Helplessly hoping for some advice

[noshoessus]

Hi all. I'm reaching out because I have found myself in the most hopeless situation and I am not sure what to do to move forward.

I met a man, I'll call him Tom, in 2012. We had a bit of a whirlwind love affair together lots and lots of partying, we were young and free and it was great. Then, within two months, I fell pregnant. Since then, life with Tom has been a bit of a battle. What I thought was just fun, carefree behaviour turned out to actually be a heavy cocaine and weed addiction. We fought through it together, leaving the area we stayed so that he would have a better chance of stopping.

He messed up a bit here and there but on the whole he worked hard to change, I really wanted to fight for this family and we ended up having another baby because we both wanted two kids.

We're now 7 years down the line and I am still fighting the same battle with him. Hes not a bad person and he's a great dad to the kids but he's useless with money, I know that he secretly takes cocaine at the weekends again, he drinks and smokes every night and he lies constantly, there is no trust. I have given up trying but it is so complicated to kick him out because he is not from the UK and he has nobody here, he is also a very volatile, emotional and explosive character and I would worry about what he would potentially do to himself if I did. We live in a beautiful home and he has a lot to lose.

Now here is where things have become really very complicated. A friend of his, I'll call him John, has been coming to stay with us over the last few years, he is also international and hasn't set down roots anywhere, so he likes to come to us for the summer to help out here on our land. John is calm, well rounded, kind, helpful, great with the kids and basically helps me to deal with Tom and all his antics. I'm sure you can see where this is going...John has expressed that he is in love with me and although I haven't let myself consider this previously, since he expressed it, I have realised that I feel the same. There is major chemistry and he's perfect for me.

I am at a loss as to what to do, I have told Tom that I can't be in this relationship with him any more, it has been extraordinarily painful for the past month because he is a troubled soul, the addictions are all because of stuff he can't face in himself and it's very difficult for me, as an empath, to leave him high and dry, I would worry that he'll fall deeper into the hole, especially if I were to end up with his friend.

I'm looking for any advice or anybody who has experienced something similar, I just feel so helpless.

Thank you in advance...

Tom needs to know you are over. He needs to accept this and get the help he needs.

John needs to be out of the picture until you have sorted your separation.

For what it's worth, I have little sympathy for Tom. He has had seven years to sort himself out. He knew his relationship and family were at stake and he continued to betray and lie to you.

You have given him enough of your life.

Well clearly you wouldn't leave him high and dry, because you'd need to split your assets, most likely selling your home and dividing the proceeds. You will both be financially disadvantaged, but that's life post divorce.

I'd honestly put pen to paper and work out the finances. How much money would you have? Could you afford a smaller mortgage on your own. What tax credits and child maintenance would you get etc. What would Tom get?

You can't live like this, so I'd just get on with splitting up. If you think you're going to end up with John, I'd try to keep this under wraps for as long as possible.

Tom had made his choices and will have to deal with the consequences, he's an adult , he is not your responsibility. Make a clean break and give yourself time to get things sorted. Don't jump into a relationship with John until you have a clear head . If he's a decent chap , he'll wait.

Hi all, I’m feeling very anxious about my relationship and have no-one I can talk to about this. I met my partner 3 years ago after a long period of giving up on love & accepting the single status. I was very nervous about making myself vulnerable again/falling in love as have been badly hurt in the past. However, he was determined to win my heart and invested fully in me. I waited 6 months before introducing him to my son in which time we just saw each other at weekends and once mid week while my son was at his dads. He smothered me in gifts, made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, treated me more beautifully than I have ever been treated. I Believe he truly loved me and I certainly felt loved in the fullest sense.

However, financially, things have been tough for the full duration of our relationship. I have until recently been the bread winner since he moved in as he had to put all of his money into his business (he is self-employed and extremely hard working). He is now bringing in £900.00 /month and contributing to the house hold bills. I believe the main source of our problems is alcohol. He would always arrive (when dating) with a couple of bottles of wine and we would stay up late into the night chatting and having a wonderful time. But I believe this has led to us both drinking too frequently and we are both struggling to get a grip. We never touch wine until late at night and both gym most nights until 9pm.

In the meantime, I fear alcohol has completely changed him. The man I am with now hardly resembles the one I fell in love with 3 years ago (I still love him very much). I know that honey moon periods are just that but to give an example of recent behaviour, I am due in for brain surgery tomorrow and for this last week leading up to it have had to deal with almost constant shouting (my son is with his dad he never shouts when he is in the house). He stays up late (normally between 1&2 every night and I know this is to continue drinking. Is not interested at all in coming to been with me which is naturally affecting intimacy. When he stays up, he spends his time watching very dark films, playing dark games, listening to very dark rap music. He has become angry, irritable and aggressive to an extent I feel I am treading on egg shells. The worst part is, he does not feel any remorse after. If I text him after an awful episode, I try to keep it constructive and let him know how it makes me feel, and he doesn’t bother to reply. I don’t think he bothers to read my texts half the time. He expects me to sweep bad events/incidents under the carpet and get some very angry if I become subdued (which I struggle not to in un-resolved situations. The thing that’s really messing with my head, is he is blaming me for all of his anger and aggression. I support him, do all of the housework (whilst holding down 3 jobs working more than full time), do all of his Washing, pay for all of the groceries, support him enotionally, massage him when he’s sore at the end of days, I really love him so much. So don’t feel I deserve this. But I don’t feel at all loved for or emotionally supported at all any more.

Now of all times I feel I need him the most and he has been so wrapped up in himself and very quick to emotionally put me down. He’s simply not there for me. He has taken a day off work tomorrow to take me in to hospital and has generously offered to help a lot with school runs the next couple of weeks. The trouble is, that is how he justify’s his lack of care/emotional support.

I guess I just am panicking about where this relationship is heading as I so want it to work but know I am being treated terribly at times and honestly in my heart of hearts sense it is border line abuse at times. He is very depressed and won’t seek help. I think he is feeding his depression though (stopped gym recently, drinking more and more, not sleeping enough, feeding his mind with dark dark dark...). Any insight would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks

You need to start your own thread, @Harmonysg85. You'll get plenty of support if you do.

End it with Tom op, you’ve given him plenty of chances and he’s wasted them. He’ll be fine, as will you and the kids.

As far as John is concerned, I don’t believe for a second you’re in love with him. I think he’s the opposite of Tom and his declaration to you is giving you the hope of an easy way out. I think Your just flattered and clinging to a lift jacket. Don’t get involved with him, just sort out being single.

What Angelf1sh said. ⬆️