For women who do not find it easy to form relationships with men

[prettyblue]

Don't really know where to put this so please let me know if it would be better off in a different topic.

Anyway, I'm just wondering how some women seem to find it so easy to go from one relationship to the other, always have a stream of interest from men, get chatted up, asked out etc. This literally never happens to me. Obviously it has happened to me in the past - have had a LTR and kids - but am single again now and I can't imagine being in a new relationship. Doesn't help that I don't meet many men to start with (line of work is female dominated) but even if I do, there just isn't any interest there from either party and I am questioning why.

What is it about people who attract others easily? Are we fundamentally different? Am I just boring? Frumpy? Unattractive? Or am I not giving off the ask me out vibes? I can't help it if I just don't find many people attractive, or can I? How do I widen my chances of finding someone I like and who likes me (please don't say OLD!).

For a long time I've thought I've been single because of the way my life is at the moment: I have young kids, don't meet many men anyway, and don't have much time for socialising. However I have met other women in a similar boat to me who have new partners since splitting with their ex, even with kids and even with a busy life. I don't understand how it happens for them and not me.

Anyway this isn't a thread about me wanting to find a significant other - I am just curious to know how some people find it so easy, and often seemingly effortless.

I think there is an assumption though that if you are single for a long time, you need to love yourself. I have a v healthy self esteem, i am happy al9ne, have lots of interests, have some v good friends, enjoy people... im not unattractive. I am clean sane employed content.
There are lots of women in these shoes though and weighing things up and still feeling that it would be preferable to meet somebody special does not mean you you need to love yrslf more! This is always how it is interpreted on mumsnet though.. and elsewhere. It is an interesting phenomenon.

Sometimes I think it would be more effective to work on your location and availability than your personality if you want to meet men. Easier said than done once you're out of full time edcation since most jobs don't allow for easy mingling and the kind of suburbs where most of us live are pretty much social deserts, because we sleep there but are away from home all day.

Whoever said meeting the opposite sex is a numbers game had it only a third right. It's numbers, time and location, and they all have to come together. It's a wonder the human race hasn't died out.

Absolutely right about loving yourself first. Everyone is worthy of or deserves love but without confidence or self esteem you will be a black hole for love picking men to try and fill the emptiness inside. I've done that one too many times

Loving yourself is usually the first and biggest step. That’s why it’s a ‘phenomenon’. It’s the reason women end up in terrible relationships and women can protect themselves by developing good self esteem

So if you have the self esteem part down then the next part is like a PP said - location and visibility. To meet people you need to be ready, open to it, near other people etc. Women also have a tendency to ignore men who don’t fit their ideal, and then feel like no one is interested in them - there is, it’s just that probably the strict criteria is limiting your opportunities to meet someone who could make you happy

If all of this is in place and you still don’t meet someone I would probably suggest that either your OLD profile could be improved or you need to physically go to more places to possibly meet someone (bars, joining clubs etc) and take some risks, make a lot of eye contact and talk to men IRL.

Usually meeting someone involves a degree of risk taking, either dating someone you usually wouldn’t, being bolder than you might usually be, stepping out of your comfort zone, changing your criteria.

There are women I am sure who do not have to lift a finger to find a man as there is a queue drooling outside the door but for the rest of us there is a degree of work involved be it self esteem, our looks, cosmetic things, the way we dress, where we socialise etc etc

I read your post and started thinking of friends who get attention and no attention. My friend who gets a lot, tends to get the wrong kind as she is sexy and free and happy in herself so men just see fun with her. My friends who get less attention are quite fussy and expect a prince charming and I think that comes across in their general vibe. I genuinely think it's about attitude. I go out dressed comfortably, feeling sexy underneath, and I do get attention.

I have a gay Male friend who is always single. He can’t understand it and is resentful about it. I didn’t understand it until I sat with him doing OLD. He will not talk to anyone unless they are tall young hot and have a 6 pack. His fussy ideals are what make him lonely. He isn’t giving the shorter older guys the time of day. I have female friends who are the same

Reading back to the original OP:

The women you mention who are also single parents but found men were very likely looking. They were using OLD I imagine. They were putting out ‘ask me out’ vibes. You do not want to do OLD, so this is narrowing your opportunities for social interaction with men. Essentially you do need to have a vibe, make eye contact and really notice all the men around you. There is a whole thread on here right now of women who fell for men they initially didn’t fancy. So you aren’t just going to bump into someone in Tescos and fireworks will go off. It takes a degree of planning and engineering and opportunity

@Jungmum

I go on a pof date occasionally but i havent time to date an endless string of men when it never goes anywhere.

