how do you live well after a narc?

[onlykinda]

Name changed but a regular.

It took a medical team to tell me I was at the hands of an abuser. By last January my body had basically gone into adrenal failure (symptoms can be listed). Although the therapist team would have to meet ex to confirm, the signs and behaviour all pointed to one thing.

It took several months for it to sink in. I did my research and the more I tried not to believe it, the more I couldn't. He is narc and what he has been doing for 2 years was financial and emotional abuse. I was on my knees begging him to tell me the truth about something (not my proudest moment) and he just smirked and kept going with the gaslighting.
I got out. I had to wait til the right time, but from the research etc, could see him doing it and in the end, it would have finished me off. I was close to 'ending it'. I am not even sure what kept me alive at that point.
I split up with him, exposed him to a few friends and started to build my health back up.
That was 6 months ago. I have (sadly) had to cut some friends out of my life as I don't want him knowing about me. He blocked me on social media (annoying as I cant block him to make sure he never comes back) but I have snooped and know he is with someone else. My whole being wants to scream at her and warn her, but I would be labelled the crazy ex so I have to stay away. I have succumbed twice and called him-once after a month when we spoke, then a few months later when he wouldn't answer the phone. I am now getting the silent treatment, which is worse as I am still drawn to him.
At NO POINT do I want him back. Never. It nearly killed me. Yet, I am still up and down about it and don't know how to get past it. I have replayed our entire relationship and am angry I let myself be used and manipulated like this (although I am in therapy for confidence and self esteem so something positive has come out of it). I almost want him to hoover so I can speak to him....but my anxiety hits the roof when I think of ever seeing or speaking to him again. I don't think he will hoover-he was exposed and it would have hurt the ego too much, so I know I will never see or hear from him again. I want some kind of revenge- I have thought about a civil case against him just for justice, but this would achieve nothing more than showing him he matters (in his head)

How do you get past this? How can you move on and not think about it over and over and over? I think I am over him as a person, but what he did remains ongoing. The more I try to understand the mind of a narc, the worse it gets, so I have stopped looking.
Please help.

How do you get past this? How can you move on and not think about it over and over and over?

Did the local NHS diagnose you with PTSD? Intrusive thoughts is a big marker for that.

I don't have the energy to write a big post, but look into EMDR for help with PTSD. Otherwise try CBT. The latter is not as powerful but can be easier to manage in terms of traumatic memories.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I don't know how to help, but I thought I'd let you know that I'm dealing with something similar at the moment and I'm struggling to get past it too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3364563-Scared-of-sex-and-relationships

^this is the thread I started trying to get help, if anyone's suggestions there might help you.

I tried counselling and also started dating again in an attempt to try and move past, but I can't say it helped very much.

One thing that made it hurt a lot less is that I started writing down everything, like a personal memoir that no one else needs to read, which helped me make more sense of things and identify the warning signs and just get it all out so I now know I'm not crazy. I'm still anxious around men, but it helped me moved past the awful hole of depression I was stuck in which was about 50% of the battle I think and I also stopped thinking about him so much too afterwards. I still think about him a lot, but not as much as I used to.

hope you can move past this OP and find a solution that works for you.

Thank you NottheFordtype, I have had cbt, but for other events in my life (you don't get to the level of low self esteem I was at without life battering you along the way!). I need to boost this confidence issue now, which is what I am working at doing.
BriKelly, I don't think it is uncommon to feel this way after a narc. From what I have read it is with you a long time, so I guess 6 months is just the start. How long has it been for you? Does it come and go?
I don't think I am scared of relationships or men, I am just generally confused about people! Everyone I know I can see a narc trait (we all have them) and it has made me generally wary. What I miss from him is the excitement- to do as he did there ws all the craziness going with it. Messaging 100s of times a day, lovebombing, making me feel loved and on top of the world. I know I can never have that again because normal human beings do not act like that, but I miss it. It was intense-the whole relationship was intense and I miss that. But I don't miss him. I know he has moved on to the next and I feel for her, but feel so frustrated I cant show her what he is. Other people are going to get used and hurt by this man and I don't like that at all.
Day to day I plod along fine, but it hits me at strange times. It isn't 'just getting over' another relationship or 'just moving on'. Karma wont get him although it is reassuring to know he lives his entire life as a hollow being where he can never be happy.
Is it brutal thinking of it all, yet I cant stop. How do you stop thoughts? I have tried the mind training techniques, but he still creeps back in. Does it ever end or will it always be this way?

