18 weeks pregnant and relationship falling apart. Please don't judge, just desperate for help and advice

[SmithBic90]

I apologise in advance, but I'll try to keep it as short and simple as I can. I've been on and off with my partner for almost 7 years. We broke up for 6 months recently, and then got back together. I was in a rebound emotionally abusive relationship for 2 months during this time. When me and my partner got back together, I found out weeks later that I was pregnant. When I told my OH, he firstly asked if I was sure it was his (due to the other relationship) now this is where I need to explain a bit. When I was with the other guy, we didn't have sex much. I was also on the contraceptive injection. I also didn't have sex with said guy at all a month before I had my last period, which was before I got back together with my OH. I know for certain that my OH is the father, and not the other guy. Fast forward a couple of months, OH comes home from a night out with his friends. He starts an argument with me saying that the other guy was out, came over to him and said "I hope it's yours, but there's a small chance it might be mine" it's not his. And I hand on heart would have mentioned right from the beginning if I thought it could be even the smallest chance his. Since then, me and my OH have been breaking apart more and more. He's lied about being excited about the baby, and that regardless of the 1% doubt, he'll provide and support me and the baby right until birth and we have the paternity test done, he got a job as he was jobless when we got back together, and since then, he's turned nasty. Not physically. He's accused me of lying about everything, not just baby related, but things I apparently did 5 or so years ago. He's accused me of lying about being on contraception, he's accused me of lying about him being the dad, he's even accused me of baby trapping him. He's told me if I don't take a paternity test, that proves to him he's not the dad. He walked out on me last night, after having been out with his friends yet again, and drove off telling me he's not coming back. He's told me if the baby is his (which he's now adamant it isn't) then he'll step up and be a dad. He hasn't supported me through any of the pregnancy. He's stropped and complained and had a go at me when we've been to the hospital appointments and scans. It feels like, since he got this temporary 3 month contract job, suddenly he's earning money and doesn't need me around anymore. He's slated me to his friends, he's slated me to everyone else who'll listen. The problem I'm having is, I'm head over heels in love with him, I don't want him to miss out on anything with regards to the baby and I want us to actually grow up and deal with this like adults. But he seems completely incapable of putting anyone as his priority and only cares about himself. It's our first child together, and I'll quite honestly admit that I'm beyond terrified of being a single parent. And that I quite frankly, have become seriously depressed. I am completely lost and broken and I don't know what to do anymore. He said he thinks we should have some time apart, but I don't know what that means? Any advice would be greatly appreciated and apologies again, it ended up longer than I thought it would!

Getting pregnant in an "on / off" relationship when you've only been back together a few months possibly wasn't the best decision, but it is what it is. I dont blame him for thinking you've trapped him - and perhaps you need to have a think about your behaviour. Why on earth did you come ofc your contraception? Was it because you "love" this guy and think having a baby with him will tie him to you more securely? You wouldnt be the first woman to think that, sadly.

You say he isnt supportive, but then he has been to hospital appointments and scans with you. Thats relatively supportive in my book. I think you need to accept that you will be bringing this baby up on your own, even if the paternity test says the baby is his. Make your plans.

I should have made it clear that I didn't come off the contraception injection. No contraceptive is 100% guaranteed, and it can't just be down to the woman to keep that protection going, the man has just as much responsibility in wrapping it up.

The pregnancy also wasn't planned. At all. I spoke to my OH and asked him if he was happy about it and wanted us to keep it. I explained that it is just as much his decision as mine. He told me there and then that he wants to keep his child, he had no doubt at all about him being the dad and he was over the moon with happiness.
Since then, he's had people putting things in his head, and has now come to the conclusion I've lied about it all. I haven't one bit. I went over and over and checked and checked dates of my last period and when I conceived and everything else, before telling him I was pregnant.

