Hey everyone,
thanks for reading.
I'm 6 months pregnant with my second. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy as it is likely my last due to financial reasons. I just feel so lost. I got married just over a year ago, and have a 1.5 year old. My husband and I always got along great as friends and partners. But when I was pregnant with my first he acted out a bit, took a lot of "reigning in" to stop him going out drinking and staying out late and basically wanting to socialise a lot more than me because I guess I was so tired, and also had stuff to do (organise nursery, we were selling our place and upsizing etc) and things were tough. He is a good father now, and adores our son. But recently our arguments have got so bad. It came ot a head about 4 weeks ago when he repeatedly went out 2-3 times a week for about 8 weeks (with work for most of the time, but until late and all day drinking so when he came back I then didnt sleep). I'm a finance director and work really long hours, so found his drinking and just generally not being around in the evening really tiresome, and I became resentful and lonely. I get if it was just work adn he had to entertain clients, but I feel there is something more there, he enjoys the escapism and once he starts, he cannot stop. He went away for a few days as was already planned, to his mothers, after our big row where I said I would not stay with him if he continues acting like a singe person and not considering our "team". I was so hopeful he would come back with a new plan, a determination to make things better and instead he came back from his mothers (his biggest fan!) just backing himself for his actions and blaming me for saying inexcusable things when I get upset (which is fair, I have a fierce temper at the moment - bad enough when I am not pregnant - and I say things I dont mean when trying to get him to listen to me).
Since then, we have had a holiday and we have had many nice moments, when it seems crazy that the "D" word was even floated around. But then a few days later, there is a big argument or disagreement, and I just think: WHAT AM I DOING BRINGING SOMETHING ELSE INTO THIS WORLD, IN 10 WEEKS TIME.
This weekend was so tough, and I have just come to work and can't work I feel sick and anxious and confused. I want to just relax and enjoy this marriage, but I cant help but feel its just not going to improve. If I ask him to do things, he goes mute and does the "chores" with a sullen look on his face like the world is ending. On Saturday we had a frank discussion about money and how we can try and maybe move abroad to save more on tax and he just point blank refuses as he says he would never leave his friends. He has zero ambition and I feel I cant keep working 17 hour days with 2 children if I am expected to also do all housework, shopping, finance management etc. He said he thinks he is depressed and then admitted he feels happier at work than at home. Sometimes I feel that (subconsciously) he says he is depressed when he is asked to do things, perhaps it is the pressure. The same happened yesterday when he sprung on me on Saturday evening that his mother was coming over on Sunday, when we had plans to start making the nursery for the new baby and to interview some babysitters and a cleaner and write up some chore lists. It made me upset as I feel I always have to be the one saying no, and I wish that he would just see himself what is possible and what makes things difficult when we have so much to do, and next weekend we are out friday and saturday evening and saturday all day, every event with his friends (and no doubt late and boozy nights). We had a giant row and he says he feels like he cannot be himself anymore. And maybe this is my fault, maybe i have married someone and I have change d- i no longer go for drinks or late nights (even when not pregnant - because of my son and wanting to give my son my best self during the weekend) and I guess I thought we would be matching each others pace through life, teaming up on having children and seeing friends more in the day than the evening.
He never organises to see people either- just follows others invitations so invariably its on their terms, where they live and the sort of night they are up for. We moved to a new area, but he says he isnt interested in meeting local friends as he has his friends arleady (school friends, who live about 45-60 mins away on public transport, all of them with a load more money than us and wives that dont work and childcare on tap, so they are out pretty much 2-3 times a week).
I am sorry, this is turning into a rant. I know I have a part to play here - I can see I have changed my priorities. I am embarased to admit that I fantasise about hvaing married someone else. Someone with ambition and able to support me more emotionally and financially. Someone interested in OUR life, not waiting for the invitations into other peoples lives. Should I leave him? I feel disingenuous thinking these things, wondering if maybe i stay until the kids are 4/5 years and then I can look after my own needs. I would HATE to split up the family for my son, he would be devastated. But when is it a good time? I just turned 35 and I worry my life is passing me by and I find myself dreaming of starting again at 40 and meeting someone - but who would take on a woman with 2 kids anyway? Please help. We have tried marriage counseling, and its near impossible with (1) childcare issues and costs (2) work commitments, and my husband being out so often, he cannot commit to the same day every week and the therapists wanted us to pay in advance, it became unworkable.
xx