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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you leave over this?

34 replies

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 16/09/2018 21:24

DH likes a drink, I've known this since we met and it wasn't an issue as I liked a drink myself. We've been together 11 years and have DS who is 14 (he has been legally adopted by DH)
DH has more trouble coping with alcohol now than he used to. He's never violent but can be very hurtful and picks fights over inconsequential things. He rarely remembers what he's said the next day, and if confronted will either be embarrassed and apologise or will maintain that "he didn't mean it" and that I "blow things out of all proportion"
Recently I've noticed that he is showing some early signs of liver damage. I've bought this up and asked him to consider cutting down. He firmly believes that his drinking is under control, there isn't an issue and this is all a ploy of mine to "stop him ever touching a drop ever again"
Tonight the situation has arisen again and he has told me that he would have to consider whether he either cuts down his intake or we split up. I'm devastated.
Tomorrow he will minimise it, say he didn't mean it, tell me I've forced him into it or whatever. The last thing I want to do is to split up, but I think that is my cue that continuing drinking is more important to him than DS and I.
OTOH I'm aware that if I don't take the initiative I will ultimately be making him choose anyway.
He will choose to stay together but things will either not change so we're back to square one, or he will make an effort but will resent being "forced" into it.
I'm heartbroken and have no idea what to do for the best.
Any advice would be very gratefully received

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 17/09/2018 13:03

Another point. If he DOES decide to stop altogether, he needs it medically managed. The sudden withdrawal of alcohol can result in DTs which can be very dangerous. He must visit the GP.

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 17/09/2018 13:33

I think at the least I would expect him to visit our GP and they can decide from there.
In case I've given the wrong impression, DH has a drink every day, yet had no issue with a couple of days off when we were in charge of a strictly no alcohol event. I've never found him slumped in a pool of his own vomit or anything like that.
Every day may be one bottle of beer in the evening, or may be four pints in the pub. Any more than that and he would probably keel over now.
For me it's not so much the volume he drinks (I feel that is his own choice and would be really annoyed if he tried to police the amount of time I went to the gym for example) but the way that it now affects him. I'm scared for his health and the effect his outbursts are having on DS and I.
He has admitted in the past that he could have a problem with alcohol unless he kept on top of it. He's very proud and conscious of "what people will think" so has always kept himself in check. It's more now his diminishing tolerance that is causing the issues rather than an upturn in his consumption.

OP posts:
youaremyrain · 17/09/2018 14:48

My exH was a heavy drinker/alcoholic and he was very concerned about what people thought too. If you go to al anon you will find lots of similar characteristics between alcoholics and behaviour patterns that make sense. (A good book to read is "women who love too much")

I very much doubt that he went alcohol free for the whole event. It sounds like he was hiding drink somewhere. He will be very good at being discreet because he's an addict and he feels like his life depends on it, he will be constantly thinking about alcohol.

This is no way to live, you cannot control his drinking until he is ready. My exH is my exH for a reason.

Ariela · 17/09/2018 15:51

This is a true story but names changed:
Many years ago, I had a boss, lets call him Simon, who drank a lot, and smoked too. He was an accountant, quite high up, in a well thought of firm, & so earned well.
He took pride in the fact he was younger than the other bosses and had achieved a high level of employment in not so many years since he graduated. Had the nice company car, a lovely house in commutersville and a really nice girlfriend, super holidays etc..
However he did like to drink, often to excess, and loved his food too. Any coprorate function he'd drink several pints and a few shorts and would be lucid and credible but it was borderline before he would make an idiot of himself, we had to manage him and keep him away from the bar or he'd just order more & more! Consequently he was very overweight, and he looked permanently ill, often quite yellow. And he snored a lot. After much insistance from his gf he booked himself via his private healthcare at a top clinic. Lovely doctor, Mr Hing, who in examining him was chatting away, asked him about his job, his lifestyle etc : 'Tell me, Simon, do you contribute to a pension?' 'Oh yes' said Simon, priding himself in having his life all sorted out....'Well I wouldn't bother contributing any more' said Mr Hing, 'you won't be needing it!'

This shocked 'Simon' into dropping the drink, and the fags, shedding half his bodyweight, joining the gym, swam for miles, and turning into a fitness freak. He also stopped snoring. Went back to visit Mr Hing and was told his life expectancy had increased considerably to being normal for his age weight and height, and that he could indeed look forward to drawing some of his hard saved pension. Up until the point of Mr Hing's pronouncement, 'Simon' did not think he had a problem with his lifestyle (we all told him he drank far too much, as did his gf, but if fell on deaf ears), he certainly didn't think it had any impact on his life, and was nothing to do with his snoring!

I think you are worried about your OH's life expectancy and the effect of him drinking to excess and ultimately loosing him to an alcohol related disease would have on you & your family.
I think your OH is more concerned about what other people would think if they knew about his alcohol 'problem' - which he doesn't see as a problem because he can (still/just) control it, and he doesn't seem worried so far about the effect the alcohol is having on his health. It might take him a while to understand where you are coming from on this, but he has to take the decision by himself to improve his lifestyle and health, and long term life aspirations, not you.

pointythings · 17/09/2018 16:58

My H was also terribly concerned with 'what people would think'. He was more concerned with people knowing he was going to end up a divorced man than he was with the fact that alcohol was killing him. Alcoholics don't have their priorities straight.

Snowymountainsalways · 17/09/2018 17:07

Depending on whether he does (or doesn't follow through) you could suggest he moves out whilst he gets himself together so this does not affect your ds? Maybe when he realises you mean it, this will push him to get help.

I agree three pints isn't alot to make someone drunk. Maybe he is using money for other things on alcohol.

What other signs can you see that he has liver damage?

I hope he acts on the wake up call and seeks help. Start with the GP. I believe they can give him medication to stop the craving.

Kennycalmit · 17/09/2018 17:10

Well done for not drinking for a while. You should be proud of yourself

He is probably jealous/angry/upset about that right now. Not that it excuses his behaviour and attitude but it’s hard to admit you have an alcohol problem and deep down he probably knows he should quit like you.

You can help yourself but you can’t help him.

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago from a lady who’s mother passed away through alcohol abuse. If you ever find yourself needing a drink it may be a good idea to read that - it’d give you an insight of how your son could end up feeling one day

Largepiecesofcrookedwood · 17/09/2018 17:27

snowy he has some yellowing to the whites of his eyes, little appetite, his memory is getting worse (it's never been amazing) he seems to suffer from a low level of depression (or perhaps it's more just a vague disinterest in the rest of the world) and of course there's the lower tolerance levels.
He's agreed to see the GP which is a major victory, but that actually has yet to happen. He's also said he will stop drinking, which is absolutely not what I asked for and which I'm wary of agreeing to in case it's used against me at a later date.
DS is out at a club tomorrow night so I'm hoping we can have a proper talk about where we go from here then.

OP posts:
pointythings · 17/09/2018 19:03

pieces he sounds very ill. My H started having these kinds of symptoms last year. It doesn't look good.

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