Can I ask specifically what behaviour it is I'm supposed to think about exactly? I appreciate your reply, please don't get me wrong on that, but at the end of the day, while I can appreciate that people telling him he's not the dad is going to potentially get into his head, how is an almost 30 year old man able to get away with acting like a teenager, threatening his pregnant girlfriend with financial control, and saying he won't pay a penny towards child support and I'm the one told to think about my behaviour? He has thrown tantrums at every scan and appointment, and while I've been great full he came with me to them, it's heart breaking to have to listen to someone moan and complain about having to go to them and then screaming at you in the car over every inconvenience such as someone reversing out of a parking space and almost hitting our car. He didn't have to go with me, by all means, but he said he was going to step up and be as great a partner and father as he could.

I think it's absolutely sensible, fair and the right thing to do to get a paternity test as soon as you can once the baby is born.

Which I absolutely totally have agreed to, and I've understood where he's come from. I've been nothing but understanding of his feelings. I really don't want anyone to get me wrong here, I may be 100% sure, but I understand that he isn't after he's had people doubting it and putting the doubt in his head. My issue is that he's claiming I've lied about everything to him, which I really haven't. I wasn't with the other guy for a month, be it relationship wise or sexually, before we got back together, so I haven't lied about that, I haven't lied about being on the injection, it works differently for everyone and as everyone knows, the only 100% way to guarantee not getting pregnant is to not have sex at all in the first place,not even condoms are 100% guaranteed. I also had my period before I got back with my OH. So I know from my perspective and my body that I am not pregnant with someone else's baby, but completely understand that it wasn't him who had the period, and he wasn't there checking when I did have. I'm not disputing his request to have a paternity test for his peace of mind. I really am happy to get it done when the baby is born. I have nothing to hide, I have no doubts. If that's what it takes to give him peace of mind and to cut the doubt not only of his own mind, but everyone else's, then honestly, it's perfectly reasonable and I'm more than happy with the plan to do so.

I hand on heart, would have told my OH if I even thought for a second he couldn't be the father. I've had the dates confirmed with doctors and midwives, I'm not a hussy, I don't sleep around and I always make sure to have contraception. I kept up with all my 3 monthly injection appointments, I haven't baby trapped him, he had every opportunity to tell me he didn't want us to have the baby, he had every opportunity to tell me from the beginning he wasn't happy, and he didn't believe me. He's waited 4 months to tell me about his insecurities, and instead of talking about them like an adult, he's threatened to leave me with a child on my own, without paying child support, because he doesn't want his name on the birth certificate. I'm fine with that. He doesn't have to have his name on it. That's his choice. It's also his choice to miss out on everything leading up to the birth of the child from now, it's his choice to not believe me, it's his choice to decide to not want to pay for his own child or step up and be a father to it. At the end of the day, I just wanted a bit of support or advice, because I'm honestly absolutely terrified. I have no idea what to expect, I don't even know where to begin. It came completely out of the blue for me, because until the last couple of days, even after the talk of a paternity test, I thought everything was fine, he was telling me and everyone else how happy he was and how excited he was. I told him that if he ever felt doubt or concerned or worried to just let me know and we'd find a way to sort it out. Even if it wasn't through talking to me about it, mostly I just wanted the honestly to come from him about how he felt. But he couldn't do that. Instead he's threatened me financially, he's now recently threatened me with family court action to find out if he's the father even after agreeing to take the test anyway, he's starting arguments and then laughed in my face and called me mentaly retarded, he's video recorded me and sent it to his friends laughing at me. He's constantly taking little digs at me, laughing that I'll be a single parent. It's terrifying, no one wants to be a single parent in an ideal world, I know it's not an ideal world and people have to deal with stuff they don't want to allthe time. I'm fully aware of that, I think it's more just the shock if I'm honest. I never thought he'd be the kind of person to be so mean and find everything so darn funny. I know that this kind of thing seems ridiculous. I'm sure most of everyone who's read my thread has jumped to the conclusion I've done this to myself, and he's done nothing wrong. But if that's the case, how is it okay for him to treat someone so awfully even after agreeing to a paternity test to ease his mind? And how do you as a person going through having to listen to someone belittle you, tell you horrible things just for the sole purpose of hurting you and then laughing at you crying, someone who tells you they're better then you, and deal with someone you've loved for almost 7 years turn so differently towards you. What do you do to realise that it's not good for either of you, and that actually you can do. This on your own, and you don't need to have the father there if he's so adamant he doesn't want to be even after a paternity test proves he is the father? What steps do you take to help yourself move on, accept it for what it is, and get on with life? What steps do you take to protect yourself and your baby from him going further and demanding everything he can from you through court after specifically saying he wants nothing to do with either of you at all?

