I am so traumatised I ran away from the gym (poss triggering)

[UselessTina]

I hate myself. Even the stupid bloody gym is too much for me. I had a nervous breakdown 2 years ago and I've been in therapy 1 -2 a week ever since. I have no job which I'm desperately stressed about. I still get massively overwhelmed about things. For background, I was quite severely neglected as a child. My dm was a violent narc and my df a paedo. I was beaten, starved & the rest. The level of suppression I had to create to survive is really considerable. I don't have any confidence. If I try to do things I feel like I'm being boiled alive.

Very sadly, there's no easy fix for a person like me. I've had long periods of EMDR as well as other cutting-edge trauma therapy but the progress is so slow. I hate life. I'm always so utterly afraid. I had to cut contact with my entire family but I know they watch. I wonder where are the other people like me who've made it out the other side? I never hear of any. I feel like I'm living holding my breath & people don't understand. Of course they wouldn't. There's nothing left to me but to bear it & carry on. To live with the feeling of being boiled alive.

I wasn't always like this. Years ago I was free & relatively functioning but I was totally dissociated. Trouble is, you can't hold trauma down indefinitely, sooner or later it will surface needing to be dealt with. My trauma wasn't once it was many. Not as an adult, but from birth. Not by strangers but from my own parents.

How the hell am I supposed to ever have a normal functioning life? I want to stop feeling like I'm being boiled alive.

I don't have any answers but also had a traumatic childhood, so have some idea of what you are feeling.

I think you need to keep talking, keep having the therapy, just keep on and on with it.

I wish I could think of something more helpful to say.

Not as severe as yours but I had a difficult childhood from birth and I recognise what you are saying.

Sadly, I've not found a way to overcome it and I'm just trying to live with accepting it.

It impacts on everything so it's hard.

Hey don't be so hard on yourself. I find the gym very intimating and I go on a regular basis. I also don't like the idea of doing group sessions. (And I have no reason to feel this way, I just don't like how it's so confined and full of people). Can you start smaller? Walk at the park, one on one personal training session? (Just keeping with the exercise theme). Baby steps!

I get you! You're not useless. You keep trying, you're alive, you're amazing .

You got to the gym today, tomorrow just try to walk through the door then into the loos, keep trying. For us it's like learning to walk all over again without the safety of a zimmer frame(the disassociation), one day you won't need it.

Don't let the bastards keep their hold over you any longer. Change your inner voice - practice saying nice things to yourself, sounds corny but you need to rewire yourself. Takes time.

I can get to the gym now, so good to help with feeling strong, but I'm worrying about having to sit in a school meeting for one of my DCs tomorrow. Sitting down with lots of people, 'important' people because they are my DCs friend's parents and I might do something to embarrass myself. It's shit but I have to go!

We don't move on, or get over it. We move through it. Step by step.