Got Rid of One Controlling Man, DF Now Takes His Place

[scotgal2017]

Just need to vent and crying for first time in a long time. Have posted before about abusive STBXH. He was controlling and abusive. Everything had to be done his way. Me and kids walked on eggshells. After he left us last year, I saw a therapist to help me deal with issues and to help me move forward and be positive.

Previously lived abroad and now have moved back to UK. Since me and DCs came over for recce in summer, have figured out that DF and STBXH share many common traits. I'm the little woman who should do what they say and it has to be done their way (never mind that I'm pushing 40 and have pretty much handled 95% of stuff on my own as STBXH worked away a lot). My mother left me when i was 9 so I'm pretty much up on being able to be independent and handle things myself. DF has been very helpful as is helping me to get back on my feet with things as me and Dcs practically moved back with little.

Anyway, this evening DD14 burst into tears and said she was stressed out at school as a boy in her class has been annoying her and calling her names such as immigrant etc. I asked her if she had spoken to teacher, she said no. I told her to speak to teacher and ask to be moved to different table from him. if it persisted to speak to guidance teacher, and if stillwas not resolved I would go to school and make sure it got resolved. Gave her a hug, cracked a few jokes to make her smile and told her to let me know what happened tomorrow.

Later this evening, Df called for chat and asked how kids were at school etc. Told him what DD told me and he exploded, told me I must go or phone headteacher tomorrow and tell them to sort it out or he would be up to school on Friday to do it. I asked him to calm down, I was handling it etc and was basically told I'm doing it wrong and I have to go to the school tomorrow and the insinuation after that was that i was not protecting my kid if I didn't. I told him that i have had 20 years of this attitude, i have new boundaries and i was not going to be told what to do by a man ever again, including him and hung up. Seriously, they are pushing all my new boundaries. Now I am in tears and feel like a shit mum. Did I do the wrong thing in giving the teacher a chance to rectify it before going in all guns blazing??

No. You're behaving like the adult. The ex is a twat.

Well done on standing up to your father. Of course you should speak to the teacher and take it from there. That's what adults do. He won't understand that because he's a bully.

OP we often end up in relationships with controlling partners when this is our 'normal'. I am currently divorcing my stbxh who is an emotionally abusive and controlling narcissist. I am sure that I stayed with him despite his behaviour because being manipulated was my normal experience of home life. Living with a parent who behaved in a similar (although less extreme manner) made me believe it was normal.

Thanks for the replies, it's nice to know I'm not alone. @redastherose I had similar experience with STBXH, abusive physically, emotionally and very controlling. It took my therapy and lots of research on abuse etc for it to click in my head that there was the link between how my DF was with me in childhood and my STBXH. in essence I married my father but a worse version of him, I didn't realise it until sorting myself out last year/this year. Df has terrible trouble with me saying "no, I'm nearly 40 and I'm going to do it this way". I appreciate that he is doing things to help me get back on my feet but I have put new boundaries in place to help me and he is stomping all over them. I understand that he is set in his ways and there would be no changing him, but after 20 years of this shit from STBXH, it's tiring to now have to "do battle" with DF instead. To be told I'm not protecting my DD because i'm not following his procedure is bang out of order but he of course, won't see it that way. i'm tired, I still have to have minimal contact with STBXH about kids and am about to start divorce proceedings which i am predicting will become very messy because of his twattish and selfish ways.

Easy answer is to not tell him anything. It’s hard, but just make out everything’s fine. I’ve held back tears on the phone to my parents because I can’t be arsed with the fallout.

When we get better at boundaries and start asserting them, it's usual for some people to push against them to see if you really mean it. Stay calm, reassert your boundary, and let him push against a brick wall and see where that gets him. Xx

@maelstrop, that was.my first thought once he started, I did think going forward I will.have to only mention positive things to.him.

@subspace thank you, after over 20 years it's been a hard habit to break (not setting boundaries that is) and I still have times I don't follow through but I know.it is important to keep at it and keep.going forward to get to the end goal. They just make it so hard don't they!

Keep going, it sounds like you're doing great! I thought I was setting boundaries years ago but I'd say I've only really got good enough to be competent in the last say 3 years or so. It gets easier. Family are still my weak point, and to some extent that's because I'm lucky that I have a good relationship with mine, but when my dad yelled at me the other day (highly unlike him, he yells once in a blue moon because he's been bottling up something that we could have helped with had he talked about it, so the yell is frustration rather than anger) I sat and repeated calmly over and over again "Please don't speak to me like that. Don't speak to me like that. Don't speak to me like that" until he stopped. Afterwards I was shaken, but boundaries are in force and they're an automatic go to for me now. I promise it gets easier the more you do it, and the more you show people that you mean it and won't be budged, the more they will accept that this is the status quo now. Xxx