I have a friend who escaped a similar-sounding relationship. It takes a lot of time, and being kind to yourself while you wait for it to pass. Things that seemed (from an outside perspective) to help...

Writing, music, using the mess of thoughts and emotions to make art (means at least they’re good for something, gives you a bit of distance from them, gets them out). Even if you’re not creative a journal where you can just brain-dump might be good.

Spending plenty of time with friends who stuck around and cared.

Running (endorphins + outdoor time + feeling capable and strong + sense of achievement + headspace = feeling good. For a while early on, friend said this was the only time they felt they deserved to feel good/happy.)

Spending time with family, reconnecting where relationships had been limited by controlling partner. Being nurtured at home.

Therapy.

Accepting that a big part of recovery is waiting for time to pass, and that with time will come perspective and peace.

Pretty similar to what Brikelly10 said. I wrote everything down that he used to say/do. I am also having councilling which is beginning to help massively, mainly for me to see my own worth. I had another relationship which was in a similar pattern, but with the help of councilling & meeting an amazing patient supportive man I am getting there. The difficult thing now is that Im finding it hard to adjust to a normal relationship without the extreme highs & lows. Luckily my new partner understands this & encourages me to talk about how I'm feeling.
I still have to see my ex husband because of the kids & he still tries the emotional blackmail. I think the main thing is to keep talking about how you are feeling. I don't think it ever goes away, but you learn to manage your feelings better.
Good luck xxx

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. It is like grieving, except the person is still running around happy and will crucify the next unsuspecting person.
Getting your head around the giant game of mind fuck, where there are no rules and you cant win, is easy to say, but it has ripped me apart. Getting away was the easy part compared to this mental torture of re-living it every day.
I will try things suggested. Any other stories of hope/how to get through it would be appreciated.

If you want revenge, the best revenge on a narc is to have them be insignificant in your life. If you meet them in the street your reaction is one of indifference.

Nothing will piss of a self absorbed narc more than the relisation that they mean nothing to you and they can’t control you anymore.

They get off on the idea that they have that power and that if he came back in your life in a years time, you would be grateful and bow down to him.

You not doing that, taking the power back and even feeling sorry for someone so awful, is your revenge.

CBT actually has a significantly better evidence base than EMDR for trauma.

OP I think the more you ruminate on the relationship and try to analyse why he does the things he does etc the more you're keeping yourself stuck.

Think about what you want your future to look like and focus on building it for yourself.

Time wise, my friend probably took about 12-18 months to seem like themselves again. 5 years on ptsd symptoms are gone and they seem fully recovered, though of course it’ll always be part of their story, if that makes sense.

Hi op and I sympathise with where you’re at. I know what you mean about seeing narcissism in everyone- being on the end of this abuse robs you of your ability to trust and makes me very suspicious of almost everyone now.

For me a big help was focusing on the true natura and causes of npd- a reaction in childhood to abuse/trauma/overindulgence. This creates the defense mechanism that is narcissism. So it’s not something someone chooses to be- it’s all they know as their brain has not matured in a typical way. It’s tragic in many ways but asking a narc to care about others is very much like asking a colour blind person to pick brown from red- they just can’t. Without the ability to truly care for others, that leaves them only inward looking and I think this self absorption is what makes it possible to turn black into white and right into wrong- they’re too busy turned in upon themselves to care about the reality of what they’re doing. “Normal” people don’t do this.

True narcissists can never feel love, joy and contentment. They have their own version I’m sure but it’s just a plastic replica. However much you hurt, remember that you are blessed enough to know these emotions.

Sorry if this is all a bit armchair psychology- it is to an extent but just some of the ways that I have looked at my ex to understand what happened, help me resolve it and to let go of the hurt I was feeling. Hope it helps a bit.