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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Competitive illness

34 replies

PookieDo · 13/09/2018 08:44

I just need to get my head around this dynamic - if i have any ailment or illness, both my mother and my DD16 will either have it too or take it as an opportunity to go on about something wrong with them. This has happened today and I don’t know whether to just ignore it? Why do they do this?

Over the past few years I have had (non emergency) surgery 3 times so I feel somewhat confident I was not imagining or embellishing the problems - which were confirmed with tests by doctors obviously. Despite surgery one of the problems hasn’t really gone away, and gives me minor problems. During these periods of my recovery both my DM and DD16 seemed to find this very hard and although tried to be supportive initially, they ended up being mean/cruel and unhelpful ‘I.e. oh FGS it’s not that bad’ and very ‘put upon’ in their role as a caregiver or just me asking for some help (like clearing up or with food). I do not feel that I played on these instances nor asked for help when I didn’t really need it, And I would and have undoubtedly cared for them if they needed it.

DM never seeks help for any of her ailments but talks about them constantly and DD seems to use my maternal concerns for her as something she can throw in my face when she thinks I don’t care enough. She would feel jealous at me being off work if she still had to go to school

It’s all so unhealthy. I feel like I am not allowed to be unwell, but I am expected to have sympathy for DM and DD when they have the identical problem Confused

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 13/09/2018 10:11

If these people don't care about your illness, don't share the details with them. They've just not arsed. Some people are just like that.

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 11:11

I can’t really avoid my DD she lives here

Last night I was unavoidably unwell and went to bed early. I felt like DD was old enough to cook some oven chips/fish fingers for herself and her sister, which she did. DD16 has done nothing but make horrible comments and leave a huge mess. I have made no comments on this as it will end up in a row.

DD was unwell over the school holidays and went back to bed quite a few times and I had no problem with this and looked after her.

I can avoid my DM sometimes, but I don’t have much support IRL and if I ever do need to call on my mum for help, she’s just as bad as DD.

It’s like I am not allowed Confused

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 13/09/2018 11:56

You can't do anything about your mother, except see less of her. But I feel you are letting your daughter off very lightly. There's no excuse for her to be so horrible to you. Can you not talk to her about her attitude? I'd be marking her card for her pretty damn quick, you don't want her to grow up into a selfish, uncaring adult. Sorry you don't have any support, you must feel a bit alone sometimes. But you really need to put your foot down and stop taking shit from a 16-year-old. Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 12:11

Thanks it’s just ended up shit all round. My ex was not sympathetic to me when I was ill, my mother isn’t either and now maybe it has all fallen to DD16 - I don’t have anyone else to ask iyswim. DD is not some young carer, I am not disabled I just get poorly from time to time like everyone does.

I’ve posted on here before about my DD, she does have some controlling and somewhat abusive type behaviours and this is one of them. Either it’s kicking me when I am down, or me being vulnerable scares her somehow. Confronting her about how she behaved last night and this morning doesn’t achieve anything - she is so sure she is right that I end up being the one upset.

I mentally dread being ill because 1. I have no one to help 2. Everyone is horrible to me about it. It is so fucking bizarre.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 12:14

Will your daughter be going off to uni in a couple of years' time, OP?

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 12:19

I honestly doubt it. She won’t get a Saturday job and isn’t interested in further education.

DD2 is more likely to go to Uni but she is not like this anyway she’s very different.

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 12:24

So I can’t call my mum and I don’t like to ask friends to help, I believe DD is old enough to make food so no need to call for outside help. After surgery last time I sent her to her fathers for longer so I didn’t have to put up with this behaviour while I was recovering (stitches mainly).

She will do things like come up while I am in bed and shout questions at me loudly, yank back the covers/turn on the light, bang and crash downstairs complaining about how put upon she is. I got up this morning house is a gross mess (both DC to blame for it, it wasn’t that bad before) and DD is still stomping around then claiming she too has the same ailment as me (migraine) and SHES going to school so not weak like me

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 12:27

She sounds like a nightmare. I know you'll miss your DD2 if she goes to university but I think it's great she'll get away.

Could she stay at her dad's more often? Or could she stay at your mum's?

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 12:28

Does your DD1 have additional needs? She really isn't behaving in a way that most 16 year olds would behave.

fuzzywuzzy · 13/09/2018 12:28

Send her back to her fathers to live. Why do you put up with it?

She’s actually pretty badly abusive, yanking back covers bad yelling at you whilst you’re lying in bed sick? That’s awful.

Send her live with her father for longer periods of time, each time you fall ill pack her off to her father till you’re better.

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 12:34

I have to say that's what I'd do, @fuzzywuzzy.

kennelmaid · 13/09/2018 12:47

Have to say I was exactly like this at age 14-16. I hated my mum when she was ill because I thought she was weak and my dad did nothing at the time to stop it. Now I hate myself for having behaved so horribly to her, I can only hope I made it up to her, we had a much more loving relationship when I was grown up.

