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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ex won't give me a divorce

24 replies

Iamclearlyamug · 15/09/2018 13:40

Will try and keep this as brief as possible

Met exH when I was only 17 (he is 9 years older), we were together for 10 years, married for 4 of those and have been separated for 3 years. we have one DD6.

He cheated on me once before and we split up for around 5 months (this was about 4 years into the relationship). we split for good when he had a 6 month affair with a work colleague half his age and left to be with her. their relationship lasted around a year and he's been single since. I have moved on and have been with DP for 2 years

I want to divorce. He doesn't. Says he has better things to spend money on than divorce paperwork. Most recently he's told me he'll only give me a divorce if I sign something saying I can't ever get married again! Can he do this?

How can I convince him to just give me the divorce?? I wasn't the one who ruined our marriage and I just want my life back!

OP posts:

RomanyRoots · 15/09/2018 13:48

Not much help I know, but I thought if you filed for divorce he had no say, especially if it was for adultery.

JungWan · 15/09/2018 13:49

you don't need to convince him to agree !! just file for divorce on grounds of adultery

blueangel1 · 15/09/2018 13:57

DP's tried to include in the divorce settlement that he could never get married or live with anyone else again, and it was thrown out. No judge will ever agree as its completely unreasonable behaviour. You can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and cite that as an example. He can bugger about and refuse to acknowledge the paperwork but it won't achieve anything.

JungWan · 15/09/2018 14:00

yeh, that is so controlling! can't believe people think that is a reasonable thing to ask.

Tom Cruise allegedly asked that of Katie Holmes. Don't know if it's true or not but she does seem to keep her relationship unconfirmed.

blueangel1 · 15/09/2018 14:08

Sorry, DP's ex! Makes more sense now.

ElspethFlashman · 15/09/2018 14:10

You didn't believe him, did you? You do realise you live in the 21st century? Why are you even asking all of this?

Surely you would have consulted a solicitor?

isseywithcats · 15/09/2018 14:17

if you have no shared assets to need agreeing over, as in owned property you can just cite adultery and he does not have to agree to the divorce, i presume as its two years you have child care arrangements agreed, as long as you have the paperwork ie marriage certificate you can do it online, court fees are around £590

disappearingninepatch · 15/09/2018 14:21

I thought you could only cite adultery within 6 months? You have other grounds, though, OP.

RebootYourEngine · 15/09/2018 14:21

When i wanted a divorce i went to a solicitor and they sorted it. My ex didnt get a say on whether we got divorced or not.

RandomMess · 15/09/2018 14:23

Divorce him on the grounds of 2 years separation? If he doesn't contest it I believe ultimately a judge would sign it off in his absence.

If you do it all yourself it isn't expensive.

Is there any financial settlement to actually make, any children together?

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 15/09/2018 14:24

Disappearing is correct 're adultery. You can divorce without his consent after 2 years though I think.

howrudeforme · 15/09/2018 14:27

Two years separated -I don’t think he can stop you.

HirplesWithHaggis · 15/09/2018 14:31

You can divorce with consent after twwp years, five without.

Original poster

Iamclearlyamug · 15/09/2018 14:33

yes, it would literally just be the court papers - there are no assets to divide and childcare arrangements are all organised.

he's already said he would contest if I put adultery, and we could do the 2 years separation but I think he has to consent, and he says he won't unless I agree not to marry again!

good to know that he can't enforce this - I think it's just him trying to keep control, but I just don't want the stress of worrying!

OP posts:

ciderhouserules · 15/09/2018 14:35

Proving Adultery is notoriously difficult. I beleive the Adulterer has to agree to divorce on those terms, unless you have irrefutable proof (ie a baby with his DNA, or photos/film.)

Don't go that route. You can divorce with his consent after 2 years separation, or 5 years without his consent. So all he has to do is sign the papers if you provide them

No of course he cannot demand that you stay unmarried.

ciderhouserules · 15/09/2018 14:37

You could verbally agree not to marry again, to get the divorce signed. Then do what the hell you like.

Even a written statement saying that will be unenforceable in law.

Itsmeaga1n · 15/09/2018 14:43

If you divorce him because of two years separation or even 5 years you still need him to agree. But if you divorce in the grounds of unreasonable behaviour he doesn't need to agree, you just need him to acknowledge receipt of the papers. If he doesn't you can have them served. The divorce can then go ahead. I've just been through this. Pm me if you like

pointythings · 15/09/2018 14:48

Itsme you are incorrect - after 5 years' separation he does not have to agree.

And no, he cannot insist that you never marry again. What a twat.

NerdyBird · 15/09/2018 15:00

If you wait a bit, the divorce laws may change anyway as there's a consultation out.

cobwebsinthebelfry · 15/09/2018 15:06

Unreasonable behaviour is staring you in the face, OP, so there are your grounds for divorce.

Your solicitor will have a jolly good laugh at his preposterous outpourings, then roll up their sleeves and act as a barrier between you and your ninny of an ExH so he can't bully you any more.

If there are no assets to divide, you need have minimal contact except for CC.

OurMiracle1106 · 15/09/2018 15:10

Divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. You can do that after 6 months separation. Cite his infidelity as part of the unreasonable behaviour.

He can and may choose to ignore the paperwork however, and for me that meant I had to get an affadavit but after 15months my divorce was granted without his consent or response.

Itsmeaga1n · 15/09/2018 17:47

Sorry I meant he doesn't have to agree but he does have to acknowledge receipt of papers. My knob of an ex wouldn't do that so I had to have them served. Money well spent though.

MarieG10 · 15/09/2018 18:07

You have no money so can't afford an expensive divorce, unless he has been violent at some point and you may for legal aid.

In any event, the only option is unreasonable behaviour but he may fight it and cost you a fortune.. ,example being recently the poor wife whose husband refused to let her divorce him and the high court and Supreme Court agreed.

If you are already at 3 years, it isn't worth pushing unreasonable behaviour as the legal wrangling will take god knows how long...and will just enable him to still think he is controlling you so my advice is wait for the five year point and he won't have a choice. Law seems certain to change but maybe not before 2 years.

Treacletoots · 15/09/2018 19:05

To be fair the case recently where the husband contesting the wife's petition was possibly the ONLY time this has happened since 1960!

To contest on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour would be incredibly expensive for him to even try and if you're no longer together will he really be arsed? Really?

Unreasonable behaviour also doesn't have to be anything dramatic although I do believe that adultery can also be classed as unreasonable behaviour, add to the fact youve lived separately for years no court would ever deny you a divorce!

As someone else said upthread, if you issue the petition he only has to reply to acknowledge receipt of the petition. The rest of the process you are in complete control.

Don't worry either about him not replying to hold things up. You can simply have them officially served and he billed for the cost. Usually this threat alone will make most men suddenly return the form!

Good luck and remember it's 2018, not 1958

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