Moved on and now ex won’t accept divorce

[singme]

I just want some reassurance really. I posted last November when my H told me he didn’t want to be married. At the time he showed signs of being depressed including taking a small but deliberate OD of sleeping tablets. He moved into the spare room and I went from being his wife to being a supportive friend. The way he treated me was appalling and looking back I do think he never really loved me like I did him- I was more of a “pet” to him that he liked having around. Also discovered the extent an emotional affair with a mutual friend later on (have posted about that too). It was the darkest time of my life and I finally moved out in February.

Since then my life has got exponentially better. I got a new job, I love my new flat, I’ve been on several holidays with my amazing friends. I saw a counsellor for a while to come to terms with the end of my marriage but then found I was running out of things to say to her!
I have even met a lovely man who I have been seeing for a couple of months now, still early days but going well and I’m quietly hopeful.

I saw stbxh last week to give him some paperwork for the car that we used to share. We have kept things amicable and I know that things with the woman he was having the emotional affair with have gone badly- basically she didn’t want him! I do worry for him as I think he is lonely and lost, but I don’t love him or want to be with him anymore.

Anyway when I saw him he gave me a huge hug and sat really close to me, and said he’d missed me and he wanted to see me more!

I didn’t want any confusion so I said that I didn’t think that was a good idea, we need to get divorce sorted and I didn’t really want to spend time with him. To which he got quite stroppy and said I “only care about paperwork” and then threatened not to sign our divorce papers in February (going for one years seperation with consent as we live in Scotland).

Now I’m worried sick that he won’t coopperate with the divorce and I’ll have to stay married to him for longer. I’m also feeling guilty that he’s lonely when I’m now happy again, but I feel totally emotionally manipulated by him!

Please tell me it’s likely to work out ok!

Thank god you left and created a new life for yourself. He sounds truly awful. Stay friendly but keep your distance so you don’t get sucked back 🌸

Of course it's going to work out! You've moved on but he's turned round and come back again. Karma came along and bit him on the bum and he'll just have to poke up with it won't he? Well done for getting your life back together.

Tbh he may start to play silly buggers and try to delay the divorce, but he can't stop it. Don't start feeling sorry for him. He needs to do what you did, and move on.

Thanks! I’m know there’s still a few months before I can file (wish I moved out sooner but at least I know I tried) so I’m hoping that he will either be in a better place and be happy to sign, or he’ll have met someone else again and also be happy to sign. If not, I guess I have to wait another year for 2 years separation without consent or I could go down unreasonable behaviour route. I’m only not doing that now because of cost and because things could get nasty if I list all the things that have happened in the paperwork!

I'd take what he said about the divorce as an emotional knee jerk reaction. Take with a pinch of salt.

He might strop about it now and again. Don't bite....let him stamp his feet but continue moving towards the divorce.

He's hurt that's all it is. Separation is rough on both parties. He thought his life would be better seperate and looks like he's realising that it's not...the issue with his unhappiness is himself was not the marriage. He can't divorce himself he has to face his own personal issues head on.

You on the other hand have flourished😃 you deserve it💗. Don't let his shit now affect the life your building for yourself.
His shit he has to sort out himself if he's ever going to be happy...no one can do it for him and I'm sure he's realised that now but he has to learn it.

Pay no mind to him...keep moving towards the divorce

Sorry for the lack of punctuation, still having morning coffee

Thanks Wheely. I think he is realising he has lost me after years of him feeling secure and adored. I hope he finds what he’s looking for but I can’t help him. Probably in the end he will see sense and agree to the divorce (that he instigated!)

I think the problem was is that he had his eye on an upgrade so to speak and thus gave you the script. You moved forward, the upgrade didn't bit and now he's put since you're not going to be plan B. It sucks, but even if he doesn't cooperate the end is in sight. Don't let yourself be sucked in.

He will have to cooperate at some point. Ignore him, he's behaving like a toddler being told it can't have it's toy. Are you not filing because of the adultery? You should.

I had something similar my ex left me but then tried to be difficult about the divorce. He's probably just annoyed you've moved on. I think its better to mentally prepare for him refusing and come to terms with the fact you might have to wait for however long it is to divorce him without your consent. Don't allow him to have control of your life again and by trying to get him to agree to divorce you are allowing him control again.

Just ETA i was also married to my ex and i know its frustrating to still be married to someone but its better than trying to negociate with them. Just wait the two years and stop contact with himm.

Don't rise to his threats. It's likely to work out okay and if it doesn't, go unreasonable behaviour. He's an emotionally abusive twat. No more spending time with him at all. What a knob he is.

My ex was a total uncooperative dick at first even though it was his affair that caused the split. But over time it got better. After 4 years he's now more cooperative than when we were married...

Can’t file for adultery because I don’t believe they ever actually had sex. Just romantic bike rides, whisky tasting, festivals etc which he paid for. He has said before she “led him on”. It would be funny if it wasn’t so awful!

Whatever you do, so not increase your level of communication. In fact, you should only communicate if absolutely necessary about the divorce. Ignore texts, emails, phone calls, whatever. All he is trying to do is gaslight you. You've come so far, don't ruin it now.

You have a wise head on your shoulders.

Do not engage with him. Don't let his emotional flounce (for want of a better word) stress you out.

He probably wasn't expecting such a clear rejection. Because he's an egotistical twat.

Just keep on getting on with your own life, sounds like you're happy and healthy. Revisit the divorce in February. He may well have grown up a bit by then/met someone else. But don't let this derail you.

I’d make every effort not to see him in person. Send him the paperwork. You will feel cold and heartless but he has brought this on himself, don’t let him manipulate you.

You’ve done the right thing OP by laying it out to him about the divorce. Carry on and set the wheels in motion to divorce him, if the worst comes to the worst just wait it out another year.

Thanks all. Good to know I’m not being unreasonable. February is a while away so who knows, it might all be fine by then...