Tighnabruaich · 13/09/2018 12:56

I don't know how you put up with her. She sounds like an utter brat.

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 13:09

Probably as what Kennelmaid says, I think she probably feels bad about it but for some reason it triggers rage in her. I don’t think she likes the feeling of me being out of action and vulnerable. For instance she would be the same if I got drunk, difference is I can control one of those and not the other!

She does have additional needs but not willing to get any support.

Her dad cannot and will not provide a proper home for her like I can.

I also don’t believe that it is the right thing to do to try get any kind of revenge on her as I will just feel guilty about it. She would see it as revenge. I suppose I am trying to model good behaviour. I will talk to her about it but she sees these as ‘lectures’ that just make her feel bad and get more angry

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 13:10

Is it weird my DD and DM do the same kind of thing?!

OP posts:
peekyboo · 13/09/2018 13:12

I'm guessing she's on the autistic spectrum? Have you looked up ways to communicate with her about it? Especially if you can talk at a time when you're not ill.

This is not a get out of jail free card. She's being horrible to you and potentially physically abusive, if you'd still had stitches for instance when she's pulling off your bedclothes.

It's not revenge to send her to her dad's, it's self-preservation.

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 13:20

She would see it as revenge and he doesn’t have room for her or willing to get her to school every day etc. He is selfish. She is quite imature in her way of thinking

She scored highly for ADD (not hyperactive) and I wonder (but do not know if it is) very much like ODD behaviour. But I ended up dragging her to appointments she wouldn’t engage in and she became angry and resentful I was trying to find something wrong with her. She will usually only cooperate with something if it’s all on her terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 13:34

She actually is a nice person, so I end up feeling hurt and confused. She’s kind to young children and has friends, and even a boyfriend. She’s funny and sweet person. She is helpful around the house - on her terms only. Her behaviour is so much better than it ever was in the past

Since a very young age she’s prone to tantrums, throwing things, screaming, flies off the handle very quickly, anxiety, stamping, slamming doors (im talking frequently), verbal aggression at me, her Dsis, my mother and some School teachers. She saves up angry feelings sometimes and lets them out at home. She likes a routine and is controlling about what happens and when it happens. So anything outside of the routine, or something surprising does not go down well with her. She always blames everything on others and never accepts she may be wrong or says sorry. She could argue with you for hours if you let her, with no point to it but bringing up things from 10 years ago or just mimicking you. To get me to leave her alone/stop talking she will be cruel as then I will retreat. She gets bees in her bonnet about things she doesn’t like and then none of us can like them or can’t do it because she doesn’t like it

OP posts:
Prettyvase · 13/09/2018 13:35

They lack empathy which could be a gene. It can also come from feeling put upon and being resentful however unfair that might seem.

Having a go will not help.

She is 16 so should be making nutritional meals by that age.

At the end of the day, parenting is all about preparing your DC to be responsible adults equipped with social skills to live independently.

It is a bonus if they also are kind and thoughtful but not many people emphasize or model those attributes unfortunately.

As long as you are doing all you can to equip her with the social, emotional and physical skills to make a success of her life then you can't go far wrong.

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 13:58

I was wondering this, as they can be similar and really self centred - almost like they can only see themselves in everything and empathetic situations make them angry - how do you avoid being ill and needing them? Do you just try to not need them? Apart from making food for herself nothing was expected of DD. I think I need to detach a bit from both of them maybe and never ask anything of them - the price to pay isn’t worth it!

OP posts:
Prettyvase · 13/09/2018 14:11

Yes. No need to be a keyboard psychiatrist here but interestingly sociopathy is a disorder where people can be extremely charming to others, are ruthless in getting their own way, are highly egotistical and self centred and have zero empathy for others.

Just hope they don't become carers in life Grin

Apparently plenty of CEOs are like this so it's not just criminals! Grin

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 14:30

I don't think there's much chance of the OP's daughter becoming a carer!

mothertominibeasts · 13/09/2018 14:52

Are you able to share what your condition is? We may be able to suggest some ideas that will enable you to manage your illness and continue your independence.

I know you should be able to ask for help every now and then but it sounds like you won't get it, so let's look at options to make it easier for you

Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 14:57

I worry a bit about DD’s potential future children Confused. And her employer....

It’s really easy to keep on at people to feel empathy, when maybe they just never will. I need to work on expecting less but doesn’t mean I will stop giving it back to DD. DM not so much...

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 13/09/2018 15:00

I had a long term back problem - which is so much better after treatment. I also suffer from a lot of gynae/hormone problems which again have improved but still can cause some issues. Am getting old 😭

Migraines are my current issue a lot of the time. Don’t know when I will get one, food and drinks aren’t always a trigger (as hormonal).
Both DM and DD get them too. As they will constantly compete with you they have worse and more frequent ones. 🙄. To be fair to DM she finally took me seriously after the one that lasted 5 days with vomiting and I was hospitalised (for fluids/medication)

OP posts: