Abusive relative

[oldnewbie]

I have a relative on my husband's side who I cannot stand. I won't go into details (I'd be here all day!), but suffice to say she has done some pretty unforgivable things over the years.
We are pretty much no contact with her, but are close to her children who are now young adults. One of them is very low contact with her, and the youngest is no contact, and has refused to let her see his two young children. We never knew the reasons why until very recently. After a family funeral and a fair bit of alcohol it all came out. She was physically and emotionally abusive to the children. Used to regularly beat them with a riding crop. Broke the youngest's arm and fractured his skull. The scar on one of his arms is not from an accident but from where she poured a kettle of boiling water on him. This is all just the tip of a very large iceberg. We were stunned- we had no idea.
I totally respect the decision to go no contact - it has obviously been very painful.
What does concern me is our relative's job. She is a senior social worker in child protection services. It beggars belief. To my mind she should be in prison! And the safeguarding issues don't bear thinking about. Her children have chosen not to inform her work of what she has done. They have never taken this to the police, and I doubt they will. But it makes me sick to my stomach that she makes decisions about children's lives given her history. I just don't know what to do.

Is any of it written down or is it just verbal disclosures?

I completely see why you’re so upset, it sounds horrendous and for her to be in the position of power she is is actually very frightening.

Unfortunately without evidence, first hand disclosures it would be extremely difficult to act. It’s shite, and really unfair, but it’s what will be said.

Ugh. Awful, evil woman.

Just verbal disclosures. She would obviously deny everything. And it would be obvious where any information had come from.

I think you have to report this to the police to be honest and sod that she’d know who had done it. These are really serious assaults and you can’t just let it go.

Would her children be ok to disclose if you took the first step on their behalf?

That’s what concerns me, that you’d speak up and it wouldn’t go anywhere which could be awful for you and for her children.

Much as I’d love to see her lose everything and be convicted, I really do think you have to take your lead from them. Gently encourage them to disclose if you can.

Her youngest has recently started counselling, which I think may be connected to why he's now told us. He is at the beginning of a long, hard journey and there is a lot of anger there. The eldest, who wasn't as badly abused, seems more afraid and guilty. (For not having protected his brother).

Another one here saying you need to take the lead from her children.

I’m glad he’s getting counselling, I can’t even imagine the torment he’s been through.

The thought of her swanning around living the life she does is utterly sickening, she’s evil to the core.

I just think that, given her children’s horrific experiences, their welfare has to be priority. Without them she can’t face justice, but to push it on them before they’re ready could have real consequences and a negative impact on their MH.

I agree that any action should come from them. I just feel for them so much. She sickens me - she lives what looks like a perfect middle class life, but is in fact a monster.

What will you yourself now do with this knowledge of them being abused as children?.

Many abusive people do gravitate to such professions like you describe as it gives them power and control over vulnerable people. She is certainly not a fit person to be in that role.

It makes me feel incredibly protective towards them, and I also feel as if she is dead to me. I haven't really processed my feelings beyond that - it's all very raw and I've never dealt with anything like this before.

It must be horrific for you too OP, to discover just about the worst thing you can about someone in your family. Take the time you need to process it and deal with it too.

I’m glad they have your support, and that you are there for them.

oldnewbie

Would take time to process your feelings and seek help and support from outside sources for your own self. You may want to talk to some organisation like NAPAC as they also work with family and friends of abuse survivors.

To help others you also need to help your own self too.

What a vile woman. 100% this needs to be reported.

Thank you for mentioning NAPAC. I hadn't heard of them and I will contact them. It makes my skin crawl that she probably deals with organisations like this in the guise of a caring professional.