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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I resent his selfishness.

11 replies

LorettasBox · 15/09/2018 15:51

I've been married for 18 years. And it's ok. I put up with more selfishness than I should, and he seems to think that if he does a basket of ironing a week and loads a dishwasher, he's 'doing his bit', but there's no abuse or anything really unpleasant.

I just can't shake the resentment. I am beyond hormonally sexually charged right now, and I could shag the postie just for turning up (I'm not btw!) but we're not having much sex because he's always out pursuing his own entertainment and being self-absorbed and by the time he gets off from playing football games on his phone, however horny I feel, I would rather sort myself out than let him touch me in the half-hearted way he does.

We never kiss - even during sex and foreplay, he just doesn't engage. I am always so far down the priority list I barely register. I've tried talking to him about some of this, and work really hard at not being over the top, or minimizing, but he just never even registers what I'm saying. He even just walked out of the room while I was midsentence explaining something about the kids schools yesterday, because he just got his phone out and became more absorbed in what he was reading than listening to what I was saying.

I'm approaching had-enough now, and I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 15/09/2018 16:39

Oh op. The had-enough has been a long time coming. You can't do this anymore. You cannot continue to live this half life. Are you financially secure? How soon can you leave him?
Big hugs x

caffelatte100 · 15/09/2018 18:44

I bet he would love the idea that you are so hot. Does he even know? Tell him, he's not doing it for you. I think something good come out of this - mutually beneficial. But he has to change. and big time.

Otherwise, you are definitely better off on your own....

LorettasBox · 15/09/2018 19:12

Yes, I'm beginning to think that, but I'm wondering if I'm just too bloody lazy to do it. I'm not financially secure - my work is hourly paid as many hours as I can get which is usually 22 hours a week if I'm lucky, while he is salaried. I'm really unhappy and and I run everything in the sense that it I'm not driving things forward, they don't get done, but I'm safe, I have a roof over my head and my kids are content.

I'm scared to rock the boat for the sake of a sense of being seen again, which I probably wouldn't be even if I left. Oh, I dunno. Feel bloody shit today.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 15/09/2018 19:32

I'm gonna get flamed for this.. perhaps but I would just tell him straight.

You're not meeting my needs. Sexually or emotionally and unless you DO SOMETHING I will find someone who will. It will either give him a kick up the arse or it will start a conversation that both of you really really need. Whether or not to continue with your relationship and if so what needs to change to make you both happy.

bakebakebake · 15/09/2018 19:59

I agree with treacletoots!

Cawfee · 16/09/2018 04:13

Work out how to get rid. Then get yourself online dating and go get yourself a decent shag. Life’s too short to hang around a disinterested man. If he doesn’t want you, there’s plenty of young hot totty out there who will. Go have some fun! Your DH has had his chances.

AlmaGeddon · 16/09/2018 04:24

I would try to make a plan by seeing a solicitor and working out what would be the case IF you separated. If it is possible to be able to separate then when you have the conversation with him it is decision time and not just you complaining, or what he would see as complaining, and he would realise his life will change drastically if he doesn't change his ways, it's decision time for you both.

Pamdoo · 16/09/2018 04:27

What @treacletoots said!

dilly123 · 16/09/2018 07:42

Definitely what @Treacletoots said .. communication is key. Looking back on my failed marriage that was our downfall I took everything inwardly & didn't tell him what I needed from him & just walked away.. very painful for all involved.

NiamhNaomh · 16/09/2018 07:48

Totally agree with @treacletots. Communication is the foundation to any marriage and it is well worth a try. good sex, working as a team and feeling appreciated are bloody important too.

MiniTheMinx · 16/09/2018 08:05

Before rushing to turf him out and put yourself online, I'd do two things. Tell him exactly what's wrong and what needs to change. Then start making some changes of your own, new hair and clothes, gym membership, new hobbies, start chasing better paid work, get out make friends and start future planning for things that don't appear to involve him. He will either panic and do something or he won't but at least you'll be confident, happy and half way to a better new life.

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