What happens in a relationship when honeymoon periods is over?

[Holidaysareover]

I have ASD so sorry if this is obvious to everyone else. I came out of a long marriage with 2 DCs in early teens. Did a bit of OLD but then started a relationship with someone from my past, from my twenties. He was also OLD, but was single when he pursued me.

He is wonderful. Kind and warm. Divorced, has 4 kids from 2 relationships with one third longer cohabiting thing. His DCs are grown up. We have many friends in common. He is 10 years older but we feel pretty much like equals usually. The odd power struggle.

We have been together since March. At first, it was amazing. He made so much effort, pulled out all the stops. Gradually, things have clamed away from that heady passionate phase. I knew it was not sustainable, so it wasn't too much of a shock. We still have great sex and fun times. He is less into the constant communications and puts in less effort. Saying that, he says he is utterly committed to us having a future together, and that he always liked me even when we were friends, and liked my opinions, beliefs (he knew a lot about those).

There were a few 'red flags'. I felt love bombed at the start. So much attention lavished on me! Had a feeling this could not last. Weekends away when I didn't have my DCs. Then he wanted to blend our families. We introduced the kids and told them all about our relationship, but over time we have held back a bit to give them all some space until they feel ready to join in.

Sometimes I feel a bit like I am being gaslighted: "Isn't this just the most amazing thing ever?" Yes, it is a heartwarming love story of how we knew each other all those years ago when we were growing up together, but on the other hand, any story can be heart-rending if you tell it properly. Am I cynical? Perhaps overly pragmatic. I feel like I am constantly on my guard.

Everything else should be wonderful. He seems to understand my job, I understand his, we have similar plans and interests, I live in his house when I don't have my children, and equally he comes to stay in mine. Another small red flag was that he started to suggest I move some of his things into mine. Only a couple of things, a table I might find useful, and some bookcases, very practical. But I am fearful of losing my space. I discussed this and he seemed to get it.

But but but. But what? Is this it? I feel increasingly insecure about it all. What happens now? We are both done with having kids, there are some travels and exhibitions and things to do together, but I am struggling to share my life. I feel like I am running scared: who will dump who first? How will we react? What am I investing in? I feel constantly on edge and sick with nerves. I know I need to liven up and chill out, but it is so tough when I am used to being on my own.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Nothing wrong with being single. I think some people fear being alone, but some of my happier times were outside of relationships. If you're getting pressure don't compromise. I certainly wouldn't compromise ever again, if a gf ever asked me to give up what I love it would be bye bye gf. I also think having your own home is a great comfort and means each person in the relationship doesn't become complacent.

I feel like that. I had a relationship with someone from my past, all great to start with but once the honeymoon was over, he started to act like I should be grateful he was there because I am a single mum. Nothing too obvious but definitely there. And he started to try to make me send my ds away more often for weekends, when I didn’t want to. It was very subtle but I ended it, because I was uneasy. I’m much happier now. It’s only after he had gone. I realised I’d been stressed & walking on egg shells for a while.
Follow your instincts.

If you’ve been together since March, it does seem quick to me for the honeymoon period to end?

There’s no right or wrong here but to me it’s quick.

You haven’t signed your life away - a table and a book case can easily be re-homed. You say it feels pretty equal? Those are good things.

Do you feel you have more to lose, because you’ve got dependent kids?

Rushing with teens is madness anyway so perhaps just wait and see?

Could you elaborate on what you mean by 'the odd power struggle?'. I think this might be a case where you need to listen hard to your instincts.

There was a saying/theory/stat from somewhere that said that men stand to gain the most from pairing up with a women and going 'all in' with them, whereas women stand to lose the most from the same thing. Don't let him encroach on your space! Do what you need to feel comfortable.

I've been with DP for 4 years and think we are sort of still in honeymoon period. But maybe the reason is because we moved slowly so there was no OTT unsustainable stuff to start with so it's less honeymoon and more just something nice that never had a honeymoon. I'm like you and like my own space and am very guarded so don't enjoy the OTT stuff at beginning of relationships.
...Sounds like your relationship has started off quite intense and unsustainable and now it's catching up with you.