You don’t want to hear it but that is exactly what other women are doing and why they are getting dates. Spending their time swiping and messaging and going on some crap dates with a string of men. Getting rejected and let down and all of the risks involved. If you don’t have the time then it’s far less likely to happen for you

@pookiedo, ive been on 40 plus dates. I rarely meet a gamer soul in real life! I know they're out there but not trying hard eno7gh is not a stick i beat myself with

His fussy ideals are what make him lonely. He isn’t giving the shorter older guys the time of day. I have female friends who are the same.

Yes pookie, I think you're right. My DSis was single FOREVER, because she had a shopping list of attributes that any man had to have. He had to be tall, dark, handsome, slim build, well educated, good job, nice manners, good hair and teeth, charming and confident, bla bla bla. And guess what? She never met anyone and if some brave guy did go and chat her up she'd be unfriendly, because 'he wasn't her type'.

She was single until she was 40, when she became good mates with a bloke from work. He is absolutely nothing like her perfect man list, so she only thought of him as a mate for six months and then, gradually, it became something else. But it was only by being friends with him first that she finally saw a bloke who wasn't her idea of perfect as being someone she could possibly be with. If he'd chatted her up in a pub she'd have given him the brush-off, yet they're really good together.

Ps @pookiedo the last man i dated was not tall, not attractive... but i gave it a chance because i realised that ok 'settling' was thing i hadnt tried b3fore. I realised the pressure on women not to be picky. I thought give it a go, maybe he will value me so much that ill love being precious to him. Well nope. Tried that. Nope. If you settle u get even less than you settled for, so dont go down that route even if its assumed the reason ur single is because ur too "picky".

It is not picky to want somebody as attractive and as healthy and as interested and as interesting as u are yourself - somebody who adds to your life. Compliments your personality.
Since that settling panto ended 2 years ago i just get on with life. I started a philosophy class the other day, all women!! apart from the tutor and he was most attentive to the youngest and most attractive of 5he group. Shocker!
Im happy atm but im not happy with the inferences that all singles are doing it wrong and it must be their fault.

Uncomfortable idea though this may be, you can be warm, friendly, solvent, employed, fulfilled, brave enough to meet new people and try new things but still go a decade without meeting a single compatible person who will commit respectfully to you. Walked away from a few chancers who dint want to put a label ob it etc
This truth is very hard for some people to sit with tho.
Because it means their relationship might just be luck.
But sit with it for a while...

I’m not beating you with it either - I’m pointing out whenever you have a counter argument as to why all of us don’t understand, that we are not privy to some magical secret. I think it’s easy to look at another woman and think ‘why does she find it so easy’ I am sure in reality that most women do not find it as easy now they aren’t 23, nubile and child free. I could put some sexy photos up of myself OLD and make it really obvious that’s what I am looking for - anyone could. When you look around you and everyone seems to be in a couple and you aren’t, that’s not always reality either. People divorce and break up all the time. Some people are better at attracting a partner because they make it a priority and invest time into it. Maybe they aren’t as fussy.

I’ve said this to you before Jung that you are a bit contradictory - you come on these type of threads all the time being negative about your experiences or opinions that you haven’t found anyone, and disregards other people’s advice or opinions (like smiling or liking yourself) then you say you can’t be bothered to spend time going on any dates and now that you have been on 40 dates (over how long I don’t know).

If you want to find a partner then maybe you could take on other people’s advice? And if you don’t want to find one, then it makes logical sense you don’t currently have one.

You are mistaking me for somebody. Im content and positive and i name change v frequently so you wouldnt be aware of my posting style. But whenever we have these threads there's a stampede of posters racing to tell single women they are too fussy.
Anybody who saw my last bf knows that certainly isnt true.
Also im not accepting that single is worse than looking continually. So i know how to look and take a break.
I have a life. I dont fear my future.
Single women are fair game to be held under scrutiny on these threads.

@JungMum

I am going to go out on a limb here that I think you might be looking at things from the wrong angle. No one is saying ‘settle for a man you don’t fancy’. No one would say that. But they are saying go on lots of dates, make connections, take risks and explore if they grow. You might need 4 dates to make a decision. You might need 3 months. If you have been on 40 dates and you did not want to see a single one of them twice, then what are you talking to them about? Why do they interest you at first and then you shut down after meeting? Out of 40 men not one single one of them had any potential? You have a shopping list. I can see it in your post!

My sister never has successful relationships. I can't tell her why she will bite my head off, but I wonder if men sometimes don't like bossy women. I think there is a difference between confidence and being bossy/demanding. I might be wrong though.

I have seen you as you always crusade with your contraditions on these posts

If you are happy and single you wouldn’t give a crap about what other women are doing. This woman, OP wanted advice so other women gave it to her. No one is crucifying single women. If you want to be single then be single. If you want to meet someone then I am afraid they aren’t likely to fall in your lap out of the sky.

I can't tell her why she will bite my head off, but I wonder if men sometimes don't like bossy women.

