How the actual F

[HowDidIEndUpLikeThis]

Hi you wondrous lot need a bit of advice.
So basics been with not so DH 20 yr 3 DC.

At start was physically abusive now emotional abuse, not directly hit me for many years but still known to break things etc.

I've decided I'm leaving no doubts but here's the rub, I can't afford to up and go.
We've got no savings so need to start there and know I will get a fair bit together for deposit furniture etc.

Most likely will take months to save enough to move on.

Can't to to refuge have a job and kids school so need to stay local, plus wouldn't want kids out though that.

Thing is when I tell (D)H I'm leaving don't want to be with him, he literally bully's me until I relent; I've had a 8 hour rant a few weeks ago where I actually said very little (tried the grey rock approach) but had to give in as was so tired was gone 2 am morning by this point and due at work in morning.

At present I'm pretending we are working things out just so I can get through the day, but I'm so drained pretending to like/love this man I truly hate.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, how do you carry on? How can I survive months of this misery?

Why did you tell him you were leaving? That is going to make the waiting around WAY more painful.

Can you convince him you've decided to stay?

Can you get in touch with Women's Aid or Samaritans on a daily or semi daily basis for that emotional support side?

Do you have any friends? Are you in touch with family?

See a divorce lawyer. Work out how much you can do before you have to involve him.

You must still be very very scared of him if you listened to a rant for 8 hrs. I'd have gone out or gone to bed with headphones on. I guess he would have beaten you up if you dared to do that?

Hi thanks for the reply's
Donkey : we had a big fall out earlier in year where he decided to divorce me, made a big show inform my work, friends family etc really humiliated me with lots of lies about who I was etc
I agreed to divorce/him leaving etc but he came back after few hours so this is where we are
Rabbits yes I've learned any kind of defence escalated until I say/do what he wants, I've had water thrown over me in bed dragged downstairs physically thrown out of house before now he will get kids out of bed and involve them/make them 'choose' etc it's really not worth getting into the argument until I've got somewhere else to go.

I know I sound pathetic but honestly it's so hard to just up and leave what I've worked hard for remove my kids from their home etc and take them somewhere much much worse.
My friends and family know and are supportive, though I think they are getting tired of me as I haven't left yet. None of them have enough room to house all of us.

No advice beyond what pps said but just sympathy it's hard

Hi op sorry to hear about your awful h. There used to be a scheme called staying put which helped women who had suffered domestic abuse stay in their own home and eject the perpetrator. Not sure if it's still going, might be worth googling to see what's available local to you

Thanks will have a look, xx