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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Estranged family member won't leave us alone

24 replies

BWrose · 13/09/2018 18:15

I have one sister. She is estranged from the family. On one hand she wants nothing to do with any of us. Her words were we were all dead to her. Then on the other hand she is completely fixated on us and she's has been harassing the family for a long time now.

She fell out with one brother about 5 years ago. She sent him abusive messages for living and working abroad. He wasn't contacting home much and she took it up badly. Instead of seeing it as him being busy, she saw it as him wanting nothing to do with the family. Her abusive messages hammered the nail in the coffin with their relationship.

About a year and half later me and her had a row. She made it very clear to me she wanted nothing to do with me and at the time I saw a lot of bad aspects with her personality like passive aggressiveness. I had so much on and for me I accepted what she said that she wanted nothing to do with me. Some months passed and she began to send me abusive messages. It was relating to the row we had and other rows that went on years before hand. Slapping so much blame on my back never mind about her own part in things. Her messages were despicable. They were so abusive, mocking me and degrading me. I never responded to any because what could I say to fix things? She had so much anger towards me. I had to change my number a few times. So much more came down the line from her in the years since then like she contacted my employer to warn her about how nasty I am and then she contacted my boyfriend too many times and tried to warn him too. Just trying to sabotage things for me. So much more happened too.

In time she developed an issue with our mother too. She came home visiting and one time she came home she saw my mother a lot of new photographs in her kitchen. They were all of her grandchild and whoever might have been holding her. There was no picture of my sister and my sister took this personally. She has blown all out of proportion. My mother never meant to exclude her but that was the story my sister has and to this day, 3 years down the line, she's still holding that to heart from our mother.
My mother got her own share of abusive messages from my sister.

I have another brother and he has no time in the world for her and that's his decision. He just went silent in her. She eventually came to realise this and took it badly. He too got his own share of pure solid abuse.

Over the past few years she has done some despicable things on the family. I could go on and on and on here but it will take me all evening. In recent times my brother learned how to block her on his phone but she still continued to sending him abusive messages.

All this from my sister, it's on and off. She will go quiet for a week or two or three then she starts it off again. She will direct it at either me or my brother or our mother. I found out changing my number doesn't solve things because she goes down other avenues.

In recent times my mother got an awful dose from her. 1000s of messages, message bombing our mothers phone. Containing just one abusive word.

In the past few mornings my mother got more messages from my sister and it's just completely vulgar. One message read

"I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you all them years ago when I was born without a penis. You should have kept your legs closed bitch"

What a thing to text our mother.

Another message read:

"Our you still sucking X's cock"
X being my brothers name.

All this is completely vulgar and off the wall crazy.

We've been to the local cop station many times but they keep fobbing us off saying it's a civil matter.

Unfortunately going down the civil route will be very costly and there is so much on our plates right now too, other stresses and other drains on us financially too.

We are at our wits end though with this one. We can't go on like this. We've done all the ignoring that we could do imwhere harassment is concerned hoping it would go away but my sister is still persisting and continuing.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Does it ever end or stop?

OP posts:
category12 · 13/09/2018 18:18

Solicitor's letter?

peekyboo · 13/09/2018 18:23

She actually sounds like she should be sectioned.

Thatsfuckingshit · 13/09/2018 18:30

Personally ibwould be concerned about her mental health. She clearly feelslike the black sheep of your family and possibly has for a long time.

Not saying you should do anything or take responsibility.

Harassment is not a civil issue.

Have you posted about this before and considered contacted her employer?

BWrose · 13/09/2018 18:35

The family currently has to deal with a solicitor over a different matter (my parents separation/divorce/fathers debt/housing/family home matter) and the bills are all totting up.

We considered solicitors letter and it would be worth looking into for sure. I think if a solicitor was to take this seriously and if he was to take a sampling of the messages that she has sent us and relay it back to her in a formal letter, I think maybe it might work. Then on the other hand I'm think maybe it won't be enough to get her to stop and she would only be too delighted to learned that we spent good money on a solicitor and a letter. Right now we do have a lot on our plates and the bills are totting up some need to sit down and come up with the money for another appointment and letter.

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 13/09/2018 18:37

How are messages getting through? Can’t you all just block her - all phones and apps like messenger/what’s app etc. have blocking functions.

BWrose · 13/09/2018 18:38

That's fucking shit,

Yes that was me. We are all at our wits. I was considering contacting her employer. I was thinking what gives her the right to contact my employer and hassle her just because she's involved with me through employment. I was considering on contacting her employer to get my sister to stop but I didnt in the end.

OP posts:
ponderingonthings · 13/09/2018 18:39

It's harassment... I really would take out a non molestation order

bertielab · 13/09/2018 18:40

Sent her a warning letter asking her no to communicate with you again by any means or through any third parties. Send recorded delivery. As should everyone else who wants to.

Any response -phone police -produce letter. It's criminal.

BWrose · 13/09/2018 18:42

I changed my number so I get some peace and she doesn't really bother with me any more.

My mother's phone is an old phone and doesn't have the opi of blocking.