You need to decide what you want. Forget about what "should" happen or what he wants. What do you want? Is it compatible with what he wants? It might not be. Maybe it isn't even a relationship? If you aren't sure what you want then you need to be clear about that, he needs to respect that if he wants to be with you, and not try to push things along.

Don't move any faster than you want to. It's been less than a year- a lot of people wouldn't introduce kids until after a year+, so you definitely aren't going particularly slowly and can afford to take it steady.

I'd say you should communicate to him what you've just communicated to us. If he's as serious about the relationship as he says he is, he should be able to handle a serious talk. In as nice a way as you can muster, tell him you felt love-bombed at the beginning and now it's cooled off and ask him what that's about. See what he says. Have an open, frank but loving conversation about it.

I think you're right to hold off on living together or any such commitment. My brother and father have ASD; so I have an understanding but I also understand obviously that each individual is different...BUT since you have ASD, change might be difficult and anxiety-provoking and grey areas probably aren't good for you either (the furniture he moved in). Maybe communicate that to him as he may not have looked at it that way.

I’m surprised you’re out of the honeymoon period after only 6 months. I met my boyfriend mid December and we are very much still in it! He has children from his previous marriage- I haven’t met them yet, and we are just starting to consider this now after 9 months together. No wonder you feel anxious, it’s all sounding very rushed.

Yes I'm the same orangfluff! still in the honeymoon stage My exDH was like yr DP pulled out all stops until he didn't have to bother now that I look back on it. Just go out with him and enjoy it... Don't rush into anything.

He seems in a bit of a rush to move things along and may well be aiming to get his feet firmly under the table at yours? Dunno, it all sounds a bit pushy as you have only been together a few months and should still be all loved up, not 'sick with nerves'!? Also it sounds like the kids on both sides were involved very early on, whose idea was that?

So you literally mean what comes next, when you're older and not looking to start a family? And when you sound not especially keen to settle down again straight away?

The good thing about not wanting to start a family is that you don't have to do the classic thing of moving in together, if that's not what you want. You could live apart and date until you're in your 90s if you like; there's no rush.

Listen to your gut feeling. Sounds to me a lot like my first bf after a long marriage, a lovebomber who went on about marrying me. It was all a load of nonsense - he had no intention of even moving near me. I'm now with someone who also just wants to date for the foreseeable future and makes zero promises. It's more my thing right now.

4 years after breaking up, though, I'm still trying to get my head around what my future might look like. I'd half imagined that I'd have a fling or two then settle down and remarry. But actually, I think that's just what I thought is the done thing. I'm not sure I want to.

What do you want, any idea?

I think we reach a stage in life when we value our independence and maturity. We have had marriage, children, career development and then we find our place. What's wrong with having bf/gfs? It can be fun knowing that you still have your own bolthole and nest sometimes as well as a romantic thing.

Also in your instance all sounds a bit quick.

It sounds like he dictates the pace but he isn't the only one in this relationship. Your gut feeling is telling you that this going to fast and your voice isn't being heard.

Say no to the table and bookcase they feel like territorial place markers to me.

Listen to your gut and if he doesn't listen to you or makes light of your feelings, then you really need to take a massive step back. He's rushing you for a reason and that reason is in his best interests, not yours

I feel a bit like this OP. And my ds and db have ASD, I am very solitary and my BF is a bit of a love bomber, I love having him around when he's here, and I don't like the constant change from here/not here, but I love being on my own with him at the end of the phone more.

I dont know how to communicate that to him without the fear he will just be heartbroken and back off completely. I cant explain myself as a person who just doesn't set as much store by being in a full time relationship as he does.

Wanted to check back into this thread. You all gave me wonderful advice, and it was so helpful to share my concerns. THANK YOU.

On your advice, we have had a couple of chats and I explained how I felt love-bombed and that it has been going fast. We slowed things down as much as possible, which in effect was not much (!) but it has made me feel more in control. Some of the time I have said I would like to sleep in my house and be alone. He has been fine.

I resisted his stuff being moved into my place. This led to a discussion about how much we enjoy each other's company and he suggested we move in together. I have taken the reins and said maybe, but in good time. There's no rush. He said he will follow my lead. For now I am happy for us both to have our own places and to keep 'visiting' the other.

This is ok isn't it?