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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I wrong to say this to my friend

28 replies

Belina · 15/09/2018 20:54

She is 29 and on IVF via the NHS.
She has had two goes and now is on the last round however she is always complaining about she is being violently sick, cannot stop vomiting and has terrible flu symptoms which is due to the medication for IVF.

She doesnt want to live her life her goal is purely to be pregnant she has had to take weeks off work for this and is at risk of losing her job.

Her partner well he isnt even around to help her with her medication so obviously wont be with a baby. He is cheating and have drug and drink binges with his mates. He is 24 so suppose doing what 24yr olds do.

Anyway she told me again she has had to go to her grandparents to look after her because of her being so weak
I messages her back 3 days ago saying she is killing herself doing this IVF and her having a baby right now is obviously not meant to be and she should focus on making her body well before trying again.

I know it's not what she wants to hear and it's none of my business but I am scared for her... can IVF cause irreversible damage to your body at all?

She is obsessed with getting pregnant alone and thinks a baby will solve all her issues especially with her partner

Was I wrong to say this to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Belina · 15/09/2018 20:56

I haven't heard from her for those 3 days and she just phoned me ranting about what a horrible friend I am and it's none of my business and how sick she is of people telling her what to do.

I didn't say anything back but said sorry I didn't mean to offend you. She hung up on me.

OP posts:
Elderflower14 · 15/09/2018 20:59

Sounds to me she didn't like hearing the truth....

TrippingTheVelvet · 15/09/2018 20:59

Majorly insensitive Shock

foxotterhare · 15/09/2018 21:02

Not nice of you. IVF can make your body do those things whether you 'heal' it in between or not. Let the doctors make those decisions.

Loopytiles · 15/09/2018 21:04

Can understand your concern for her, but your message was unkind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2018 21:05

Wow OP. Not sure where to start with this.

It’s not what 24 year olds do.

She’s clearly in a bad way and while you’re worried about her you’ll have come across as sticking the boot in. She’s sick, terrified, desperate for something she’s on her last chance at having, alone in a clearly shit relationship, and not her friend is telling her she’s basically mad to carry on doing something she probably feels she has no choice about.

I suspect when she’s complaining about how awful she feels she’s hoping for some sympathy as she’s not getting any from her useless partner, not a lecture on how she’s doing it to herself.

I’ve got a good friend who had 3 rounds of ivf on the NHS that didn’t work and she’s the first to say she became completely desperate and lost sight of everything else for a while. Her friends stuck by her, she had a lot of counselling to come to terms with it and luckily they were able to go private years later and now have a family. But most people aren’t able to do that and knowing you’re nearly out of options to do something you so desperately want that so many other people seem to find so fucking easy is a pain I can’t even imagine.

Fair enough to worry but now wasn’t the time and there may never be a time for tha sort of concern.

She’s suffering and you’ve probably made her feel ten times worse. I’d give her some space.

peekyboo · 15/09/2018 21:12

It came across badly but you were worried for her.

It would be worth trying to tell her that side of things, but understand if she's not ready to hear it.

confusedfriend101013 · 15/09/2018 21:16

No, I don't think you were wrong in saying what you did. I think a true friend tells you their honest opinion rather than what you want to hear, as painful as it might be.

I think going forward though, she knows how you feel so it is now up to her what she decides to do and it is up to you to do nothing but support her. Listen to her complaints whether that is to do with the IVF or her boyfriend or her job, be a sympathetic ear and someone she can rely on and confide in. She knows how you feel about the full situation so I wouldn't bring it up again unless she does.

I'm sorry I have no idea whether IVF can cause irreversible damage to a ladies body so can't help you on that matter.

It seems to me you are a good friend and not just blowing smoke up her arse so good for you.