My brother blocked her but he worked around that with fake profiles.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 13/09/2018 18:42

peekyboo Thu 13-Sep-18 18:23:00
She actually sounds like she should be sectioned.
......

I was thinking along the same lines. The sister's behaviour is seriously wrong, she must be disturbed in some way.

Flooffloof · 13/09/2018 18:43

A solicitor will write whatever letter you wish for a fee. They won't "take this seriously" they are not the police, they have no powers.
Sorry that sounds harsh and it's not meant to.

My main point was any letter will not be binding in law, yes I would think your relative would probably be happy you wasted money and time with a solicitor.

Dljlr · 13/09/2018 18:44

It's not a civil matter at all, it's a police matter. It's harassment, and since it's directed toward family members it also falls under the umbrella of domestic abuse. Persist with reporting it and if you're advised again that it's a civil matter contact your PCC, via Twitter if possible and certainly by letter.

peekyboo · 13/09/2018 18:46

Buy your mother a different phone then. That's one simple fix for one small part of it.

Thatsfuckingshit · 13/09/2018 19:07

Ok I have looked at your posting history and tbh, I am not surprised your sister is acting like she is. I look3d because I recalled the the ad about contacting the employer.

You know you family dynamo isn't great and your mother made you feel like you and your sister were worth left.

There's more than just your sister that is estranged from your family. Your sister is just dealing with it very badly.

This isn't just your sister being a bitch.

Singlenotsingle · 13/09/2018 19:08

Your DM needs a modern phone that can block unwanted calls/messages

peekyboo · 13/09/2018 21:35

@Thatsfuckingshit
You seem to have scared OP off by looking at the whole picture.

BWrose · 14/09/2018 09:33

Peekaboo,

That's not it. I was busy yesterday evening and last night and couldn't reply.

Thatsfuckingshit,

Thanks for looking at the posting history. You're right, there were some difficulties growing up with my mother and even to this day she babies the remaining son in the house. My sister fell out for different reasons with us all and it doesn't give her the right to do what she's doing. It gives no one that right. There's been many times I wasn't happy with others but I don't turn around and harass and torment them.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 14/09/2018 11:25

I looked because I remembered that there was quite a lot of backstory.

I am not saying it's ok. As I said, it's not a civil matter and you should try the police again.

However, please don't say that because you don't act this way, it can't be down to your shared past. I have a very troubled childhood and come out fairly ok. Not great but ok. I left an abusive marriage last year. I am doing ok. Managing to keep it together, look after the kids, hold a full time job etc.

My brother has struggled a lot. No idea why I seem to be able to hold it together and act appropriately, but he struggles.

Just because you have come out and not done this, does not mean that this is the cause (or part of the cause) and just because you see ok, doesn't mean she is.

The background has clearly impacted her mental health. Pretending it isn't part of it, won't help.

I think you parents really need to face what their choices have caused and think that they should be putting their issues to the side and helping her. Joint counselling if possible etc. Even just admitting their part. Or letting her know that she is acting unacceptably, but they love her and they will be there to help her when she is ready to deal more constructively.

Her mental health is suffering and I feel for her.

HoleyCoMoley · 14/09/2018 11:33

You can block her and buy new phones,change the landline numbers but she clearly also needs help. Can you have a family meeting, give her a safe space to speak.

puzzledlady · 14/09/2018 11:45

I would first off - but your mother a new phone, its all well and good you and your siblings have managed to regain some blocking, but what about your mother? Can you guys not help her out, you mention money issues, a phone need not be that expensive, and the bigger picture (less abuse by her) is worth alot more.

Then - you need to consider sitting down with her and asking her if there is a repairable way for the relationship - if not, then maybe suggest counselling for her, she sounds a little manic - perhaps lashing out is the only way she knows how. All of us have different coping mechanisms, perhaps hers is being volatile and angry. What she is doign is wring, but i think she might feel its her against the world at the moment, and we always hurt the ones closest to us, because they care the most, the fact you are here wrting about it tells me you have not lost all hope.

pumpastrotter · 14/09/2018 11:46

Yes I remember this post before. Were you not trying to imply she had a personality disorder? Far more to this than your OP as other PPs have stated.

I don't believe the police wouldn't take this seriously, unless you're deleting any evidence? What you've wrote about is extreme harassment, the very least they would be issuing a non-molestation order.

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2018 06:34

Go to the police, harassment is an offence. Contacting her employer would be an escalation.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/09/2018 08:19

Of course it’s a police matter.
I’ve sat in court hearings where the defendant was found guilty for less than what you have described and has been given a restraining order.

funnylittlefloozie · 15/09/2018 09:08

Do NOT contact her employer, under any circumstances.

Are you in the UK? There is no question that a UK police force would not take this seriously. It is a sustained and unpleasant campaign of harassment against a family.

A couple of things in your post have made me think you are not a native English speaker - is it possible that you are struggling to get across the severity of the issue when you speak to the police?

As a first step, your whole family needs to change landline and mobile numbers. Buy your mother a new phone, even if she says she doesnt want one!

Do not delete any messages from your sister. Go back to the police and explain what you have told us. Stress that you are concerned for your sister's mental health.

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