Has anyone managed to overcome being quiet/shy

[Sunflower6]

Hi I am a quiet person and would love to overcome this has anyone found any self help books etc that have helped them overcome being quiet/shy. People comment on me being quiet and it makes me feel very self conscious of it and gets me down.

I am trying on line dating at the moment and being quiet has caused issues.

I was painfully shy as a child. Having a dd with special needs has helped a lot! Plus i think as you get older you get bolder, having said that i am still fairly shy and definitely an introvert.

The world would be a godawful place if everyone was loud.

I think embrace who you are. Recognise your own strengths, you will find someone compatible should you want to.

If you’re lacking confidence then do things for you, things you enjoy, don’t try and be someone you’re not.

Yes. That happened to me a lot. But then I got a job that required me to talk to people and introduce them to others. Because I was being paid to be a Chatty Cathy in a corporate office environment at work, I was able to develop those skills and use them outside of work.

I do see this as a social skill. And because it is a skill set, it is something I can learn and perform.

Still prefer to be on my own with a good book though.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. On your online dating profile you should emphasise that you're a good listener; most people prefer talking over listening so it'll be a selling point

Yes - until my mid-late twenties I was painfully shy. Never been especially quiet once comfortable with people, but used to be practically silent at work or social situations where I didn’t know people well. Things that changed it:

Doing things way outside my comfort zone - expeditions, travelling alone - and surviving.

Getting a job where I had to speak in public and run meetings. Again I used to almost sh** myself in fear, but every time I did it it got easier.

Getting older & having kids - having to speak up for other people makes you braver.

Those skills are ones you can use elsewhere, like a pp said. I am still gobby with close friends, and still fairly introverted. But I can turn on the public face and talk to anyone & it really no longer bothers me. Which when I remember what I used to be like seems amazing to me.

If you are quiet & comfortable with being quiet - don’t fight that, just be yourself. I wasn’t happy being so shy & knew I wasn’t really especially quiet, just too scared to speak. There’s a massive difference I think.

Read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain. I can't recommend it highly enough. It's not self help but it'll make you realise you're bloody fantastic as you are.

I agree with everyone - there's nothing wrong with being quiet or something you need to "get over".

You don't say why it's causing problems with online dating, but if it's slightly awkward pauses in conversation, well, that's par for the course anytime you meet someone new. Just have a few general conversation starters up your sleeve; like recent telly, or holidays or hopefully more original than that! Good luck. You sound lovely

Thank you all for your kind replies. It's causing me problems with online dating because I've been seeing a guy who is more outgoing than me and he is finding my quietness an issue 😕.

Yes me..I was very shy when younger but with time, having children.. different jobs etc I just changed. I would say time is the only thing that helps. As you get older you just stop caring as much what other people think of you!

I faked it until it became more of a habit.
I thought of certain ways i could make a difference and worked on just that and then built up. (example saying good morning to people at work rather than just quickly getting silently to my desk. or not avoiding going to the kitchen because other people were in there)

I managed to get a customer facing role and a few months after I started I was told one of the interviewers didn't want to employ me as she thought I was too quiet.
I found that my job forced me to come out of my shell a bit. I had to deal with sometimes quite angry customers and learn to stand up for myself. Also the sales targets at the job were ridiculous and the managers had the tendency to make rules up as they went along to get the job done, I eventually tired of this and again learnt to stand up for myself.
I'm still not outgoing and I'm very aware I come off as being rude sometimes as I'm too shy to start conversations with people I don't know. My husband is the chatty one so I just send him in to start the conversation and I'll join in when I feel comfortable.

He's not the guy for you then

I used to be shy and quiet as a young girl. The more I got walked over and overlooked I became more assertive and outspoken. I used to get annoyed at some of the louder people who would “overlook” me because I was quiet and this gave me the fire in my belly to speak up.
I am much older now, have a family, job, brought a house etc and have had to speak up in order to achieve. I work in a challenging area and have to argue my case all the time. This means I always fight my corner lol.
Life experiences might change you as time goes on.

I don't think you can change dramatically if you're a natural introvert but this thread is testament to the fact that you can change your response to certain situations even if you're essentially faking it.

In what way does your quietness impact your bf? Lack of conversation when you're together, being reluctant to socialise with other people, withdrawn at social events?

I really think it would be quite stressful to sustain long term, you'd be better finding someone who feels the same or at least appreciates this as a quality.

Hi op

I am both an introvert and shy. For me what I found helped was understanding that these are different things. Being an introvert is kind of built in, you can't turn yourself into an extrovert but if you do read what it means it helps to understand yourself better and know why you feel certain ways. That it's not weird.
If you are shy as well, I see this as something that can be changed, or at least improved. Personally it's taken time. I'm still shy but nowhere near as much as I was. It's about realising that you are just as important as others, you're allowed to speak take up space, have opinions. And pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little helps. I also found that this blog really spoke to me. www.joannajameslynn.com/twisted-sleeve/

If someone you’ve just started dating is moaning at you, he’s not the one. Ditch!

i was super shy too. but that’s an inner block and you should figure out on your own why do you have it. i couldn’t talk to strangers, especially when was a kid, and i didn’t do anything special, it’s just passed after i started working and changed few jobs, moved to different city, different country, was traveling on my own. so here it’s about getting out of your comfort zone and the most important to overthink about why do you feel shy.

About being quiet, maybe you are quiet because you feel shy. Then it will pass. If you are quiet because you are introvert - there is nothing wrong with that, it is what it is and it’s absolutely fine.

With that boyfriend you probably should finish. If he needs different type of person then you can’t do anything about that. I still remember from my “shy times” the first date with my first serious boyfriend - i was quiet whole time, he was talking all evening and i was just answering “yes”, “ok”, “normal” and so on. I’m wondering now how did that happen that he asked me out again)) But he did and we were dating 4 years (communication of course improved))). So you just need the right guy and everything will be ok;)

As a child and all through my school life up until 18 I was so shy and quiet. But ever since starting work and doing things that scare me more. I’ve become more confident and can talk with so many people that I wouldnt of done in the past. I am now high up in my job and company I work for and would never have imagined I would get this far.
Do more things that scare you and get out there

Yes! I was so shy as a child that I was mute at school. I suffered from anxiety all my life so that didn’t help. It’s only in the past couple of years that I’ve suddenly become more outgoing. Still have some situations that bring out all my old anxieties but generally speaking I’m just more confident in myself.

Unfortunately I’m not really sure what happened so I don’t have any advice there. I quit my job to study which was terrifying but really boosted my confidence. And I also think turning 30 helped too- I found I was much more certain of who I was when I was out of my insecure 20s.

I’m sorry that none of that is very useful but maybe it will give you some hope that things can change. I agree with PPs though- being quiet isn’t a bad thing so don’t feel like you have to change. It’s more finding strategies to cope with the situations that require you to be a bit more forthcoming.

I think it depends what he's saying what advice would help.

Is he saying you are too quiet on dates or that conversation isn't natural, or you don't ask enough about him or that you don't want to do the same activities?

Some of this is changeable, but some is just how you prefer to be and it will be very stressful for you to be different long-term.

Small adjustments are possible, but personality transplants are not, perhaps he just is not that into you (sorry).