Hi all, I’m feeling very anxious about my relationship and have no-one I can talk to about this. I met my partner 3 years ago after a long period of giving up on love & accepting the single status. I was very nervous about making myself vulnerable again/falling in love as have been badly hurt in the past. However, he was determined to win my heart and invested fully in me. I waited 6 months before introducing him to my son in which time we just saw each other at weekends and once mid week while my son was at his dads. He smothered me in gifts, made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, treated me more beautifully than I have ever been treated. I Believe he truly loved me and I certainly felt loved in the fullest sense.
However, financially, things have been tough for the full duration of our relationship. I have until recently been the bread winner since he moved in as he had to put all of his money into his business (he is self-employed and extremely hard working). He is now bringing in £900.00 /month and contributing to the house hold bills. I believe the main source of our problems is alcohol. He would always arrive (when dating) with a couple of bottles of wine and we would stay up late into the night chatting and having a wonderful time. But I believe this has led to us both drinking too frequently and we are both struggling to get a grip. We never touch wine until late at night and both gym most nights until 9pm.
In the meantime, I fear alcohol has completely changed him. The man I am with now hardly resembles the one I fell in love with 3 years ago (I still love him very much). I know that honey moon periods are just that but to give an example of recent behaviour, I am due in for brain surgery tomorrow and for this last week leading up to it have had to deal with almost constant shouting (my son is with his dad he never shouts when he is in the house). He stays up late (normally between 1&2 every night and I know this is to continue drinking. Is not interested at all in coming to been with me which is naturally affecting intimacy. When he stays up, he spends his time watching very dark films, playing dark games, listening to very dark rap music. He has become angry, irritable and aggressive to an extent I feel I am treading on egg shells. The worst part is, he does not feel any remorse after. If I text him after an awful episode, I try to keep it constructive and let him know how it makes me feel, and he doesn’t bother to reply. I don’t think he bothers to read my texts half the time. He expects me to sweep bad events/incidents under the carpet and get some very angry if I become subdued (which I struggle not to in un-resolved situations. The thing that’s really messing with my head, is he is blaming me for all of his anger and aggression. I support him, do all of the housework (whilst holding down 3 jobs working more than full time), do all of his Washing, pay for all of the groceries, support him enotionally, massage him when he’s sore at the end of days, I really love him so much. So don’t feel I deserve this. But I don’t feel at all loved for or emotionally supported at all any more.
Now of all times I feel I need him the most and he has been so wrapped up in himself and very quick to emotionally put me down. He’s simply not there for me. He has taken a day off work tomorrow to take me in to hospital and has generously offered to help a lot with school runs the next couple of weeks. The trouble is, that is how he justify’s his lack of care/emotional support.
I guess I just am panicking about where this relationship is heading as I so want it to work but know I am being treated terribly at times and honestly in my heart of hearts sense it is border line abuse at times. He is very depressed and won’t seek help. I think he is feeding his depression though (stopped gym recently, drinking more and more, not sleeping enough, feeding his mind with dark dark dark...). Any insight would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks