The title really, I found a couple of days long chat between DP and a woman (girl really - barely 17) ten years younger than me on the family pc. Started off as a ‘friendly chat’ and gradually descended into filth.
The week before I found out DP was coming into me a lot more, usually it’s me with the higher sex drive but he wanted it all the time that week.
I asked him to leave when I found out. But after a week or so I agreed to let him come back. He swore that he’d change or seek help for the things about himself that had led to this happening, the drinking, the boredom, the depression. And to be honest I was in shock and was worrying about how sad the dc seemed, how alone I suddenly was etc.
It’s been around two months now, and after a period of hysterical bonding we’ve generally been rubbing along ok.
Then the drinking started to creep up to stupid levels again (as in he’ll get so drunk and stay up so late, he is unable to look after the dc or stay awake on the sofa if I ask him to watch them for a few minutes) he started staying at the computer until the early hours, he hasn’t sought any help or done anything he promised to do.
And on top of that I am experiencing an intense feeling of rage whenever I think about it, and I’m trying not to. I go from wanting him and being happy to hating him and wanting him gone in about two seconds flat.
I hate that he was became the sort of man I despise (or perhaps was all along).
That he’d take advantage of a young girl, as you can see how inexperienced and sort of ‘bowled over’ this poor teenager was. He was sex chatting with her but she didn’t seem to know what she was doing. It creeps me the fuck out. He’s 43 ffs.
That he essentially used me as a, forgive the term but it’s how I’ve been thinking, as a wank aid that week. He wasn’t turned on by me, but by his chats with her. It’s left me feeling used.
And on top of that, today he has been going in and in about getting married.
Not. A. Fucking. Chance.
While I didn’t put it like that, I did say that I may have been ready before (we were planning a wedding) but at this moment in time I don’t even want to think about it, it’s off the table until I am 100% sure of him.
He’s very angry, which on one hand makes me cross, and in the other slightly amused. He’s the one who did this but he’s now mad at me for not being completely over it in two months.
So he hasn’t fulfilled any of the promises that got him back in the door, I’m starting to wonder if I’m just clinging on to him for fear of being alone, and this is just one big fuck up of a relationship isn’t it?