I hope it all works out for your friend.

jackio2205 · 15/09/2018 21:19

Things arent always right and wrong, but whatever your intention, she obviously didn't want to hear it and needed support instead of opinion, so in her eyes wrong. I do get where you're coming from totally, but I also know how physically and mentally taxing IVF is, you have to commit completely and unless you've been there you can't really empathise, so for now I think just maybe say sorry and say you'll be there whatever she needs, until she asks for an opinion? So difficult though, its clear you care! I hope in time she realises you care xxxx

crispysausagerolls · 15/09/2018 21:32

I think you obviously meant well but this is one of those situations where it does not matter what you think - your friend will continue down this all-consuming path, and there is nothing you can say to prevent her. Therefore you just need to be there and support her, and that includes telling her what she wants to hear (even if it’s not what you want to say). Yes, her partner sounds appalling, but she isn’t going to leave him now as he is a means to an end. Hopefully this third attempt works for her, poor lady.

broccolicheesebake · 15/09/2018 22:01

As a good friend, it isn't wrong to voice your concern, but the way you deliver the message is crucial... "having a baby now obviously isn't meant to be" is insensitive.

"how are you coping with ivf? I know it's hugely stressful, and I've been a bit worried for you.." would be a better way of encouraging her to talk..

Original poster
Belina · 15/09/2018 22:11

I honestly hope it does work for her I would always support her and I never bring down her partner to her I obviously have my opinion but dont ever say it.
I honestly only said that message because I dont want her to hospitlised or something worse
I just feel so bad for her I havent had a baby and I dont want one right now so I wont get it. I feel awful now reading it it was rude to say that

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 15/09/2018 22:14

I would send her the second part of what you’ve just posted here!

Joysmum · 16/09/2018 08:03

If you felt the need to express your feelings on such a sensitive issue, it should have been as part of a conversation rather than a message.

You already know how bad you message sounds, I hope you can fix things.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 16/09/2018 08:26

What you have said seems perfectly fine.
Lots of people struggle to have children. It isn’t the end of the world and it doesnt mean you should have to walk round on eggshells with them.
Also, what you said is right.

BettyCrook · 16/09/2018 08:29

He is cheating and have drug and drink binges with his mates. He is 24 so suppose doing what 24yr olds do.

No its really really not. Confused

and you were very rude. Just pull the plug on that friendship.. neither one of you is appreciating the friendship.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2018 08:31

I don't think that was a pleasant message at all. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

If you wish to tell somone some home truths, and you in any way care about that person, then you do so face to face at a time they are open to it. Texting a woman going through ivf that is not meant to be, is very very cruel.

RowenaDedalus · 16/09/2018 12:07

I don’t think you will be able to come back from ‘not meant to be’ unless you seriously apologise. Such an awful thing to say to someone who is clearly desperate. I understand your concern but she will fixated on that comment rather than hearing that you’re worried about her.

Shockers · 16/09/2018 12:16

I would:

Tell her how much you love her and the other things you said in the post above.

Tell her that what you said wasn’t from a position of judgement of her choices, but of concern for her wellbeing. After thinking about it, you realise how insensitively you delivered that concern.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do; you sound like a great friend who had a very unfortunate bout of mouth before brain.

thethoughtfox · 16/09/2018 12:31

her having a baby right now is obviously not meant to be

You don't know that. It's her life's dream. That is a devastating thing to say.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 16/09/2018 13:29

Ignore the above posters OP. You’ve given this lady some tough love, not the lilly livered nonsense being suggested here. She will thank you for it one day.

Littletabbyocelot · 16/09/2018 13:59

I went through years of Ivf (although only two completed rounds). Infertility does tend to become all consuming, because the fear of never having children is intense. I can also imagine that if on the final round you realised your partner wasn't ideal, you might still carry on rather than give up on ever having kids.

IVF hormones also play merry hell with your mood. I remember once having a massive go at DH for not being annoying as I desperately wanted something to be angry at.

Anyway, if one of my friends sent me a message like that, it would have been instant end of friendship for me. I don't think any amount of apology would fix it. But if you want to try and fix it, go for the 'lily livered' approach - definitely don't expect her to thank you one day. If you don't apologise whole heartedly the best you can hope is that one day she doesn't spit when saying your name.

(I do realise you meant well, but I also remember how it felt to face that final round of Ivf and how hurtful your message must have been to someone already in so much distress).

foxotterhare · 16/09/2018 15:08

She will thank you for it one day.

How can you possibly know that?

Highly unlikely to regret it with a baby in her arms. Quite the opposite.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 16/09/2018 15:49

It has already failed twice fox so, sadly, the odds are against that.

HollowTalk · 16/09/2018 15:51

Why on earth would she want to have a baby with a twat like that? She's young enough to wait to find someone else. She's also giving up all her chances of IVF - why would she do that?

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