Advice needed on relationships after baby is born

[PicNic1]

This is a first for me posting but I’ve reached a brick wall now and need advice or just someone to talk to.

To give you some background I’m a British women who has a Muslim Pakistani partner of over a decade. I was a secret from his family for over 10years until I fell pregnant with our beautiful son. When I was 4months pregnant my partner told all and I was eventually accepted by his family (so to put it short gone through a lot with him this past year!).
HOWEVER.....since his family have found out and I have given birth he has changed so much, become controlling, snappy, dictating what I can or can’t do, always on his phone (more than ever before as he clearly has an iPhone addition), won’t spend any quality time with me (has to be at his parents/ relatives every Sunday and busy Saturdays), become religious (not been hardly at all for 10years!) and started to speak Urdu when never has before (I don’t understand a word!).
I don’t know if it’s hormones or just me being tired but these changes have really annoyed me, feel like he is being fake now his family are involved however in the same breath think he has been fake with me for over 10years.
Due to all this we have been arguing so so much resulting in him claiming he is leaving me every time (every week at the moment!) and I’ve reached my boiling point. Our son is only 4 months old and I don’t want to let what you hear is normal relationship arguing to be the end of us but getting tired of being the glorified laundrette, cleaner, cook, grocery shopper etc with no thanks back. I admit I’ve been cranky while getting no sleep most nights but I don’t think I’m as bad as he claims (says I don’t respect him....but I think he doesn’t respect me!). It’s hard being a mum, sometimes just need a little love so with the last major argument I said to him “all I need is a hug everyday and I will be happy” but he couldn’t even do that for me! Now everything he does is getting on my nerves right down to the fact he will not recycle anything ! Small thing to some I know but I’m an animal and planet lover so you would think he would do that for me...but no!
Be honest, have you all had horrific relationship issues after baby is born or is this a little more than that and I need to seriously separate with such a young baby?? I love him to death (he’s been lovely most the time pre his family finding out!) but he really isn’t seeing that he is causing a lot of problems by changing so drastically and expecting me to change too (wants me to become a strict Muslim but I don’t want to change who I am!). I asked him to go to relationship counselling as well and he refused so not sure where to go from here. Any help or advice would be greatful

It sounds like a horrible and confusing situation

On one hand it is totally normal for relationships to be strained after the baby arrives. It changes the dynamic and you’re both sleep deprived so it can take time to work things out.

On the other hand, it sounds like he’s got some other things going on re. his family that are not ok. Why were you a secret for so long? Do you get on with his family now? Are you included in family things? Do you and he share expectations of family life and your future together?

Your baby is still very young and you are really in the thick of it, so my advice would be to look after yourself and your baby as much as possible. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to in real life? Who else knows about your relationship worries?

Firstly, Congratulations on your lovely little baby! Babies can take a lot of our time and energy and our relationship can be different for a while, a bit more tense, less patience with other. However, your partner seems to have changed a lot, wanting you to change religion, controlling and dictorial behaviour and that sounds like more than just adjusting to parenthood. I would go as far as to say it is emotional abuse. I would suggest speaking to Women’s Aid as they will have lots of great advice for someone in your situation, especially as you want to protect your baby and make sure you both are financially independent. You have nothing to lose by speaking to them and everything to gain. If your partner is talking in another language that you cannot understand I would be concerned about what he is saying or possibly planning for the future.

I was a secret because his religion and family views (more culture than religion) didn’t allow him to be with a none Pakistani Muslim girl, also his mum threatened when we had been together around 2years that he had to chose between her or a British girl if he went down that route (all very messed up).
I do get on with most his family now to a degree (they don’t like my western clothes for example and basic things like that but I now cover up more when I go round to help to be accepted) however some family members have been quite racist towards me but my partner said he doesn’t need them in his life so not to worry (one positive thing he said!).
Funny thing is until we became known our family views matched, it couldn’t have been more perfect but now our son is born they have twisted heavily onto a more Muslim approach which is not what we agreed. I want our son to know his mum for who I am not what I should be in the eyes of religion or race!
I do have some friends and family near however due to the 10years secret most have the attitude of just leave him as he is a liar to his own family but I feel for my sons sake we should both try harder but with my partner saying he is leaving me all the time it doesn’t feel like he is trying!

I even asked my partner to stop speaking Urdu when it’s just us three as I don’t understand (tried originally to ask him to translate but he either refused or says it means nothing!!) and this resulted in another argument as apparently that’s me not being respectful of his background ....this is after he hasn’t spoken a word of it for over 10yrs!

I come from a similar background to your partner and I hate to say this. It won't get better. Having the baby has brought his cultural values to the fore. This is who he is. The controlling, unloving man who expects you to do all the wifework. It's what he may have seen in his own family growing up and this is what he believes relationships should be like. I really don't think counselling will work. You need to think about how long you're going to put up with this for.

So sorry you're going through this with a new baby. Your oh a total and utter shit.

Feel like I’ve been lied to for so long, I just don’t understand why he was with me for so long acting like he barely had any Muslim values until now, it’s a shock. I’m not the kind of person to let anyone change me and he has known this from the start. I’ve already had to convert to be accepted by his family but he told me I didn’t need to change, I also done many things over the years (given up pork, only eat halal meat, stopped getting drunk and partying like I used to, stopped having 2 jobs - worked behind a bar in the evenings for extra cash, even learned a few prayers recently to impress his mother and changed my clothes to cover up a little more!) but nothing seems enough. Yes he does take me away on holiday a lot but I don’t want to be bought things I just want him to love me nothing more. Am I asking too much?!

You're not asking too much but I wonder how much of this problem is down to his newly rediscovered culture and how much is just the pair of you growing apart. Apart from the Urdu, what you outline are common complaints from many wives who've been married a few years.

If you are really unhappy and nothing improves, you don't have to stay with your husband. You might get on better living apart and can both be good parents to your son.