Why do people cheat?

[Nightinshiningllama]

I’ve posted before about discovering that my husband had visited a prostitute (have since name changed). He’s currently OS on work and I’ve seen an email on what I thought was his rarely used Hotmail address from a girl saying how great it was to meet up again, and providing her bank account details. Obviously I’m shattered. I thought we had worked through the issue that he said lead to him visiting the prostitute. I thought we were doing really well. Together for married for almost 20 years. Why? Why do people cheat like this? Is it a mid life crisis? What would lead him to throw away our family life and put me and our three children in this position? He gets home tomorrow and then we’re supposed to be going away on a much needed holiday (school holidays where I live). It’s all the kids and I have been able to talk about the whole time DH has been away. Why would he do this???

OP I'm so sorry to hear that. You deserve so so much better.

I don't know why someone would cheat but I'd observe that he puts his pleasure before being honest with his life partner.

The whole 'we worked through the issue that he said caused him to cheat last time'. That was clever of him. His cheating became your fault too. I don't buy that. He cheated because he wanted to cheat.

So sorry OP.

Thanks Wine. I just don’t get why he would do it once, let alone twice (and probably more). If you’re not happy, man up and say you’re not happy. Don’t cheat. Or, if you think about it and decide you don’t want to lose the family life you’ve got, then don’t cheat. Don’t know how I’m going to get my head right before he gets back so I can work out what to do

In answer to your question, people cheat because they want to experience someone new and think that they can get away with it.

I've cheated in the past. Combination of a few things. Internalized misogyny, thinking that if a man liked me, that was everything to me. (I was young!)
And zero sex life but felt trapped in the relationship.
ExP never found out.

I have two friends that when they are away on business occasionally "treat" themselves to a escort. Why? .....Its misogyny, male entitlement, excitement, ego boosting (50 year old man with a 25 - 30 year old woman) and relatively risk free.

It does not reflect on the state of their marriage, rather it reflects the state of their mind. Both would be horrified if they got caught and it impacted their marriage.

I’m so, so sorry nightinshiningllama. I have been in the exact same position as you (identical really) but now happily divorced.

They just cheat, as the pp said, they put their own needs above anything. They are utterly self centred. In my heart I don’t believe a person like that will ever change.

None of this is your fault. They like to blame everyone else as they cannot face up to their narcissistic selves. I was told I had driven him to seeing a prostitute... They can’t face the truth. It’s all smoke and mirrors and gas lighting.

Could you go on your holiday with just your DC and leave him at home? To give you chance to think and breathe?

Just to add the utter peace I feel now I’m divorced and away from that nonsense is immense. They mess with your head badly

I think they're good at compartmentalising and think no one will get hurt because no one will ever know.

So, in their opinion, zero risk to family life and they get to have exciting sex with a new person, feel special, feel young again, escape the daily grind.

I'm sorry you're going through this op.

It's monumental selfishness.

I've never bought in to the idea that a happy marriage is somehow affair-proof. People cheat because they can, and because they put their individual pleasure above the happiness of the family/couple.

My husband cheated on me. The ‘older’ generation (my parents, his parents) blames our relationship and me (as well as him), but that something was ‘wrong’. Actually what therapy showed us (his individual, my individual and couples) was that the problem was his. His ego, his low self esteem and his inability to see things further than the end of his own nose.

OP it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry he has done this to you and your family. I don’t know what to say, as I can’t make it better for you.