I don't know about this one. Professional dominatrices seem to find plenty of clients willing to pay a lot of money. I was in my local BDSM scene for some years and there was no shortage of sub men.

The only person I know who gets asked out IRL is very friendly and chatty, very outgoing, no children and a few hobbies (male dominant although that's not why she does them!). She gets out quite a lot and quite often by herself (so is relatively approachable).

I think a few couples do meet via OLD then just don't tell people that's how they met.

I did a fair bit of OLD. If nothing else, it gets you a little desensitised to the cringe factor, more used to meeting new men and holding a conversation. I also met some really interesting people even if they weren't for me in a relationship sense.

I do sometimes wonder if fewer people make approaches in real life due to the existence of OLD though as they'd rather be rejected via computer than real life!

@pookiedo, i dont think you are listening.

That old trope "you're too fussy" is one that single women are beaten with continually.

You have noticed I hope that Im not even complaining about being single!

Im simply offering my experience. Of course ive had second / third dates by the way. But invariably the ones who want to date me arent compatible. And the ones i believe would add something valuable to my life dont want to continue (or they want to continue but they want to date other people).

I have wondered about the lack of over lap in the two groups. Group 1 being people id like to date and group 2 people who'd like to date me.

I have over the last ten years dated a man 10 years older, a man 10 years younger, men who excited me intellectually, men whose number one attraction for me was their kindness.

Ive read books about attachment styles, self esteem, psychology, philosophy. I know im capable of a relationship.

I find it so boring when women who are presumably in relationships come on to these threads for those ofvus who have been single a l9ng time and just say 'smile more' and dont be choosy.

I think pookiedo that you'd lkke to believe that there exists a formula that one can apply to singledom which results in coupledom.

I take a more philosophical stance.
It might happen tomorrow. I am open to it. I have no boundaries except healthy ones.

Please try to think a little more carefully before rac8ng to advise long term single women to smile more and be less choosy.

There are no guarantees and the real success in my book is to be at peace with that.

I will level with you on the fussy thing. Being too fussy is a turn off for anyone. It also can easily place all the blame onto the opposite sex ‘I mean I am great I have everything so it’s not me who needs to change anything’ because we all have elements that aren’t perfect and could change

Men and women should not be too fussy, this isn’t a concept designed to keep women with creepy disgusting men. This isn’t to be confused with respecting themselves or taking care of their needs. Single women certainly should protect themselves, their kids and their finances.

Being less fussy is being open to new experiences and people. Men and women who have very narrow ideas of an ideal person don’t make the best partners (even though they believe they do). Humans change as they age and the person you meet now may not be the same in 5 years. If you can’t see through superficial or transient things or are really easily turned off then a normal relationship is gonna challenge you. You kind of need to desensitise yourself to some things to learn to live with them. It almost could read that you think so much of yourself no one is good enough for you, except this perfect ideal man. Whereas the rest of us ARE prepared to compromise on some things, not out of any kind of desperation but because we are realistic

Sigh. I dont know why you think i cant compromise. I can. I have. Every short relationship ive ever had has been a compromise. I probably will again.

But it has to be worth it.

Worth it for the men too. Ive had the no thanks speech and i respect that.

Funny how despite everything ive said to you, you are still convinnced the problem is im too fussy.

If there was one thing, one thing that i believed would improve my chances of being chosen by a man who would add to my life it'd be to have no kids.

But i feel that having had kids was a part of my l8fe i got right. Im grateful. Ive met a good few men al9ng the way who are staring down the barrel of 50 with no kids and looking for a younger woman ideally. So i am grateful to have kids but no relationship rather than to be chosen for being free rather than chosen for being me.
Right. Gotta go.
Work.

Namaste pookiedo

There is no formula and I don’t believe in luck or fate or anything else from a lot of philosophical books.

You don’t accidentally get lucky in your GCSE’s or job interviews. You worked for them.

No what it is is that you judge women who you view as having lower standards than what you have.

So when I mentioned easily finding a ONS you rolled your eyes. When someone else said be smiley you thought it was a stupid thing to say. When people told others to love themselves you don’t think it’s relevant or applicable to you. When people are told to be more open minded you interpret that as lowering your standards.

Any advice given to women about how to attract a partner may not apply to you. Well done. But it might apply to another woman who does want to. If people don’t want to be single then there is nothing wrong with them

It mystifies me how easy it is for some women

You also said this ^
It’s not a mystery. They are either naturally or surgically incredibly attractive or actively choosing to put out the obvious message that they want a partner

The thread you want to post on has the title ’is it possible to meet someone without making any effort to and just living my normal happy fulfilled life’ and the answer is YES it’s not impossible, but all the other women are making the effort because they choose to and that’s the advice given to OP as how all the other women are getting Male attention