First of all take a deep breath. This guy who is screaming at you over every little thing and holding you over an emotional barrel is not worth this shit he is putting you through. If I were you and I would be looking him in the eye, telling him to fuck off and I’d see him for the paternity test when the baby was born. However I do understand the fear of going it alone.

Who else is there to support you as this stress that he is putting on you is not good for you or the baby?

I agree with Karigan198. What was your relationship with him like before all of this? You say off and on, to me, this says abusive. No rational mind would stick with a relationship for 7 years that was off and on. And regardless of the confusion (in his mind) on paternity, no normal person videos their partner to show their friends, and laughs at you when you're crying.

I agree with @Karigan198 and @ItsABlusteryDay . As much as you've both been through in the past couple of years the way he is behaving towards you is utterly disgusting. Whether he believes the baby is his or not there is a 50% it is ( this is nothing on you by the way and I don't remotely think the other guy is from what you've said or deny that you know your own body etc and when you conceived etc ) it's just that realistically there are 2 men who were in your life within a period of time . I can't imagine the relationship he will of ruined with you by the time your baby arrives and if he is the dad what an absolute awful person he has been to you . I can't believe someone who has been involved in your life for 7 years is behaving like this anyway .
I think you need to look into your options of a single avenue and if he decides to step up now or when baby is here then you can take or leave this but at-least have yourself in the best possible situation .
I think your incredibly brave for reaching out and perfectly human to be scared but I think your focus should now be on you and your baby and getting you both comfortable and content and in a happy place . Anything beyond this is a bonus ! Xxx

I have a bit of a support network. Mostly more now that the OH has decided to show his true colours and his true feelings. And I'm honestly grestful I have these people close by. It's not what I wanted to happen, I didn't go to him telling him I was pregnant without going over and over everything, confirming with doctors, putting him through the trouble of it all and asking him to go to appointments just because I wanted to, nor did I do it because I wanted him to be the father regardless. I was completely honest from the get go, and completely supportive of him. He was so sure he was going to use this chance to prove himself to everyone that he can be a great partner and father, he can be supportive in every way and he isn't the person they all said he was. But the longer it all goes on, the more I realise that he's not going to be able to do that anymore. I completely understand he is scared, I am too. Its such a huge thing to deal with, and it's completely life changing, but that's not the reason he's giving for our relationship failing, or the excuse he's giving for his behaviour and treatment of me.
As much as I am scared and not wanting to go at it alone, I think it's probably better that I do in the end. Not for my sake, but for this child. If I wasn't pregnant, I think it would be a different situation all together.
Our on and off relationship has been that way since the start. We rushed into moving in together with one of his friends, it got between us, we broke up, we got back together, and for a long time, I think he just liked having me around when he couldn't find someone else to show an interest in him, as soon as they did, I was the one kicked out the door, then he'd come back asking for us to get back together. The most recent time wasn't so long ago actually. We've been on and off due to a number of reasons, we were actually going really strong for almost 3 years, unfortunately it started going down hill when we let his sister move in with us. It was so slow to decline that I hardly noticed it until it was too late and this is the reason we broke up recently for 6 months until just over 4 months ago. I don't claim to be perfect. I really know full well that I'm not, but I did my best for him. I just don't know what more I'm able to do to save the relationship this time. It's completely different now due to having a child to put first.
I'm just very unsure, and very scared. As I've said before, no one expects to be dealing with parenting solo. I really wasn't expecting this to happen, I know how ridiculous I am to have taken him back time and again. He talks a very good game, and things seem so much better and we seem a lot closer and stronger when we get back together. I guess I was just being dumb and expecting things to be better every time, and I'm an idiot for ever expecting things to be different this time.

Hi Smithbic90
I just wondered how you were getting in and what happened? I’m going through a similar situation and am not sure what to do