Before starting I should say (so as not to drip feed) that I have borderline personality disorder which means I can struggle with relationships. This therefore may be impacting on my understanding of the below and so I am looking for other opinions.
When I was 17 I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 2 years. This was my first relationship. He was physically and emotionally abusive and isolated me from all my friends and family.
During this relationship he used to touch me sexually whilst I was sleeping. Due to having BPD I struggle to sleep and regularly take sleeping tablets and so sleep very deeply. I started having “dreams” that he was touching me and performing oral sex on me whilst masturbating. Initially I dismissed it as dreams but then one time woke up and caught him doing it.
When I woke up I was confused and didn’t say anything. I just pretended to still be asleep until he had finished. Later that day I challenged him about it but he denied it.
Anyway the relationship continued and this continued happening until I fell pregnant and I decided that I didn’t want my child to be born into an abusive relationship and left him.
3 years later I met my now husband. He is a good man and has never been abusive. I told him about my history from very early on and he was very supportive.
Then 6 months into the relationship I wake up and he was touching me sexually. Once again i just lay there and pretended to be asleep. Then I challenged him about it later and he admitted it and said he was sorry. I thought that was the end of it but it kept happening. By this time I had given up and just accepted it is something men do.
My relationship with my husband has recently ended, for other reasons, and I am left confused. I always hated how this sexual touching made me feel kind of used but am I over reacting? Is it normal sexual contact between two adults who are in an intimate relationship?
I am now single and don’t plan on having another relationship for a long time, if at all but there are things that I am so confused about and need to put to bed. Any insight anyone can give would be great.