If your DC's grandparents weren't interested in your DC, what did you do?

[MelaniasEscapePlan]

I see my DF regularly, to help with food shopping etc, but he's not interested in my DC. He might ask the odd brief question but wouldn't usually talk to them much, if at all. I don't think it's personal to me/the DC, he is the same with my DBro's children.

If you had this, what did you do? If anything. Is it fairly normal?

I think there a lot of older men who once divorced /widowed show little interest in their own adult dcs and their dgc.

I think there a lot of older men who once divorced /widowed show little interest in their own adult dcs and their dgc

Absolute bollocks

No need to be so rude!

I know of several examples.

Yes that’s anecdotal but show me the research that disproves it?

Agree with you Sarah. In fact, reading some of these MN threads, there are a lot of men of all ages who aren't interested in anyone except themselves, and certainly not children/grandchildren!

My father is the same. It's nothing personal. He was equally disinterested in my brothers kids aswell. It's no surprįse because he wasn't interested in his own children. He isn't interested in other people full stop. Ive come to the conclusion that he has Aspergers. Either that or he is just a selfish unpleasant individual. Who knows?

Nothing you can do ..

Not much you can do, you can’t really force it. My dad isn’t particularly interested in my ds. But then he wasn’t ever particularly interested in me so it doesn’t surprise me. I know it doesn’t feel nice though

My Grandparents (both sets) didn't show much interest in any of their grandchildren. We would visit every month or so and the adults would chat and us kids would watch TV. That was normal to us, I don't feel like I have missed out on anything.

My own parents were hands on Grandparents, DH's parents never visited us once and it was a similar set up as above, we'd visit them every few weeks, adults would talk, kids would watch TV or draw etc. That was normal for them.

I don't see that there was anything I needed "do about it". Everyone is different and I have no expectations of anyone.

No interest in my children from my DM, vague interest from PIL. No babysitting, too wrapped up in their own lives.

Just accepted it, their choice, their loss.

I can only inform you of my own experience.

I am involved with my GK's. My DD's in laws are involved with the GK's. I have five siblings and they are all involved with their GK's. I have a lot of friends and colleagues and do NOT know of any of them who are not involved with their GK's. I run a kids football team and GP's are regular visitors to the games. So much so I know them by name. I do the school run regularly and there are a lot of GP's doing the same and no doubt providing child care. I take my GP's to softball play and the park and once again see GP's playing with GK's.

I'm sorry you have an different view on this, but it seems to me to be skewed.

My widowed dad was crazy about the dgc. It was fab!
Then he died.
The in laws aren’t interested. It blows my mind or makes me sad or angry depending on the day... I won’t help them much as they get older.

Noego, I think the fact it’s so much the norm - at our school there are loads of lovely gps doing the pick up - it makes it so much more painful when your ones won’t.

It is painful op, sympathies.

My mother isn't particularly keen on children. She never asks about them, so I stopped telling her. She then gets annoyed if I don't send her a photo of the kids for her to show off to friends . My mother recently deigned to visit and my kids didn't know who she was. But it's okay because she didn't notice!

Fortunately, my dad and beloved in-laws are hands on, involved and play a really important role in my kid's lives. I wouldn't have it any other way.

i wouldnt take it personal, some people dont like children.

Dd aged 6 asked whether my in laws were still her grandparents. She figured if you don't see someone they drop off the family tree. She's 9 now and adores my family but was minimally formally polite to in laws on our annual meet up. On the way home she said to her sister in disgust "they don't even know us". You reap what you sow on this one

My parents (at that time in their late 50s) were not all that interested when I became a parent and my ILs were not much better either because they were wrapped up in their own lives and self absorption. Infact the writing was on the wall here for me many years prior when my mother turned around and told me that she would never babysit any children I went onto have. She kept to her word.

noego - good on you for being interested in your grandkids but some parents who become grandparents are really not all that bothered.

I carved out a life for myself and made good friends in the process. These four have taught me much; they have taught me an abject lesson in how not to behave.

Nothing you can do. Ds is 6th GC to the ILs with an 11 year gap between him and youngest of the others, and tbh I think they had lost interest in the whole thing by the time he arrived.
My mum would have been great, but was diagnosed with dementia when ds was very small and she doesn't know any of us and can't tolerate children. Dad is too tied up with caring for her and his own problems to be interested in us.

I won't lie, at times it breaks my heart, esp when ds never has anyone to come to school things, or he comments about the holidays that everyone else is spending time with grandparents in some way

I guess some people are maternal and paternal and some aren't. When meeting new people nowadays/potential partners it is actually important to me that they are loving towards their GK's. I think it says a lot.

CMOTDibbler

re your comment:-

"I won't lie, at times it breaks my heart, esp when ds never has anyone to come to school things, or he comments about the holidays that everyone else is spending time with grandparents in some way".

I agree with every word of the above.

My father is the same. It's nothing personal. He was equally disinterested in my brothers kids aswell. It's no surprįse because he wasn't interested in his own children. He isn't interested in other people full stop. Ive come to the conclusion that he has Aspergers. Either that or he is just a selfish unpleasant individual. Who knows?

Going to call out this twatty response.

I have aspergers. My best friend and has aspergers. My boyfriend is autistic. Most of my friends have an ASC or a young/teen/adult child with and AS.

We are all individuals but being disinterested in family or a "selfish unpleasant individuals is not a feature of a single one of them/us.

Fuck off with disablist prejudice.

I think there’s a huge range of levels of interest from both sexes of grandparents. You can’t make them interested.
You can find other older generation friends who fulfill a similar role. We had near and early retired neighbours and work colleagues who supported us when the children were tiny in all sorts of ways

• The school secretary coming to the hospital to help care for other two when my 2 year old pushed something up his nose.
• giving us an open invitation to the beach hut they had in Suffolk and encouraging us to join in as part of their extended family. Undermining us beautifully when my husband said he didn’t want the children to get sandy.
• neighbours who babysat shortly after we moved and knew nobody.

Our children still remain in contact with their surrogate grandmas and recall happy days stopping the school office working whilst they used the computers for Pingu.

Thanks for all your responses.

When I said what do I do about it, I suppose I didn't really mean ask my DF, I think I meant more like should I still take the DC when I go visit or is it pointless. I didn't make that clear.

What ever works for you, take them if it suits you and leave them if it doesn't.

Speaking from experience, the grandparents talk to their own children and over the heads of their grandchildren, except fro brief generic small talk.

My daughter is now 20 and doesn't visit them and I don't make her. I remember sitting there at nan's like a wet lettuce so I'm not going to inflict it on her as well.

My dad took no interest in me and my brother growing up but seemed to enjoy disciplining us. My mum was as bad really, in a different way, I just didn't realise at the time. I came to the conclusion a while ago that they were not properly interested in my children, were a bad influence in their lives and would enjoy trying to cause issues. I don't have contact with either of them now. Our children are happier and more settled without them. I grew up knowing I wasn't important to my parents and that's had a huge effect on me. I decided not to risk my children having the feelings of worthlessness and low confidence that having my parents in my life caused me to have.

MIL and FIL love our children so much. They see them every week, remember things that are important to the kids and phone to see how they have got on with things like their first day back at school, a dress up day at school etc. They take the time to talk to them and listen to them.

It's up to you. I don't know how old your children are but I do think it can affect children being around people who they know should be interested in them but aren't. I wouldn't be running around doing food shopping for someone like this either, I'd let him find someone else whilst I spent more time with my children.