Relationships and anxiety

[AnxiousAspie]

Name change as I have a few friends here and I'm embarrassed about how I feel atm.

I'm divorced, mid 30s and am three months into my first actual relationship since my 15 year one. Three months is short but we have had to deal with a couple of things and see each other around 3 nights a week so it is happily progressing into something which could be good, but I'm tearing myself apart. I have Aspergers, but most people would not guess (I mask well) but I struggle with a lack of communication and this is literally his only downfall. He isn't great at making plans and they are often very much "can I see you tonight" and this is killing me. I need plans and organisation, and even though I've told him, it doesn't change.

When we are together he is truly wonderful, very attentive, loving, funny and geeky just like me, but I feel like it is all hot and cold, and the doubt and panic sets in. It's dragging me back to my abusive marriage, and I don't know if I should just walk away to save myself the pain. I'm getting into a state again and I'm finding it harder and harder to talk myself down.

Can anyone just give me a few words of wisdom? This man is genuinely amazing, but this little part is causing me so much difficulty, and I don't know what to do.

Pretend to be busy every time he tries to make spontaneous plans. That will train him into better habits, unless he gets as anxious about planning as you get about not planning!

He's being a bit inconsiderate, given that you've explained how his behaviour makes you feel.

Sounds like he's just using you for a shag, sorry. If he was really interested & into you the communication would be much better.

Keep telling him. I'm in a very similar situation and am straight with my partner. I need structure, spontaneity brings on full on panic attacks. If he can't cope with it then it's not right for either of you.

Look up attachment styles. You sound like you have anxious attachment (like me). Fixing it is a cross between the other person being aware and making some allowances (ie keeping in touch more regularly or reassuring when you ask for it) and learning to see things in a more realistic way.

He may also have an avoidant style - which is very push and pull. In most cases these two types don't go together we'll - but with open communication and lost some of understanding it is possible for you both to come towards a middle ground that works for you both.

My relationship with my avoidant partner is made easier by him promising to tell me if he needs time away from me and to ensure he tells me when he will be back. he reassures me often that it's not me - just that he needs time to himself. I stress about it much less if I know when he will be back and his old self again.

The aim is to develop a secure attachment with lots of trust. it is possible.

@rememberatime thank you, it feels like you hit the nail on the head with that. I know that this is mostly my issue to deal with but your description of you partner is also him to a tee.

I'll have another talk and lay it all on the table. I'm still learning all of this dating thing and the feelings have just about started to develop so it adds even more complication to my head. But if we can't get on top of this I know it won't work.