New boyfriend in forces

[Postnote14]

So met guy who’s in forces. All seems to be going really well, I really like him but I’m a bit unsure because he’s in the forces and is going to eventually be away a lot. I’ve been hurt in the past, I find it hard to trust people (I know that’s my problem and not his). He knows how badly I’ve been hurt in the past and I laid my cards on the table and told him what I was looking for, and he had no problem with that.
He has been married before and was honest and said him and his wife found it hard because he was away all the time, they got married too young and BOTH of them cheated on each other.

I appreciate his honesty, he is older than me (he is 33 and I’m 25) and says he now realises what he is looking for and wants a long term relationship. His ex and him are still friends (we bump into her one night we were out and he introduced us to each other), there was no anomosity between them.

We have been seeing each other for 5 months, but there is something still holding me back and I’m not really sure if it’s because of his job and I think he will just cheat on me like every other guy I’ve been with.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this, I suppose it’s just a bit of advice/experiences from people who’s partners have been in the armed forces.

There's an active thread about MNers' experiences of forces relationships. Might be worth a read so you know what you're potentially letting yourself in for
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3359353-Ive-had-enough-of-being-a-forces-wife?msgid=80905634

Just go with the flow, it's still early days. I think your boyfriend probably has matured and wouldn't make the same mistakes but don't commit to anything until a year or so has passed.

Does he plan to do his 22?

I was in the TA for a while and done a few tours. If you have trust issues then this relationship will be hard for you. Obviously not everyone does, but cheating is rife in the forces. Even people who normally wouldn't cheat often feel that because they're having a shit time, they're 'entitled' to cheat in that situation. As I say, of course not everyone but I've seen first hand it happens a lot.

Hi

Just wanted to share my experience with a forces guy. We met when I was 17, he was 26. We have been married 20 years now this October. Together 22 years in total. He is the most wonderful husband and person. I am sat here cuddling our 5 day old baby girl and we have a 14 year old daughter also. Admittedly in the early days he was typically laddy but I trusted him. I know not all forces guys are like him and a lot of them have form for cheating etc. However you can’t go on always wondering “what if” being part of a forces wife/partner is accepting the job they do and the life they live. It come with uncompromise. You need to be prepared for that. Mine left the army after we had been together 4 years and is now happily settled into civvy street. I could not ask for a better man. It’s up to you if you think you can have this sort of relationship and try and trust. Good luck. X

Thanks for replying.

candidaAlbicans. I will have a look at that thread.

meantangerine. I haven’t asked him so I’m not sure. He has been in for 13 years, he joined up when he was 20.

Rebecca36 I hope he has matured as I do really like him, and I feel more for him than I’ve ever felt for anyone else at this stage in a relationship. The way he handled us seeing his ex and everything he told me about his previous marriage does seem to me as if he has matured, but I suppose you never know.

probablydramatic. I thought it would be very common for people in the forces to cheat and I think this is what’s putting the doubts into my mind.

dorydefender2014 thats good to hear it worked out for you. I know I can’t always keep thinking “what if and I wish I could get out of that mindset, I just don’t know how to do it.

I just don’t know. I know I’m really starting to fall for him (although I havent told him yet).

See how it goes. I admit I had my wobbles and hasn’t always been easy. I have never had reason to doubt him though. Give it time and if you feel the need to guard your heart for now then do. They are not all bad though. X

I was one of the contributors on that thread about the forces. I'd advise you to read it - mainly because the posts do describe what life is like for a woman whose partner is in the forces.

It's not just the possibility of cheating - although that is more available for men in that line of work, and it's a "lad's club" where they will always cover for each other.

The main issue with forces life, is the fact that as the wife, you tend to make a lot of sacrifices in order for the man to have his wonderful life. There isn't much in it for the wives , and you end up being like a single mother if you have children.

Good luck - I'm sure he is a lovely man - but just keep in mind that his job will take precedence over everything else in his ( and your) life.

As someone in the forces myself, I would say from my knowledge of those who marry too soon it is usually with the best intentions but also the draw of the perks of being in a married relationship (house, to be entitled to bring partner abroad, money) and actually had there not been the added pressure of deployment/posting/exercise the relationship would have run its natural course. Therefore his honesty tells me he has recognised this at least. Not that I am tarring all young service personnel with the same brush, but they do have a tendency to act rashly!

Now.. with your history perhaps this combo is not easy but it is workable with compromise on both sides. I would suggest that a conversation whereby he commits to prioritising you and your relationship (so free time is spent mainly with you) and you are updated with the forecast of events so things can be planned in, and then on your half you give the flexibility and understanding that sometimes things have to be cancelled and moved due to short notice duties.

Both my husband and I serve and we met whilst serving, originally in one country and then in two.. so we simultaneously had to be both positive about planning for things and flexible and understanding when they didnt come to fruition. The important part was making time for each other despite that (phone, text, email, letter etc!)

I’m not here to say that your dp wont or will cheat, just my experiences thus far! But tbh.. I don’t feel there is that much of a difference between other relationships between some who work in the nhs for example where being on call and long shifts are the norm.. its compromise and prioritising that make them work as well :)

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies, I really do appreciate it.

I have had a quick read at the other thread and it’s just raised more questions, so I think a really honest conversation is needed with my boyfriend. I think I have to tell him how I’m feeling and just hope he will be honest with me.

I have no idea how long he intends to remain in the forces, but I do know he loves his job, so I’m thinking he is in it for the foreseeable future.

I promised myself after my last relationship disaster I would never rely on another man for anything, and I meant that but I think ive fell hard and fast for this one lol.

Will be seeing him at the weekend, so will wait until then to speak to him about this. I don’t think it’s a conversation I should bring up over the phone or on a text message.

Honestly, I think you should find someone else.

I know someone in the TA who is seeing a married man who is apparently separated from his wife, but still lives with her. This guy is in his 50s. Age means nothing.

They don't all cheat, but many do. Your guy has already proved he does.

Maybe he's changed. But it's a lot to go through and you'll have to go long periods of not seeing him. Can you go through that?

uniquefashion I don’t know if I could cope with that and manage I genuinely honestly don’t know.

Part of me is saying if I’m having doubts then to listen to my gut, but another part of me is saying give him a chance, if he wasn’t in the forces it would be brilliant.

I spoke to my friend about it, she says I cant not have anyone in my life just because I’ve been hurt before.

For those saying it’s just the forces blokes that cheat, you clearly weren’t looking too hard at your female neighbours in married quarters.

Does the box of OMO on the windowsill when the battalion’s out on exercise not ring any bells? And try nightclubs in Cyprus when the regiment’s up on the peace line for a few weeks - full of squaddie’s wives looking for a quick shag.