Can’t talk to dh anymore- drifting apart

[greatbighillofhope]

Dh and I have been together for years and years. There are pressures on our relationship from both our long hours/high pressure jobs and family demands on top. Life in general can be intense and stressful for both of us.
I think this chronic pressure has lead to our relationship taking a back seat; after our children, after our work, after chores and household stuff there is literally no time or energy available for us. Over the last few years we have drifted further and further apart until now we virtually never have sex, almost never touch even. We are just co-parents and co-owners of our home.
He goes to bed every night very early (we are both tired as we generally work 50+ hours a week each) but I go to bed late as I need the peace and quiet after the dc go to bed.
I think the most important thing is though that I can’t actually broach this subject with him. He terrible at accepting anything that could possibly be construed as criticism, and he would most likely think that me saying ‘I’m concerned that we don’t seem as close lately’ would be me saying he was ‘wrong’ in some way and he would react defensively.
He is, and has been for a long time, terrible at understanding what I’m trying to say. I do try so hard not to blame or critisise but it’s always taken that way.
Our communication styles are both crap. He tends to be agrrsssive, I tend to be passive. Even when I have suggested in a really positive and assertive way (no blaming whatsoever) that we could both work on our communication styles he took it badly, argued that it was a crap idea and it would never work then wouldn’t discuss it any further. The only method that seems to have any success with him is to behave passive aggressively to show indirectly how unhappy I am and when it eventually gets extreme he will change his behaviour for a while and tone his communication style down a bit, allowing me to express myself. But of course this only lasts so long til we slip back into old habits.
I often write letters to him (that I never give to him) to get my feelings out. I just feel like he has never tried to understand me, never tried to find out what’s important to me. He is not kind when I make a mistake, I still am kind to him whenever he does. I know I am giving up now as I just can’t be bothered with the emotional fallout when I try to express myself knowing that it will just be deja vu and nothing ever changes. I feel like I’ve lost any voice I ever had, what is the point of carrying on?

I would be inclined to agree with you. What's the point? But perhaps if you tell him it's over, he might be shocked enough to change.

It can happen.

Could you manage financially without him?

He sounds like a total and utter prick, you have to walk on egg shells and watch what you say so he doesn’t throw toys out the prank? He’s trained you to be treated like crap and accept it to keep the peace.
Dump him, you deserve better.

pram! Ffs!

It sounds as if you've made yourself smaller and smaller and smaller to fit him.

I'd spend a while making myself bigger. Do things to please yourself. Carve out time to do things you haven't recently. Try some new things. Be you. The relationship can sink or swim but you have to exist either way.

What about counselling to try and improve the communication?

He could be blaming you for the stressful lives you lead, which is totally unfair, but are things ever going to improve jobs wise?
Can either of you change jobs or hours? What ages are DCs?

I have made myself smaller, it’s a technique I’ve used from being very young, trying to not be noticed. I do need to try and find some time for friends and hobbies, I’m sure that would help me feel more human and connected with the world.

He might blame me for the stress in our lives. The thing is though, that I definitely blame him. I feel like I have to work very hard and he doesn’t do the things he could do to relieve the pressure on me. I would like to change my role to be under less pressure but that would involve a salary cut and he persuades me every time that the sacrifice wouldn’t be worth it. I also have a pride in the value I have professionally, I don’t want to admit it is too much for me, but of course it is.

Often when I get down about the stress of work, he doubles down on how hard he works, as if to say, ‘well I can do it, so you must be pathetic to be complaining about just having to work 50 hours a week’

Obviously I know that this level of commitment to work is dysfunctional. We are probably both workaholics. We do need counselling together I think but I’m too tired to try to persuade him when the chances of success are so low and the chances of it leading to a big argument are very high.

What would the sacrifice be if you reduced hours? Less holidays, or no bread? Because time is precious barring actual hardship. Really think about what you want. Rather than filtering your feelings through what he wants.

He's terrible at accepting anything that could possibly be construed as criticism, and he would most likely think that me saying ‘I’m concerned that we don’t seem as close lately’ would be me saying he was ‘wrong’ in some way and he would react defensively.

