I am very unhappy in my marriage and I am feeling trapped. It's starting to impact on my wellbeing. This week, I've felt so stressed that I've had palpitations, difficulty sleeping and have lost weight.
There are two issues that I'm struggling to deal with: my interfering MIL and my husband's behaviour. Apologies in advance if this is a long post but it's a complex situation. I'll try and be brief and stick to the facts.
Last Monday, we had an argument, which escalated into my husband yelling and name-calling. Something in me snapped and I have started to question whether I want to remain in our relationship. A few weeks ago, my SIL asked whether our DD could stay at hers. I wasn't overjoyed because of the way his family treat me but had consented because she is a kind auntie and loves DD. For reference, my MIL lives a five minute walk away from my SIL. My SIL was due to come to our house on Friday, stay overnight and take DD on Saturday morning and we would then meet and pick her up on Sunday. Last Monday, my husband called me to say that DD was staying an extra night because his SIL was going to her friend's graduation party on Saturday (Surely something she knew about a while ago?). All of this had been arranged on WhatsApp without my consent. Essentially my SIL and MIL hatched a plan to get DD to stay for longer. I felt excluded out of making arrangements for my DD and said to my husband, that out of courtesy, they should phone me when making arrangements about DD and that these decisions should be made mutually. After all, I am the one who looks after her whilst he is at work for 5.5 days a week. He lost his temper, started yelling and swearing, accused me of being controlling and said that I was weird for wanting to speak on the phone re DD's arrangements for staying away. He said that he is DD's father and he can make arrangements independently. When DD stayed there this weekend, it transpired that she wasn't even staying with SIL. She stayed with my MIL.
In short my MIL has interfered throughout our relationship. She has my husband under the thumb and uses emotional tactics to get what she wants. He doesn't stick up for me and I have told him that I feel like his mother is like the third person in our marriage. This has worsened since having DD. I feel trapped because I feel like she is making decisions that affect my life and the way I choose to live it. I don't want to be stuck in a marriage where she dictates what I do!
The second issue is my husband's behaviour. It's bad enough that he doesn't stick up for me but he has also become increasingly nasty. Within the last 2.5 years, since being pregnant and having DD, there have been two isolated incidences of violence/threats. He had me pinned up by my wrists against the bathroom wall when I was pregnant for refusing to take the rubbish out! Last year, I was sat on the sofa reading a book. He came over and touched my boobs. I pushed him away and he said: 'If you do that again, I'll hit you really hard.' I replied: 'Excuse me?' and he repeated it: 'If you do that again, I'll hit you really hard.' He was trying to imply that I'd pushed him away really firmly and that he was justified in retaliating.
Aside from that wacky behaviour, I'm also questioning his parenting. He has no patience with DD. Last night, in front of her, he said: 'She is such hard work, I can't wait for her to go to bed.' On Friday, when she was having a tantrum and I was taking her out for the day (She acts out a lot more with him.), he told her that 'She didn't deserve to be taken to nice places with Mummy.' DD doesn't even want him to feed her/bath her etc. and constantly screams 'Mummy do it.' when he's trying to help out.
On a daily basis, I don't feel threatened etc. but I do feel like this may be a slippery slope to something much worse and want to plan my escape. It's difficult at the moment because I depend on him financially. The only thing that makes me question it all is DD. My MIL is so manipulative, I know that if we divorced, she would get him to live back at home with her and I'm terrified that she would persuade him to apply for joint residency, which would break my heart. I really don't know what to do.