I recently moved back to my hometown with my own DC and have encountered a woman, will call her B, who I knew before, who is a friend of my dad’s and was a colleague of his when I was younger.
I have heard some things B has said about me to friends in my hometown. Somehow she knows and always has known lots of private information about me. Like what medical procedures I’ve had, the problems I’ve had with my children, my relationship break ups etc.
B’s general story about me is that I am very insecure and unstable and have caused my family lots of “agro” and worry growing up and over the years and that I am a very difficult, wayward person who has received lots of help from my family and lots of effort made to keep me on the straight and narrow. None of this is true and I am on good terms with all my family and I don’t think any of them feel that way. I am actually a very responsible type and quite risk averse. But the fact she is able to mix true information (like me being in hospital for gallbladder removal - which is true,) with false information (like I receive huge monthly payments from my parents for my debts at the age of 35) makes her quite convincing.
I once went through a bad break up when I was in my twenties and was at home at my parents house. She called the house on the landline and I picked up and she asked for my dad. I said I’d get him and she said “you know you really need to get over your ex don’t you? These things happen you just have to move on. The rest of us move on, you’re not special. You know that don’t you?” I was astonished as I had never confided in her about it or even knew she knew about it.
I have come to the conclusion since becoming an adult that she probably had an affair with my dad when I was younger, he did not leave my DM and she for some reason holds some bitterness against me or feels that I am the reason she and my dad are not together. I have stated the theory to my dad and mum (who are and always have been together) outright several times but they deny it, laugh and say they don’t know what I am talking about, minimise and avoid conversations about it.
I feel like I’m being gaslighted by everyone. I’m going to list the reasons why I think it was an affair here and just wanted to get a sense of perspective from MN if you don’t mind.
I was very close to my dad when I was a pre-teen and teenager. B was my dad’s colleague so we’d see her frequently at work family events anyway, but she kept appearing everywhere I went separately with my dad. During the peak of B’s appearances in my life, he and I went on a horse riding holiday abroad and she turned up and joined in our activities, spent every day with us and stayed in our hotel. This was when I was 12.
Over the course of the holiday I lost control of my horse and went into hers by accident. Then my horse set her horse off and they bolted and we both fell off. She was really upset about it and told me that she thought I had done it deliberately and wanted to hurt her. I apologised, of course, but I certainly hadn’t done anything deliberately. I remember being baffled and confused by her extreme reaction as it was a genuine accident (I was injured too!) and i barely knew her to have such a motivation.
She took herself off to the hospital and then blamed my dad for not going with her and staying with me instead. She was fine in the end, and had just strained something, but she reminded me about it for the next five years when I saw her and blamed me for her being unable to go near horses again and said I had caused her permanent injury. Looking back with retrospect, the implication seemed to be that she thought I was “acting out” or trying to get rid of her, get her or of the picture so to speak, whereas all the time it was just a genuine accident which I had no control over.
Much of the time she spent with us, not just on this holiday, she seemed always needy and annoyed with my dad, or angry with me, constantly calling him off for “private chats” which was weird in itself for a supposed colleague-type relationship. I didn’t ask what was going on at the time as I was just a teenager and didn’t really understand what a relationship or an affair looked like. I just thought he was always in trouble with her for one reason or another or perhaps she was senior to him at work and was bossing him around because of that. And that’s what bosses or managers did.
She would turn up when we were shopping in the town centre and to my surprise, she became a governor at my school while I was in sixth form,so was attending my school functions too and attempting to find out academic information about me, like my university choices, or telling my dad that such and such teacher was annoyed with me for something which would lead to conversations and confrontations at home.
The whole time she appeared in my life, she just did not seem to behave like an adult and i felt wary of her and like she did not want the best for me. It was a strange internal conflict as I was expected to treat her with respect as she was my father’s colleague and friend and governor at my school, yet something was so obviously “off” about her behaviour towards me compared to how she treated others.
It was like she felt she was competing with me over my dad’s attention. But for me it was never in question as - despite whatever was going on in his life - my dad always made me feel like a priority.
When I got back from the holiday I talked about above, my mum directly asked me if my dad was having an affair with B. No explanation why she asked, it was just a straight question. I said no, as I was only 12 and I just thought B was very weird -
not that her behaviour indicated she was having an affair with my dad. To this day my mum denies she ever asked his but I know she did.
Looking back, B would pop up everywhere and talk to my dad in a very overfamiliar way. She was very bold with him and used to swear at him or tell him he was talking rubbish despite the fact they were supposed to have a professional relationship. My dad and my parents were quite formal so it always surprised me that someone would talk to my dad in this way. She would walk into his office without knocking, when I was there, whereas every other colleague would knock. She did not behave the same around other male colleagues. I expect the two of them thought I wouldn’t notice how overfamiliar the exchanges were.
She would take me aside before his birthday and remind me how important it was I got him a card and present and gave me a list of things he liked (which I already knew - because he was my dad.) it was like she was showing me that she was his main emotional connection.
These days, B and dad still meet up but not as frequently, but we just don’t talk about it as a family at all when he goes.
The latest issue is that she has told my ex about a legal issue DH and I are having that only my parents know about. I was asked directly about it when I spoke to a friend the other day who said my ex was telling people and that B had told him. It’s always phrased like “poor (my dad) venuvichy’s in trouble again... what are we going to do with her?”
I cannot get anything out of my parents about this chain of events and linking it back to them, even though they are the only people who know about it. They deny everything. My dad denies telling her. I agree that this denial in itself is baffling, but not the point of the thread.
I would like to confront B in person about everything. About what she is saying, her past and present boundary busting in my life, and finally get her to admit there was something going on with my dad.
Would you say those experiences make it obvious enough they were having an affair? Or do I sound unhinged?
I do realise it takes two to tango and my dad is just as much to blame as she is, (and I have told my parents I am
Going to stop telling them anything until they are honest,) but I hate the feeling that she is allowed access to me like this when she so obviously hates me.
What do you think is going on here? Are my hunches correct?