Parental abuse - How do you define it and when did you realise?

[ChildhoodSmacking]

Inspired by a thread I posted over on AIBU earlier:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3363701-To-resent-my-parents-for-childhood-smacking-discipline

How do you discern normal parental boundaries and discipline e.g. smacking from abuse? I was infrequently smacked as a child, always as a result of a loss of control and my father's anger issues stemming from his own childhood. It wasn't always a smack - sometimes being pushed, having things thrown at me, being aggressively threatened and swore at. I was constantly treading on eggshells, as was my mother for fear of upsetting him or doing something accidentally to warrant violent or aggressive behaviour. I've never really categorised it as abuse as such and I very much doubt that it was enough for SS to get involved.

My question is, at what point do you differentiate between a smack out of discipline and 'abuse'. Do you define it as being systematic or sporadic? Is abuse just subjective?

I had the same aggressive farther , smacking was normal in the 70s , but not punching , put downs and anger. My mother smacked but it was infrequent and clear what it was for. In his 80s now I don't speak to him much or avoid his calls and doubt I will go to his funeral, when the bugger finally pops off this planet. I have never laid a finger on my kids , the odd telling off.

Abuse is about power and control and your dad wanted absolute over both your mother and you. Living on eggshells is to my mind anyway code for living in fear. You likely trod carefully at home emotionally to try and avoid the next outburst that could have happened at any time. There is no justification for his abuse of your mother and you; people who are abuse survivors do not always choose to go on to abuse their offspring either.

You were physically abused and unfortunately for you your mother was also paralysed by fear of him because he abused her too. You have been abjectly let down by the two people who you should have been able to trust the most. Its a complete breech of trust.

It is NOT your fault this happened to you, this is all on them.

I would consider contacting NAPAC as they could be of some help to you. Link here napac.org.uk/

Do you have any relationship with either of them these days?.