If you lost your once healthy self-esteem, how did you get it back?

[Sonjing]

After yet another failed attempt at dating, I think it is time to face my own issues, including lack of self-esteem.

When I was younger I was extremely confident and self-assured, both rationally and emotionally. Then becoming an adult, a failed long-term relationship and a string of negative experiences with dating, changed me and I feel like my self-esteem has become very fragile. Rationally I know I am smart, successful, funny, attractive, honest and yada yada. I have a great job and life, fantastic friends and (excuse my arrogance) men hit on me left and right. I have no apparent reason to struggle with self-esteem.

However, on a subconscious, emotional level, I don't feel confident at all. I feel like a wreck. Every time something goes wrong, especially with dating/ relationships, I blame myself and I can't help but think that if I was more [fill the blank with smart, sexy, beautiful, strong, yada yada] then I would not have failed. I have a very hard time accepting rejection and not taking it personally.

Externally, no one would ever guess I struggle with low self-esteem. In fact I have been told I initially appear intimidating, as I look so confident and strong-willed. The irony!

Now I am taking steps to change. I booked a first consultation with a psychologist. I am reading books and articles. I am taking time for self-care, focusing on myself, setting goals for my life. But I understand it will take time.

If, like me, you used to be a strong, confident person and you lost yourself somewhere along the way, how did you get your self-esteem back? Any recommendations or tips? Any suggestions is welcome

You sound like me! Only no one ever hits on me anymore. Therapy will help. I think it’s very hard to build self esteem when you don’t think you’re worth it. I guess you have to get to the point that you do think you’re worth it

I have something similar, but with work. A string of jobs that I initially thought were great and spend a great deal of time and energy persuing turned out to be huge disappointments and drained me in the end.

I think that's how it works with any series of negative experiences in one area of your life. Therapy sounds like a good idea, as well as not dating for while.

I wish I could do the same with work, but the bills need to be paid. Sigh.

I have a friend exactly like you. She is successful, pretty, and the nicest person, but she has very low self esteem in dating. modern dating is very difficult and batters everyone to a degree, but for some people it's much worse.

I am giving you the advice I gave her too. Taking a break, books, therapy, self care, is all good and fine, but it is also a way of running away from the actual problem and an excuse not to face the issue. By all means do these, but the only way you can get into a relationship is by going on dates.

1.Take the sting out of the rejections. Rather than not dating for a while, date more, meet more people and get rejected a lot more. And reject people too. Let go of the hollywood idea of love at first sight.

1. In dating, rather than a set of attributes and assigning a value to a person based on those, look for FIT. Is the person a good fit for you? Believe that the other person is looking for a good fit. Not wanting to be with you doesn't speak to your value, but just the fact that you two don't fit nicely together. The same way fish and jam don't fit, doesn't say much about their value.
2. Accept that a lot of times people might look for different attributes than what you think matters (say a man might like a shorter, or a rounder woman, or he might prefer someone less successful) . Accept that people have a lot of insecurities about themselves and self sabotage.
3. Believe in the timing of things.
4. Stop having a fixed mindset and a fixed idea of what your life should look like. If you have a fixed idea if a partner let that go too.
5. Start doing some volunteer work (not money, but actual hands on work where you can see people you are helping), or just help someone in need. It will put things in perspective in a massive way.