had got them wrong - they didn't respect me.
There others I supported when going through some MH issues as well as a short but nasty relationship breakup. They could be negative and draining but also such fun. I thought they were good friends despite our political differences.
One issue was even though I supported them through MH and a break-up, when something similar happened to me, including a close family member having a stroke, they did nothing. I became invisible to them, even though I'm sure they knew. There was the odd thing that made me think that they didn't think I was a real person, more someone to look after them and entertain them a bit. I have AS so it is highly possible to misread people but I thought we had a tight friendship.
Not once did they come and see me or phone me. We sort of lost contact after Uni but made up again and we got to see them again - it was good but we started to drift a but -busy lifes, us having kids etc.
Things was they were becoming more extreme in their views and post Brexit they so drank the Koolaid (I do still have Brexit-voting friends just not these ones). WHen I was going through MH problems and jobseeking last year - venting on Facebook of course, again I was invisible. I thought they were better than that.
It seems I had got them wrong and I was just a gonk, a cute bouncy thing who existed to make them feel better but didn't have any feelings themselves. It would explain why they could be so condescending to me. Thing is, it was almost as if they were punishing me for being depressed as it was as it depression was their thing and that I'd changed lanes from being perky goth to depressed person and that somehow wasn't allowed. That I was only an amature depressed person?
These are a few examples but it seems every time I try to make friends with my own initiative I have to keep up the momentum - it's me that has to call them, make things happen otherwise no-one would call me. I'm not that demanding - weeks go by or months but as an introvert it is exhausting having the expectation of being a social hub. I'm not sure what to do but I'm avoiding facebook for now (Brexit and similar sets off my anxiety) and only focusing on people when they contact me.
I'm not sure what it is - I tend to have more male-domianted hobbies, I speak to everyone the same. I come across as very young for my age (late thirties) but I have a highl skilled technical job. It's just that I am STILL seen by some as bouncy comedy gonk/invisible superwomen. Anyone else felt like that?
PS well done to anyone who's read all of this.