What about putting a positive spin on it, such as "I really want to spend more time with you. How about we do X together?" It doesn't have to be anything major - DH and I started walking the dog together every night for 20 minutes just to have time to ourselves- and we now look forward to it! We chat about all sorts of things during those walks. I know other couples who cycle together, take a martial arts class together - just do something for themselves at least once a week.

Rather than expressing concern (which he could interpret as criticism), give him the compliment of saying you want to spend more time with him and come up with a possible solution.

It's small steps, but if you can carve out a little time just for each other, you may feel less isolated.

Also, do you both have to work such long hours? I can see the point if you're both working towards certain career goals, but it's not great long-term.

Sounds rough OP.

You've tried many times but he doesn't seem to be doing the same. I'd actually give him the letters you wrote. At least you could get across what you want to say without being interrupted.

Ultimatum time then.

Also this job pride you have. Will be helpful if you can work on letting that go. It's keeping you a prisoner.

Eh, sounds like he's not interested in fixing anything for you because it works ok for him. Selfish.
I doubt you'd even get him to couples' counselling, but if you could, it might help - allow you room to have your say without him shutting you down.
If not, then I'm afraid it rather sounds like the end of the road - so either you make the decision to go it alone or you just put up with this for the rest of your natural until one of you pops off. :(

Do you really both have to work 50+ hours a week? That's a killer to even the strongest relationship. Grinding fatigue and nothing to talk about because that's all you both do for the lion's share of your waking hours.

Can you rethink finances and cut the hours down with an intention to get your relationship back on track?

He might blame me for the stress in our lives. The thing is though, that I definitely blame him. I feel like I have to work very hard and he doesn’t do the things he could do to relieve the pressure on me

Come on OP can't you see that between the two of you, you're both pointing the finger and laying the blame game. How will it help get things into a better place?

You both need to take control and work more as a team, if the relationship is important t you both.

Otherwise throw in the towel and admit it's over otherwise this could go on for years.

Weren't you listening, Daisychain? The OP said she'd like to cut back but her H persuades her it's not worth the loss of income.

We are both blaming the other. Just like the him=aggressive, me=passive, ideal=assertive issue with our commmunication, another of the problems is our diametrically opposed day to day outlook on life.
I am a planner (and a bit of a worrier) I’m always wanting to make a plan of action and proactively solve problems, ideally before they’ve become a big hairy problem. He sees that as catastophising about things that might never happen.
Instead he just lives in this very moment right now with absolutely no concern for what implications his actions today might have on the outcomes tomorrow. I see that as a irresponsible and so frustrating.
The ideal place to be is the happy medium between the two, and we both can improve there, but when we talk about these sorts of issues we both become entrenched in our own viewpoints.
I feel as though he disagrees with me now just as a matter of course, without even making his own evaluation of the situation.

What do you want, realistically, Greatbighill? Do you want a way to get him to change, or do you want out and support on achieving it?
It sounds like he has zero incentive or intention of improving, so can you continue to live with it or not?

What do you want, realistically, Greatbighill?

Just a thought, but how about taking the next two weeks (give yourself a deadline) to consider how you really feel about your DH and your own five-year and 10-year goals.

What are your DH's good and not-so-good points? Do you feel that your relationship is worth fighting for? I had the initial impression that you did - and if you feel that way in a couple of weeks, that's one decision made.

Also think about where you want to be and what are some goals you'd like to achieve in the next five years and then 10 years (career-wise, travel, fun activities, etc.) What will the children be doing then - will you be empty-nesters?

Consider whether what you're currently doing will achieve those goals. Are you working long hours to pay off the mortgage and/or debts quickly and that will eventually free up cash to do other things ..or are you just stuck in the grind? Is there something you could do differently to achieve your goals?

Once you've got some goals/ideas outlined, perhaps take DH out for a nice dinner and talk to him about long-term plans - focus on the nice ones first (trips you want to take, etc.) and encourage him to share his. You need to get on the same track again.

Good luck

Is there any way that you could go part-time at work?
Could you survive?
Sounds like most of the problems are due to the long hours you both do.