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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He got married. WTAF

46 replies

Mikethenight2good · 16/09/2018 10:49

So I have been dating / friends with benefits with a guy for about a year. Not serious, my marriage broke down, I enjoyed the occasional meetup and fun. We were acquantices for a few years before through the same social circle but nothing until the past year. We talked alot and confided in each other about stuff.

I found out through another friend he got married a few months ago....WTAF. I never realised he was serious with anyone nor that he got married. I am sure we have been together since he got married but he never ever said a thing....i feel sorry for his wife.

I feel really hurt by this. It's not that he was with someone, it's that he never told me. I would have definitely walked away. Before we hooked up he never brought anyone to social gatherings, and I thought, like me, just wanted some casual fun. I knew there were likely to be other woman in his life but to GET MARRIED???
I am going between fuming to being quite hurt....

OP posts:

Trialsmum · 16/09/2018 18:12

Of course she should care. She has a right to know what she’s getting into. The poor OP was unknowingly the other woman and if his wife had found out/ finds out she could find herself in a load of trouble through no fault of her own.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 16/09/2018 18:13

He's someone she's known for years, they have spent a lot of time together, shared personal stuff, and sometimes fucked on a casual basis.

Of course she's upset and pissed off.

As PP says, "maybe because she's not a robot" >> a sex robot even.

Are you him? That's quite a nasty post.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 16/09/2018 18:14

" no strings, no commitments ,"

You don;t think having another girlfriend >> fiance >> wife in the background counts as "no strings and no commitments"?

Do you have a downer on women who are OK with having sex outside a relationship for some reason?

NothingOnTellyAgain · 16/09/2018 18:16

You seem to think that she should be happy being the other woman.

It's a really nasty thing to say.

She is OBVIOUSLY not happy to be OW and it is bizarre that you suggest she should be.

SHE has doen nothing wrong. He has in a major way.

Do you approve of men who have affairs, men being total arseholes?
Do you dislike women who are comfy with sex outside a relationship?

Do you simply enjoy trying to upset women in internet forums when they're already upset?

Maybe the latter...

butterfly56 · 16/09/2018 18:20

Unfortunately the chances of this scumbag giving you an explanation is practically zero! So waiting or expecting an explanation...it will be an awful long wait!
Save yourself a lot of endless heartache and delete his number and don't have any more contact with him.

HereIgoagainxx · 16/09/2018 18:27

That he gets away with such horrible treatment of you, op, and his wife is so damn annoying.

I'm sure he'd love you to block him and never contact him again.

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 18:32

You've had an explanation. He's a liar.

Please stop contacting him now for his wife's sake. Otherwise you are going to knowingly be the OW.

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 18:33

Not that you've done anything wrong up to this point btw!

UnscriptedTruth · 16/09/2018 18:45

Of course you are angry. He re-classified you from FWB to OW without telling you and giving you the option to decline the reclassification.

DonkeyPlease · 16/09/2018 19:23

@Rosemary46

But I thought the point of fuck buddies was just that - no strings, no commitments , just sex .

the clue is in the name, love. You're meant to be buddies - you know - FRIENDS. Who sometimes have sex.

The op isn't a stranger or sex worker, she's meant to be friends with this guy. Friends don't get married without telling their friends. Especially if it means putting your friend into a situation she didn't consent to, like being a mistress...

Op, he's a fucking arsehole. I doubt he'll explain himself. Sadly he's likely to be the kind of man who thinks women who have sex outside of a commitment = human garbage who don't need to be consulted on matters regarding their own consent to a sexual relationship. It's revolting.

VillianInaDress · 16/09/2018 21:33

I have decided Im going to say hello to her and a few other mums that I have never spoke to tomorrow and just be nice. Don't expect anything from it but I feel a bit crap because of how worked up I've gotten myself. I'm also going to give myself a bit of time in the morning to look nice before I leave so I feel better. This woman doesn't look all made up and im with everyone on the heels and leggings, I could never do it but she makes it look good and effortless. I will feel completely feel shit if she turns out to be lovely.

Horseradishwrap · 16/09/2018 22:58

Sorry OP he's really betrayed you. FWB is meant to be a fun and no commitments arrangement for single people.

Sadly you're not the first woman I've known of being unwittingly the OW because a man decided he wouldn't get all the fun and sex if he was truthful about his relationship status.

I would cut him off.

AsleepAllDay · 17/09/2018 00:57

It's also a safeguarding issue. People usually share when they have multiple partners so that precautions and STD testing can be done. OP might've thought that by that point she was the only partner. That's not an emotional issue, it's a real one to be angry about

Sardinesandparsnips · 17/09/2018 01:35

If you were in the same social circle then how on earth did he keep it a secret he was getting married? Sounds very messy, I feel sorry for his wife.

DiegoMad0nna · 17/09/2018 01:55

But I deserve a f'ing explanation...

How do you mean? Because it seems fairly straightforward. He wanted to keep having sex with you regardless of the fact that he was in a relationship/married. He knew you wouldn't want to if you knew, so he kept it from you.

Cut off contact. He's just a cheating bastard.

Sardinesandparsnips · 17/09/2018 02:33

There's not much to explain really. It's a pity because you clearly liked him. Did you feel you were in a relationship and now feel scorned?

He's a liar, he's married and now he's avoiding you. His new wife already knows to expect your helpful message he's a liar, and as he's told her you're a fantasist and jealous to pre empt you, it's a waste of time.

Delete and find a new chap, and perhaps avoid fwb.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/09/2018 02:55

I'd send a card using old fashioned rules, so to his wife, congratulating them on their "surprise" marriage. Then delete and block on everything.

He's not he only one who can play games....

showmeahero · 17/09/2018 05:52

Did you work together OP? Or were you both in the same social circle? Find it so difficult to understand nobody including You knew he had a Fiancée

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/09/2018 14:13

Asleepallday, it's NOT a safeguarding issue because OP will have taken care of her sexual health as she said herself, she knew he probably had other women.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 17/09/2018 16:03

VillainInADress are you the OP?

You see the wife at the school gates?

Wow messy.

Original poster

Mikethenight2good · 17/09/2018 17:19

I think villianinadress has the wrong post.

I Don't know the wife, I have never met her. I just want this saga to go away and I get on with my life....thanks for the messages of support on here.

OP posts:

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