Emotionally Checked Out?

[spideronthemirror]

I've been dithering over whether to post on this board for a long time but finally decided I really need some perspective on OH behaviour.
We've been together 10 years and have 3 DC, not married (his choice - reluctant to commit maybe?). I always openly wanted to marry, but as the years have gone on realise this is not going to happen.
OH started drinking heavily around two years ago, often lying about his whereabouts, failing to follow through on plans or commitments made to me or the DC. He'd sometimes not come home at all, or stagger in aggressively at 3/4am. Often driving home drunk, sometimes covered in blood from fights and falling asleep in the hallway. Occassionally he'd stagger upstairs to have a go at me too before falling asleep.
His short term memory is awful now and he can't seem to recall conversations we've had 24 or 48 hours prior, it makes me wonder if he's been drinking during the day or if the alcohol is starting to affect his brain in other ways?
Everything is always my fault, I try to raise the drinking and it ends in argument. I realise this is classic deflection. When he is drunk, he says I am boring and why would he want to come home to me anyway. I've had to pull out of work commitments when he hasn't come home and I've had no childcare.
His phone never leaves his side, it's always locked. If he's sat on the sofa then he's face down on his chest or into his pocket, yet he constantly scrolls through my texts and calls.
He makes snippy remarks about our sex life leaving me feel inadequate.
He pursues his own hobbies as well as the binge drinking sessions and I'm doing everything at home alongside a 50 hour working week.
This weekend he mentions he is now joining the gym and my first thought was to meet somebody new?
I really don't want to feel like this, nor do I want to pretend to be "cool wife".
He does have positive traits - a good sense of humour, hard working, protective of the children etc but all of this is lost underneath everything else going on.
What do we think? Has he emotionally checked out? Alcoholic? With somebody new?
Some days I want him to just leave and other days I wish we could work on things and have a more normal relationship

Do try and talk to him when he's sober. This isn't your problem. It is is his, and I'm sure he realises this.
There is too much going on for you to tackle this by yourself.
All I can do is send you my thoughts and love.
You deserve better. X

I'd say he's checked out your relationship and has an alcohol problem from what you've said

You seem to see a lot of his behaviour as not so bad as it's become the norm. His behaviour is dreadful.

You deserve more than this.

My XH checked out. He also went to great lengths to try and tempt me into responding to messages I thought, with hindsight, were him. He was looking for an out in the relationship, and had signed up for online dating, but wanted it to be my fault, not his. It's not looking good OP sorry. The other party has to want to make it work, and he is behaving very badly. Have you had a conversation about this? Ultimately, my XH became someone I didn't recognise, and didn't want to be with. I am sharing this, because it sounds like there may be similarities. Sorry OP

What you say SpongeBob about not recognising your XH rings so true with me.
I do minimise his behaviours and I'm not sure why, I am not meek or mild natured, but I am scared of rocking the boat or upsetting the children.

And yes, I have tried to talk about our relationship and how his behaviour makes me feel at times when he is sober but he doesn't accept that is behaviour is unreasonable. There was one weekend we had to skip arrangements because he'd come home with a split lip and black eye yet wants to act like nothing has happened. I want to help him but I don't think he wants help

I think they may it normal over time...like the theory about being able to boil a frog without it jumping out if you heat it up slowly...horrid image, but ykwim. Also, when you have been in a relationship a long time, I think its hard to admit it has got so sh*t. I spent a long time thinking if only he understood how his behaviour was affecting me, and I kept explaining it to him, it would make a difference. Sadly, it didn't, as he just didn't care bottom line. I get what you're saying, but I didn't want my DD to think it was normal, and eventually he was turning on her too... I think that's when I'd finally had enough and got him to leave. You can have marriage counselling on your own, if you think it might help you clarify what you want to do maybe.

They MAKE it seem normal over time. Also, don't know if you are familar with sunk investment theory? Made a lot of sense to me. Hard to come to terms with though. x

So he’s an alcoholic, he physically abuses people while drunk (and who knows how many countless people he’s hurt - I mean really hurt ), he drink drives so he doesn’t give a shit about potentially killing other people...

Why would you want to be with him?

On here I normally like to give the other halves' the benefit of the doubt. But your husband sounds awful OP, and I speak as a man. Going out fighting, drinking to excess, is not normal at his age.

Thanks everybody for your input, your views are as I expected I suppose
I don't know where to go from here. If I ask anything of him like to stop drinking he'll make out as though I'm controlling and so it feels pointless but I'm even more worried he will make my life hell if we split. When he's come home drunk and we've argued before he has said he'll fight for full custody of the children and he can sometimes have a volatile nature although never directed at me in the past, he can get aggressive (as demonstrated by the fighting)

He wouldn't get full custody so let him take you to caught. Joint custody is what he'd get unless you can prove his drinking is excessive and problematic by providing evidence.
Don't waste any more of your life on this man. You'll be old before you know it and likely to regret staying with him.

*court

Well we haven't spoken since our latest arguement which he orchestrated on Sunday night. He slinks off to separate rooms for the evening and doesn't put his phone down, my gut is telling me he is messaging somebody. I wish I could get my hands on it to have a snoop but just don't know how. In any case, it feels like our relationship is dead in the water and almost 11 years of my life wasted

My exh accused me of controlling him when he was skiving off from work and spending his days drinking. He also accused me of "forcing" him to have an affair. Sounds like your DH is working from the same script. Sorry.

"Checking out" is irrelevant here, OP.
No woman with self respect would remain with a specimen like this. There is SO much more to life than waiting around for a drink driving, alcoholic abusive fuck wit like this to change his ways (which will never happen.) Of course he's messaging someone else - you'll put up with his other foul behaviour over and over again - why should this be any different? He knows he can get away with anything.
Do you really want to look in the mirror in ten years and wonder where the fuck your life went?

Goodness, that sounds like a horrible environment for you. It doesn’t sound like he cares any more and wants everything to be your fault,. That way, as others have said, he can justify his behaviour to himself by saying ‘you made me like this, you drive me to it’ whether ‘it’ is alcohol or another woman.

Sound a pretty toxic environment for you and the children.

Your life hasnt been wasted if you've got DC. Now if you wanted them but didn't have any, THEN you could say your life had been wasted.

It doesn't really matter if he's messaging someone else, does it? It sounds as though his behaviour is a nightmare anyway. Drinking, fighting and coming home covered in blood? I can't see any way he'd get residence of the DC. It might even be a good thing that he didn't marry you. You need to get rid though. All this can't be good for the DC.

Also don't understand why you even want to try, he is not interested at all in making you happy; he drinks, gets into fights, drives drunk then abuses you; sorry but it's not normal and a shit environment for your child to be brought up in, I'm afraid all the nagging in the world won't change him, you really are going to have to split, even temporary for him to wake up to what an absolute disgrace he has become.

He sounds like an alcoholic and an absolute waste of space.
Please contact Al-anon. See if you can attend a meeting in your area soon.
You'll get a lot of support from them.
Sorry, but I do think there may be someone else.
And please, lock your phone so he can't access it.
If he kicks off, tell him, you'll let him when he lets you access his.
You sound like you are a single parent already.
Can't you just get rid of him?
He sound friggin' awful!

Drinking heavily
Getting into fights
Lying about whereabouts
Not coming home
Verbally abusive
Secretive

Any one of these things would make me have serious words with my husband.
Come on! Read back your post, time to start a better life for yourself and your children