MIL dilema....

[Jonut]

I have two daughters, Dd1, aged 5 and Dd2 aged 9mths. On friday nights the girls go to PIL's between 5pm and 11pm (I work 5-9pm, Dp picks me up and we go to a nearby pub for a chat or restaurant for meal till 11pm) I don't like them going down there as even though MILis a lovely lady with a heart of gold, I don't like the way she looks after the girls. On most nights by the time we pick them up she's fairly tipsy and sometimes out and out drunk, she lets an aggresive dog in the room with them even though I said he wasn't to be around the girls (he's "gone for" lots of people and nipped two badly enough to need stitches)I found out that they were locking him out when I was there and as soon as I had left letting him back in again. I recently found out that FIL ghad been smoking around Dd1, which we put a stop to straight away. I know you're all probably thinking "Omg, what a shit mum to let this happen!" but the only reason that I let it carry on is because if we don't take them down on the Friday they'll never see them and it's important to me that they have relationships with their grandparents as I never did and also because Dp works in the family business with them every day and if he mentions anything she goes mad and freaks out saying that she wasn't drunk, just tired (yeah, that's why you were slurring your words, because you were tired!)and begs me not to make a fuss. I just think that we would never accept this from a hired babysitter so why is it acceptable just because they're their grandparents? The last straw came this and last Friday when Dd1 told me that MIL has been shouting at Dd2 because she wouldn't go to sleep!! She's 9mths old FGS!!!! I just don't know what to do, I hate confrontation but at the end of the day my kids safety comes first.

Can't you take them there on a Saturday or something so that you can supervise the visits.

TBH I wouldn't leave my children there in those conditions regardless of the fall out

agree with pixiefish, all the concerns you mention are very worrying and IMO dangerous.

My children would not be going there. Sorry. Drunk (or even 'tipsy' in charge is utterly unacceptable, and as for the dog, No amount of family harmony is worth that. I would make arrangements to go out on day trips at weekends (doesn't have to be every weekend!) instead.

Wot Pix said and more. No way would I leave my kids around a dog that has nipped anyone especially as she is on the piss. She might think the dog is being docile because of the drink but I bet it isn't.

Also we have a rule in our house, ONLY ONE of us has a drink. Ever.

read this and then leave your kids there

Why will they never see them if you don't take them down on the Friday?

Jo, re-read your own post and tell me what you would advise if someone else had written it.

It's totally clear that you need to stop this arrangement. It's not an either/or situation....your children can still SEE their grandparents, but surely you need to be supervising.

There is no dilemma, here - at all.

madame, they won't see them because they can't be botherd. I told Dp this afternoon that they're not going down anymore. Keeping Dd2 away will be easy but it'll be harder with Dd1 as she loves going down there and gets really excited (but probably only because they but her magazines and shitloads of sweets and chocolate) UCM, I agree, I very, very rarely drink as I don't like the thought of not being in control should anything happen

but there must be a time now and again when you could take the children there yourself/or DP? They could still get the contact with their grandparents but not the risks attached.

They run their own business so the only day they have off is Sunday afternoons and tend to want to spend them doing nothing. They do have time away during the week when Dp takes over but Dd1 is in school and I can't really take Dd2 down as I suffer with very severe eczema and am allergic to dogs (MIL thinks I make this up )I just don't understand why they can't stay sober (they're BIG drinkers) and keep the dog away for a few hours a week so theycan see their grandchildren.

My ILs are fairly big drinkers too (FIL at least is definitely dependent) and MIL a heavy smoker. They are very set in their ways, but when ds arrived we made it absolutely clear that we didn't want drinking and smoking around him, and they stick to it. We don't leave them there though - one or the other of us (usually dh) is always around.

Perhaps they will, if they don't see their grandchildren otherwise? At the moment there is no incentive for them to change, as they are still being given charge of the children; they're being allowed to keep fooling themselves that this is ok.

Be strong with them. I know it's hard, and awkward, but it's got to be done, don't you think?

we don't leave him there. (in fact ds is now 2 and has never been alone with anyone except dh and me...)

I had a relationship with my grandparents, but what I really wanted all my life was a good relationship with my mother.
Dont worry, at 9 months, nobody would be missing out on anything. When we let our babies be with our MILs at this age, lets me honest, its only for the sake of the MIL. There will be plenty of time in the future for your child to forge a relationship with your MIL. But at 9 months, you only need to be thinking about your DD. No-one has the right to shout at a little baby for not sleeping FGS.
If they make a big thing of it, then they are just being selfish. They are the grandparents, but you are the mother, and being the mother holds a lot of weight.
She probably can`t handle the two kids either, and probably knows this.
Is there no way you can pop around on a saturday morning or something. Or forget about the meal with your husband afterwards?

I ONCE let Step MIL babysit DS ... she and FIL gave us a voucher for a nice restaurant for our wedding anniversary on the condition that we let her babysit. I didn't want to but I agreed because we were skint and hadn't gone out for dinner for 3 years and DH didn't want the fall out.

We took DS there, waited till he fell asleep (DS didn't want to be left there with her) and then went out. We were out for 2 hours. When we came back and Step MIL was totally trashed, couldn't speak and was wondering around naked and FIL had passed out on the sofa.

Never again. End of.

Jonut, I think you can only do so much. It sounds as though the relationship is very one sided - they aren't prepared to see grandchildren on Sunday afternoons, they aren't prepared to give up drinking/smoking/having the dog around when the grandchildren are there.

I think you should try letting them make a bit of an effort. I agree that grandparents are important but the current situation clearly isn't working and I think you were right to say this to your DP.

If DP's mother cannot be bothered to see your children at any other time then that is her problem and her loss ultimately. My parents very rarely see my son, they cannot be bothered to see him frequently. I can see why you would want your children to have a good relationship with the grandparents but to be frank some of them are not up to the task in the first place. These children do not deserve uninterested and indifferent grandparents like the two you've inherited.

What if something bad happens whilst your children are in her care - one gets bitten by the dog for instance?. Who are you going to blame them apart from yourself and your partner for leaving them there and them?. Too many risk factors are present for you to be able to safely leave your daughters in their "care". I would agree with Sakura - she cannot handle two very young children. This witch of a woman shouting at your nine month old for not being able to go to sleep!!.

I would also have to say that the two of you need to put on a united front and talk to them jointly - you realise as well as I do that your partner appears to be brushing this all under the carpet in the hopes it will go away. Well, it won't. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as there are some unhealthy dynamics going on here with regards to these grandparents.

Can your partner look for another job - I would think he needs to seriously distance himself further emotionally from them.

You ultimately will need to change your plans for the evening and get someone reliable who can look after your children at home. I use an agency called "Sitters".

Have not read every post however in my opinion i wouldn't leave them there. Can you not get someone to look after them at home? That way they go to sleep in there own bed. If it means she doesn't see them then she clearly doesn't make the effort.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I obviously know the solution but I just wanted to hear your opinions as I'm always made to feel as if I'm overreacting. TBH I'm really angry with myself for letting it carry on this long [angy]