Narc MIL

[Sillynot]

Hello,
We've been no contact with my mother in law for a few months now and the question I wanted to ask is, will she ever change?, will the NC make her realise her mistakes and persuade her to start behaving reasonably once again.
There is no sign of that happening with my family but I wondered if it had with anybody else. Otherwise what is the point in going nc and is there any alternative whatsoever to help my mil change her ways. We can't cope with her behaviour normally but equally feel such guilt at denying her the right to watch our children grow. Any advice?

She is probably too old to change. Narc characteristics get more embedded as people age, and people accommodate it more. You've probably made the correct decision.

I doubt she will change. So it’s down to you and your oh to decide how much of her you can cope with.
So under carefully controlled circumstances, EG, book a table somewhere suitable for dcs- say pizza express- and then ask her if she would like to join you. Date, time, venue, food already fixed. No alternatives. She either comes along and behaves herself in public or she doesn’t. She doesn’t come back with you afterwards. It isn’t going to be a regular thing. Start with a one off. Agree the rules between you in advance.
If she tries to deviate, or bring someone along, say no. If she doesn’t show up, it doesn’t matter, you will have had a pizza out with your dcs. Don’t tell them in advance that their gran will be there. If she shows up late, that’s her problem. Go ahead & eat anyway.
Good luck

You're not denying her anything thing. She is by her behaviour.

NC isn't to get someone to change their behaviour. It's to remove a toxic person from your life.

Why would you want to subject your dc to toxic behaviour? If it's too toxic for you and dh, then it's too toxic for your children.

Thanks for the great advice. I don't know whether she's a narc but having read the traits I can tick most of the boxes, she's awful to be around.
Seniorschoolmum it's funny that you should say 'if she shows up late' because for the final few months we were having contact with her we would arrange to meet her in a public place and she would always show up late, even though she hadn't seen our children for months.

Your right @thingsdogetbetter I really would prefer not to subject our dc to her toxic behaviour but at the same time I don't want to be known as the person that denied mil even a tiny bit of contact with her gc. But taking them to see her again gives me shivers

Why don't you want to be known as that person OP?

I went NC with my mother nearly a decade ago and she made no attempt to apologise or get in touch.

Until... I had a DC. Suddenly she's in touch but she hasn't changed one bit. Still toxic, still abusive and still saying it's my fault because I was a terrible daughter. So she wants to continue to abuse me and still have contact with DC. Are you f'ing kidding?

It doesn't stop her though. She still finds excuses to send messages with a dig at me, abuses me to friends she's never met through social media and on .

She won't change. Please don't subject your DC to her. You're doing them a huge favour not letting her toxic behaviour in their lives.

"Your right @thingsdogetbetter I really would prefer not to subject our dc to her toxic behaviour but at the same time I don't want to be known as the person that denied mil even a tiny bit of contact with her gc".

That feeling is not a good enough reason at all to subject your kids to your narcissistic mother in law so you need to get past that sharpish. She was not a good parent to your H when he was growing up and she sure is not a decent grandparent role model to be around your children. Do not subject them ever to her emotional manipulations because they will be manipulated right in front of your very eyes. Do not take them to see her, you state anyway that doing such a thing would give you the shivers. Such people as well can over value or under value the relationship with the grandchildren too as well as creating a scapegoat/golden child dynamic with your children.

Sod feeling guilty about her as well, do you think she feels guilty at how she has treated you both?. No she does not. Both of you need to deal with your fear, obligation and guilt properly, have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and read up far more around NPD.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no. Your mother in law is no different. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You need to let go of the hope that anything you do will cause her to change.
Your kids are much better off with minimal contact. She's not the grandparent you hope she will be.

My DH & I are v limited contact with my MIL. We are yet to involve dc in this but as & when the time comes I certainly won't be bending over backwards to allow her a relationship with them.

Don't feel guilty & remember the reasons why you are NC in the first place.

I like to think everyone can change or at least find common ground but if she has mental health issues, like you suspect, then probably not without medication/treatment.

What is a narc? Do you mean she is narcissistic (as another poster indicates)?

I'd be interested to know how she displays narcissm - apart from turning up late.

Yes, I think she means Narcissistic Personality Disorder Rebecca, I'd be interested to know too.